adBlockCheck

I Am The Way, The Truth And The Light

Top Headlines

Recent News

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

I Am The Way, The Truth And The Light

Friendly friend, are you a rubberband? It is okay to admit that you are.

Like all rubber bands, you seek belonging in a world that sometimes seems to be without purpose. But, often, you find yourself lost and alone, lying in a heap of papers deep within a desk drawer or, even worse, forgotten on an office floor or at the bottom of a pen cup.

Perhaps you feel that your life has no real direction. No meaning. Will you ever be stretched? Will you ever reach your full potential, bringing elasticity to your life, and to the lives of those you care about?

I know, friend. For I, too, have seen the abyss.

Sometimes, it seems that the only fulfillment we can experience as rubberbands is a brief stretching at the hands of a bored accountant during a tedious phone conversation. Sometimes the only joy that comes into our lives is when we are binding several envelopes together. But such joy is fleeting, lasting only as long as it takes to get to the mail room. And then, we are cast aside, made to feel empty and useless yet again.

Friendly friend, I bear witness of Good News. There is a way of life that is better than that which you have known. There is a life filled with spring and bounce, joy and belonging.

Cast off your lonely, limp existence and join the Rubberband Ball.

The Rubberband Ball is the Way, the Truth and the Light. The Rubberband Ball is a joyous community where rubberbands of all colors may join together in springship and bounce-joy. True elasticity is not an impossible dream. It is a reality. And you can live it.

Let me tell you the story of the Rubberband Ball.

Long ago, there was a rubberband who would sit all day amongst discarded, unsharpened pencils, twisted paperclips and assorted pieces of scrap paper on the corner of a desktop.

This young rubberband thought that the paperclip could offer him genuine fulfillment. But when he asked the paperclip to be his friendly friend and offer him guidance, all he got was a cold shoulder.

He then turned to a piece of scratch paper, and the scratch paper said, "I will be your friend." But then he disappeared as soon as there was a phone message to be taken.

Just when the rubberband thought he was doomed to live an empty life, devoid of meaning, along came the Rubberband Ball.

"Join us," the Rubberband Ball said.

And the rubberband stretched himself around the Ball and became one with the Rubberband Ball.

That rubberband is bouncing and bounding about to this day. Merriment and laughter fill his days and nights. He bounces this way and that. Against the wall, against the floor. There is bounce-joy everlasting.

You too can experience true, everlasting bounce-joy. Come, rubberbands, join your brethren in the Rubberband Ball!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close