I Bet I Can Speak Spanish

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CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

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I Bet I Can Speak Spanish

Hello, amigos! El soy quando agunto! Ella balloona balunga espanyo!

Did that sound Spanish to you? I bet that means something. And guess what? I've never had one lesson. It's just that I have a natural gift for Spanish. I was able to pick it up all by myself, "outside the system," if you will.

When I was a kid, I thought a foreign language would take a long time to learn. That's what society tells you, probably because of the anti-foreign attitude in America. They're trying to discourage people from going foreign, I guess.

Go to any bookstore. They have books for learning how to speak Spanish, books made up of Spanish words, dictionaries for figuring out what something means in Spanish. Can you believe people need books to learn Spanish? It sure came easy to me!

I remember how, in high school, Spanish was taught by Mr. Gomez, and you could spend years learning every single word. Forget that! I'm sure I've got the gist of it. I don't need any classes or books, because I can speak Spanish without all that. I mean, ¡Balunga el baguayo con blinko! Don't tell me that didn't sound Spanish! And it sure didn't take three years of high school to learn. Forget that, I've got a life!

I could see if Chinese took a long time to learn. I mean, look at it! But Spanish is pretty normal by comparison, with all those American letters and stuff. And, quite frankly, it looks real easy to speak. I've heard people speaking Spanish, and they're not doing anything I can't do. They're just talking! Ever watch Sesame Street? They have little kids speaking Spanish on there! Are we supposed to believe these little kids graduated from high school already? Even Alejandro, this guy I work with at the Cinnabon at the mall, speaks Spanish, and he's dumb as a stump! He's barely got English down, let alone a foreign language! I rest my case. ¡Alabunto quénto galoodi!

Also, I live near Taco Bell. In case you don't live here in Monroe, Taco Bell is this really good Spanish restaurant they have next to the yogurt place. It's so good, in fact, they opened another one at the mall. They only sell Spanish food there, so every time you go in and give your order, you're speaking Spanish! (Unless you're just there to ask for water like I sometimes do.) And since nobody goes to Taco Bell more than I do, that is another reason I can speak Spanish so well! Ellaquanto burritõs! Grandé baloobos! El hoolio!

But another important link in the chain of me speaking Spanish is that I've been watching tons of Univision lately, and I completely understand what's going on. Just yesterday, there was this soap opera on, called Ellabungo Juanita or something Spanish like that, and I was completely following it! This girl and this guy were in bed together, and this guy came in and was mad. Just from listening, I could tell that the girl in the bed was cheating on the guy who just walked in. There were no subtitles, I just figured it out! You folks reading this might have needed Spanish lessons to understand what was going on, but I'm on the fast track, Charlie!

The girls on Univision are really hot, which is another important use for Spanish. The girl in the apartment across the hall from me has dark hair and a dark complexion. I bet she's probably Spanish. One of these days, when I get a tuxedo and grow a little black mustache, I'm going to go over there with some flowers, and when she opens the door, oh, boy, that's when I'll turn on the Spanish! "Allabunto allaquento, Senorita!" As for what will happen next, well, I'll just leave that to your imagination. The girls all think Ricky Martin is so sexy, but that's just because he speaks Spanish. When Ricky gets a load of me, he's going to go running back to Spain!

So, until next time, my fellow Spanishers, "Ellaquanto paganyo balagoonda!"