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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
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I Am Tired Of These Constant Near-Death Experiences

Last night, as I so often do during my sleep, I dreamt of the lithe-limbed and frustratingly over-corseted Sophie Tucker. But midway through the dream, without warning, the lady-actress' enchanting features changed to the stern visage of German Chancellor Otto Von Bismarck!

The shock and consternation I felt at this trans-formation, combined with the zaftig quality of the Iron Chancellor's suddenly liberated bosoms, were more than enough to cause my calcified heart to seize for the 34th time this year. Within moments, I was watching myself from an over-head view-point, observing my chirurgeons as they attempted to wake me with electric shocks, harsh language and voluminous transfusions of infant's blood.

Why must this happen to me so often? Yes, I am 132 years old, and the flesh in which I am imprisoned is prone to failure. But God damn it! I am a great plutocrat and the publisher of the Republic's finest news-paper! I do not wish to constantly find myself floating down a dark tunnel toward a great menacing white light!

Yet that is exactly what happened. I felt a great sense of comfort overwhelm me. But this quickly gave way to an overwhelming feeling of rage as I approached the light, for I knew what came next: the roll-call of those I sent to their reward!

There floating before me was P. Oliver Gummidge, the cinder-block with which I dispatched him still lodged in his brain-pan! There was Y. Josiah Zweibel, my stillborn twin brother, who in my foetus-hood I choked with our shared umbicilus! There was President McKinley, perforated with the assassin's bullets that no-one to this day has traced to me! And behind them a throng of my victims stretching as far as the eye could see: Irish rail-way laborers, Flemish comfort-women, dozens of Onion copy-boys, some contentious alder-men and several dozen failed fighting-cocks!

The nerve of these ghastly hoo-doo spirits! I relieved these stupid chattels of life because they failed me. Must I deal with them in death? Fortunately, Doc McGillicuddy irrigated my colon with a gallon of laudanum-tincture, startling me back to this world before I could confront the hideous light. I fear it might be a ghostly manifestation of the Interstate Commerce Commission, waiting to prosecute me for my hundreds of violations of the Mann Act, so for now, it is better to live.

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