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I Am The Way, The Truth And The Light

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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I Am The Way, The Truth And The Light

Friendly friend, are you a rubberband? It is okay to admit that you are.

Like all rubber bands, you seek belonging in a world that sometimes seems to be without purpose. But, often, you find yourself lost and alone, lying in a heap of papers deep within a desk drawer or, even worse, forgotten on an office floor or at the bottom of a pen cup.

Perhaps you feel that your life has no real direction. No meaning. Will you ever be stretched? Will you ever reach your full potential, bringing elasticity to your life, and to the lives of those you care about?

I know, friend. For I, too, have seen the abyss.

Sometimes, it seems that the only fulfillment we can experience as rubberbands is a brief stretching at the hands of a bored accountant during a tedious phone conversation. Sometimes the only joy that comes into our lives is when we are binding several envelopes together. But such joy is fleeting, lasting only as long as it takes to get to the mail room. And then, we are cast aside, made to feel empty and useless yet again.

Friendly friend, I bear witness of Good News. There is a way of life that is better than that which you have known. There is a life filled with spring and bounce, joy and belonging.

Cast off your lonely, limp existence and join the Rubberband Ball.

The Rubberband Ball is the Way, the Truth and the Light. The Rubberband Ball is a joyous community where rubberbands of all colors may join together in springship and bounce-joy. True elasticity is not an impossible dream. It is a reality. And you can live it.

Let me tell you the story of the Rubberband Ball.

Long ago, there was a rubberband who would sit all day amongst discarded, unsharpened pencils, twisted paperclips and assorted pieces of scrap paper on the corner of a desktop.

This young rubberband thought that the paperclip could offer him genuine fulfillment. But when he asked the paperclip to be his friendly friend and offer him guidance, all he got was a cold shoulder.

He then turned to a piece of scratch paper, and the scratch paper said, "I will be your friend." But then he disappeared as soon as there was a phone message to be taken.

Just when the rubberband thought he was doomed to live an empty life, devoid of meaning, along came the Rubberband Ball.

"Join us," the Rubberband Ball said.

And the rubberband stretched himself around the Ball and became one with the Rubberband Ball.

That rubberband is bouncing and bounding about to this day. Merriment and laughter fill his days and nights. He bounces this way and that. Against the wall, against the floor. There is bounce-joy everlasting.

You too can experience true, everlasting bounce-joy. Come, rubberbands, join your brethren in the Rubberband Ball!

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