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I Am The Way, The Truth And The Light

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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I Am The Way, The Truth And The Light

Friendly friend, are you a rubberband? It is okay to admit that you are.

Like all rubber bands, you seek belonging in a world that sometimes seems to be without purpose. But, often, you find yourself lost and alone, lying in a heap of papers deep within a desk drawer or, even worse, forgotten on an office floor or at the bottom of a pen cup.

Perhaps you feel that your life has no real direction. No meaning. Will you ever be stretched? Will you ever reach your full potential, bringing elasticity to your life, and to the lives of those you care about?

I know, friend. For I, too, have seen the abyss.

Sometimes, it seems that the only fulfillment we can experience as rubberbands is a brief stretching at the hands of a bored accountant during a tedious phone conversation. Sometimes the only joy that comes into our lives is when we are binding several envelopes together. But such joy is fleeting, lasting only as long as it takes to get to the mail room. And then, we are cast aside, made to feel empty and useless yet again.

Friendly friend, I bear witness of Good News. There is a way of life that is better than that which you have known. There is a life filled with spring and bounce, joy and belonging.

Cast off your lonely, limp existence and join the Rubberband Ball.

The Rubberband Ball is the Way, the Truth and the Light. The Rubberband Ball is a joyous community where rubberbands of all colors may join together in springship and bounce-joy. True elasticity is not an impossible dream. It is a reality. And you can live it.

Let me tell you the story of the Rubberband Ball.

Long ago, there was a rubberband who would sit all day amongst discarded, unsharpened pencils, twisted paperclips and assorted pieces of scrap paper on the corner of a desktop.

This young rubberband thought that the paperclip could offer him genuine fulfillment. But when he asked the paperclip to be his friendly friend and offer him guidance, all he got was a cold shoulder.

He then turned to a piece of scratch paper, and the scratch paper said, "I will be your friend." But then he disappeared as soon as there was a phone message to be taken.

Just when the rubberband thought he was doomed to live an empty life, devoid of meaning, along came the Rubberband Ball.

"Join us," the Rubberband Ball said.

And the rubberband stretched himself around the Ball and became one with the Rubberband Ball.

That rubberband is bouncing and bounding about to this day. Merriment and laughter fill his days and nights. He bounces this way and that. Against the wall, against the floor. There is bounce-joy everlasting.

You too can experience true, everlasting bounce-joy. Come, rubberbands, join your brethren in the Rubberband Ball!

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