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I Can Beat The Price You're Paying For Sperm

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NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.

Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Never-Before-Heard Buzzword Flying Around Office Can’t Be Good

‘Our Focus Is On Platforming,’ Executives Repeat

BROOKLYN, NY—Speculating that it could refer to some aspect of their website or possibly the sales or advertising department, employees at Convergence Media said Thursday that the word “platforming,” which executives have reportedly used numerous times over the past few weeks, can’t be good.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

I Can Beat The Price You're Paying For Sperm

Have I got a deal for you!

I understand you and your husband are going through some tough times in the family-planning department. And while I can't do anything about your husband's sterility, I can do something about the price you're paying for sperm.

What are you paying now? Five, six hundred bucks a payload? I can get you grade-A stuff for half that.

I've been in the sperm-supply game since 1987, and in that time, I've learned countless ways to cut costs while adding value. When you buy from me, you know you're getting the absolute best semen money can buy. What's more, I'll beat any competitor's price.

Okay, let's talk turkey. Now, normally, I charge $450 for a two-ounce batch, but you seem like a nice lady, so I'm gonna cut you a deal: $400.

How can I sell sperm so cheap, you ask? That's simple: I cut out the middleman. Most sperm specimens pass through at least a dozen hands before ever reaching the shelves of the sperm bank, and every one of those people takes a cut. That adds up. I used to work for one of those national banks. I saw customers being overcharged every day, and frankly, it broke my heart. With 16 years experience as an independent sperm supplier, I now do all the work myself—and pass the savings along to you.

Tell you what. Because I like you, I'm going knock another $50 off that price. Just for you. It's unheard of in this business to pay only $350, but if you buy today, that's all it's gonna cost you.

And if you buy today, I'll deliver today. Other places take weeks or months to process your request. Not me. If it takes me more than 10 minutes to deliver fresh, hot product, it's free. That's a promise from me to you.

You don't want to buy sperm from some big, impersonal bank with outlets all over the country, do you? You want the personal touch. You want it from a person—a real, live flesh-and-blood human being. If you can't look your donor in the eye, can you really trust his sperm?

When you buy my sperm, you know exactly what you're getting—the magical little potion necessary to make another extraordinary human being just like me. As you can see, I'm tall and reasonably attractive. I have a college degree, and I'm a real entrepreneur, full of ambition and spunk. Catch that? Spunk?

So, what do you say? Do we have a deal here? Let me tell you, I'm probably going to lose money on this transaction, but that's okay by me. That's how much I want to make this deal happen. How about $300?

Not only do I personally hand-deliver each sperm sample directly to your door for no extra fee, but I'll happily bring it to its final destination. That's right, if you're looking to save money and eliminate hassle, leave the fertilization to me. I'm happy to deliver the sperm directly to your uterus, free of charge.

Just for a simple fertilization job, a doctor would charge you thousands of dollars. You're paying a fortune for a baster, a cup, and a few precious moments of some M.D.'s time. What's more, you're letting some guy you don't even know insert semen into your vagina. From me? Free, and we're already friends.

Still not sold? I can't go any lower on the price, but I can double your quantity for no extra charge. Yep, you heard me—no charge. I'll personally deliver a second batch of sperm to your uterus, absolutely free. And my product is 100 percent guaranteed, so if you are dissatisfied for any reason, I'll be more than happy to replace it with another of equal or lesser value. In fact, I'll even give you my home phone number so you can call me any time, night or day, for a refill. You won't get customer service like that from any of the big sperm banks.

Okay, you've got my back against the wall here. I'll go $250. Final offer, take it or leave it.

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