adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
End Of Section
  • More News

I Believe I Shall Destroy The Stock Market Again

Yesterday, I was listening to Beavers, my aide-de-camp and advisor in matters financial, narrate the financial abstract of my vast personal fortune when he mentioned in passing that I was doing quite well in the Stock-Market. This was, of course, no real news to me, as my stock position has always been top-drawer; decent market holdings are necessary both to balance one's cash position and to leaven one's investments in real estate, Swiss gold, and the slave-trade of Far Araby.

But then Beavers mentioned that the Stock-Market seems to be under-going a tremendous boom, resulting in a time of vast prosperity for countless others, as well!

My ire aroused, I demanded that he give a full account of this unnatural ubiquity of wealth. Apparently, the Market has spread its lovely, avaricious legs to every low-rent merchant with two cents to rub together and rewarding self same oafs with undeservedly high returns!

A torrent of steaming black ichor shot from my nostrils as this news sent me into a fresh rage. What has become of the free market if any half-wit can engage in open trade? Why, if we stay this course, a large "middle-class" could arise, wherein the lowliest fishmonger could purchase food, shelter, and clothing in exchange for a mere life-time of crushing debt!

Though Beavers has assured me that the poor are worse off than ever, I am significantly aggrieved by his mention of individuals, some under the age of 60, who have made small fortunes through the clever manipulation of a new type of calculating-engine, and who will doubtless spend it all on raccoon coats and bathtubs of gin. This happened once before, and I barely acted in time to stop it. Tomorrow, when the Boston exchange opens, I shall sell all my holdings in Consolidated Steam and unload six million Weimar Republic Deutschmarks. This, combined with the emptying from Zweibel ware-houses of 60 years' storage of pork bellies and Dr. Klimpt's Poultry Liniment, should cause a run on the market that will see New York in flames by the after-noon.

History has forgotten that, though market-crashes result in times of high criminality, as well as suicide amongst the destitute poor, there is also a down-side: I shall miss my poultry liniment. Still, in times like these, we all must sacrifice something for the good of the Republic.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close