I Am Tired Of These Constant Near-Death Experiences

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Good Times

I Am Tired Of These Constant Near-Death Experiences

Last night, as I so often do during my sleep, I dreamt of the lithe-limbed and frustratingly over-corseted Sophie Tucker. But midway through the dream, without warning, the lady-actress' enchanting features changed to the stern visage of German Chancellor Otto Von Bismarck!

The shock and consternation I felt at this trans-formation, combined with the zaftig quality of the Iron Chancellor's suddenly liberated bosoms, were more than enough to cause my calcified heart to seize for the 34th time this year. Within moments, I was watching myself from an over-head view-point, observing my chirurgeons as they attempted to wake me with electric shocks, harsh language and voluminous transfusions of infant's blood.

Why must this happen to me so often? Yes, I am 132 years old, and the flesh in which I am imprisoned is prone to failure. But God damn it! I am a great plutocrat and the publisher of the Republic's finest news-paper! I do not wish to constantly find myself floating down a dark tunnel toward a great menacing white light!

Yet that is exactly what happened. I felt a great sense of comfort overwhelm me. But this quickly gave way to an overwhelming feeling of rage as I approached the light, for I knew what came next: the roll-call of those I sent to their reward!

There floating before me was P. Oliver Gummidge, the cinder-block with which I dispatched him still lodged in his brain-pan! There was Y. Josiah Zweibel, my stillborn twin brother, who in my foetus-hood I choked with our shared umbicilus! There was President McKinley, perforated with the assassin's bullets that no-one to this day has traced to me! And behind them a throng of my victims stretching as far as the eye could see: Irish rail-way laborers, Flemish comfort-women, dozens of Onion copy-boys, some contentious alder-men and several dozen failed fighting-cocks!

The nerve of these ghastly hoo-doo spirits! I relieved these stupid chattels of life because they failed me. Must I deal with them in death? Fortunately, Doc McGillicuddy irrigated my colon with a gallon of laudanum-tincture, startling me back to this world before I could confront the hideous light. I fear it might be a ghostly manifestation of the Interstate Commerce Commission, waiting to prosecute me for my hundreds of violations of the Mann Act, so for now, it is better to live.