I Can Help the Next Person Here

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What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts.

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

I Can Help the Next Person Here

There's no waiting at register three. Wheel your cart right over! I can help the next person. Any number of items!

Can I help anyone over here? My checkout lane light is blinking—and that means there's no line. I'd be happy to help you! I'm waiting to serve you! That's my goal—to make you, the customer happy.

As you see, I'm smiling, ready to help. If you'd only glance over here I'd nod and wave you toward me. Can I help someone? Over here! No waiting!

Please let me help you. What will I do if I can't? I can't read a magazine. I can't sit down. No stools are allowed behind the checkout counters. It's against store policy, because that might make it look like I'm not ready to help the next person.

So please, bring your items to register three. Any number of items here. Your personal check is welcome here with Chexpress, but please, for amount of purchase only. Enjoy the convenience of the ATM station right at the register. I can help the next person at register three!

Can I be of assistance, then? I can help the next person! I'll make sure to make you feel welcome at my register. It doesn't matter who you are—young, old, black, white, coupon-clipper, crazy old drunk guy, 12-year-old punk trying to buy cigarettes—I welcome you all to Sav-o-Mart. In the land of food value, there is no outcast.

I'll say hello to you, possibly comment on the weather, and thank you, respectfully calling you ma'am or sir. If you pay with a check, I'll even use your first name when you leave. You can use my first name. I'm always wearing my name tag, because I forfeit a half hour's pay if I forget it for a shift.

Maybe next time you come to the store you will come to register three again. We might develop a relationship where I will greet you and refer back to our conversation today: "How did that birthday party go?"; "Enjoying your vacation?"; "Did you decide to make the fruit salad?"; "Menthol 100s, right?"

Embarrassing items in your cart? I'll handle your purchase with discretion. Prophylactics? Gold Bond medicated powder for dry, flaky skin? Adult disposable undergarments? People magazine? I've rung up them all a hundred times, and though for you the act of purchase was preceded by a lengthy period of courage-gathering in the parking lot, I won't even raise an eyebrow.

Ma'am, register three is open!

Don't even hesitate. I'm ready to help you. We've got it all! In fact, if you've noticed my apron as well as the multiple brightly colored signs about the store boasting "We've Got It All," you already know that's our newest slogan and personal pledge to the customer!

I attended the mandatory employee meeting just this week, and I feel confident telling you that we do, indeed, have it all. I also feel ready to assist you in finding any portion of it all, which we've got, that you may need.

I'm just waiting to help you. I'll be here again tomorrow from 2 to 10 p.m., ready to rush to your aid, smiling and chipper, for the duration of my eight- hour shift. But what I'd really like to do is help you right now.