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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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I Am The Way, The Truth And The Light

Friendly friend, are you a rubberband? It is okay to admit that you are.

Like all rubber bands, you seek belonging in a world that sometimes seems to be without purpose. But, often, you find yourself lost and alone, lying in a heap of papers deep within a desk drawer or, even worse, forgotten on an office floor or at the bottom of a pen cup.

Perhaps you feel that your life has no real direction. No meaning. Will you ever be stretched? Will you ever reach your full potential, bringing elasticity to your life, and to the lives of those you care about?

I know, friend. For I, too, have seen the abyss.

Sometimes, it seems that the only fulfillment we can experience as rubberbands is a brief stretching at the hands of a bored accountant during a tedious phone conversation. Sometimes the only joy that comes into our lives is when we are binding several envelopes together. But such joy is fleeting, lasting only as long as it takes to get to the mail room. And then, we are cast aside, made to feel empty and useless yet again.

Friendly friend, I bear witness of Good News. There is a way of life that is better than that which you have known. There is a life filled with spring and bounce, joy and belonging.

Cast off your lonely, limp existence and join the Rubberband Ball.

The Rubberband Ball is the Way, the Truth and the Light. The Rubberband Ball is a joyous community where rubberbands of all colors may join together in springship and bounce-joy. True elasticity is not an impossible dream. It is a reality. And you can live it.

Let me tell you the story of the Rubberband Ball.

Long ago, there was a rubberband who would sit all day amongst discarded, unsharpened pencils, twisted paperclips and assorted pieces of scrap paper on the corner of a desktop.

This young rubberband thought that the paperclip could offer him genuine fulfillment. But when he asked the paperclip to be his friendly friend and offer him guidance, all he got was a cold shoulder.

He then turned to a piece of scratch paper, and the scratch paper said, "I will be your friend." But then he disappeared as soon as there was a phone message to be taken.

Just when the rubberband thought he was doomed to live an empty life, devoid of meaning, along came the Rubberband Ball.

"Join us," the Rubberband Ball said.

And the rubberband stretched himself around the Ball and became one with the Rubberband Ball.

That rubberband is bouncing and bounding about to this day. Merriment and laughter fill his days and nights. He bounces this way and that. Against the wall, against the floor. There is bounce-joy everlasting.

You too can experience true, everlasting bounce-joy. Come, rubberbands, join your brethren in the Rubberband Ball!

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