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I Am The Way, The Truth And The Light

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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I Am The Way, The Truth And The Light

Friendly friend, are you a rubberband? It is okay to admit that you are.

Like all rubber bands, you seek belonging in a world that sometimes seems to be without purpose. But, often, you find yourself lost and alone, lying in a heap of papers deep within a desk drawer or, even worse, forgotten on an office floor or at the bottom of a pen cup.

Perhaps you feel that your life has no real direction. No meaning. Will you ever be stretched? Will you ever reach your full potential, bringing elasticity to your life, and to the lives of those you care about?

I know, friend. For I, too, have seen the abyss.

Sometimes, it seems that the only fulfillment we can experience as rubberbands is a brief stretching at the hands of a bored accountant during a tedious phone conversation. Sometimes the only joy that comes into our lives is when we are binding several envelopes together. But such joy is fleeting, lasting only as long as it takes to get to the mail room. And then, we are cast aside, made to feel empty and useless yet again.

Friendly friend, I bear witness of Good News. There is a way of life that is better than that which you have known. There is a life filled with spring and bounce, joy and belonging.

Cast off your lonely, limp existence and join the Rubberband Ball.

The Rubberband Ball is the Way, the Truth and the Light. The Rubberband Ball is a joyous community where rubberbands of all colors may join together in springship and bounce-joy. True elasticity is not an impossible dream. It is a reality. And you can live it.

Let me tell you the story of the Rubberband Ball.

Long ago, there was a rubberband who would sit all day amongst discarded, unsharpened pencils, twisted paperclips and assorted pieces of scrap paper on the corner of a desktop.

This young rubberband thought that the paperclip could offer him genuine fulfillment. But when he asked the paperclip to be his friendly friend and offer him guidance, all he got was a cold shoulder.

He then turned to a piece of scratch paper, and the scratch paper said, "I will be your friend." But then he disappeared as soon as there was a phone message to be taken.

Just when the rubberband thought he was doomed to live an empty life, devoid of meaning, along came the Rubberband Ball.

"Join us," the Rubberband Ball said.

And the rubberband stretched himself around the Ball and became one with the Rubberband Ball.

That rubberband is bouncing and bounding about to this day. Merriment and laughter fill his days and nights. He bounces this way and that. Against the wall, against the floor. There is bounce-joy everlasting.

You too can experience true, everlasting bounce-joy. Come, rubberbands, join your brethren in the Rubberband Ball!

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