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I Can Instantly Tell Whether Someone Is African-American With My Amazing 'Blackdar'

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Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

National Dialogue Dusted Off

WASHINGTON—Following news of a racially motivated shooting massacre in South Carolina that left nine churchgoers dead Wednesday night, the country figured it was once again time to dust off the national dialogue, sources confirmed.

Fraternity Members To Undergo Racial Sensitivity Hazing

EVANSTON, IL—In the wake of a controversial video depicting two individuals in the fraternity’s University of Oklahoma chapter leading a racist chant, Sigma Alpha Epsilon officials instituted a new national policy Wednesday requiring all membe...

Media Stumped On How To Handle Missing Mixed-Race Woman

WASHINGTON—Struggling to find an appropriate response to a delicate situation, members of the American news media admitted Tuesday that they remained stumped on how exactly to handle the case of missing mixed-race woman Alison Johnston.

Tips For Being An Unarmed Black Teen

With riots raging in Ferguson, MO following the shooting death by police of an unarmed African-American youth, the nation has turned its eyes toward social injustice and the continuing crisis of race relations.

White Male Privilege Squandered On Job At Best Buy

HAMILTON, OH—Despite being the beneficiary of numerous societal advantages and having faced little to no major adversity throughout his life, local man Travis Benton has spent the last four years squandering his white male privilege on a sales floor...
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I Can Instantly Tell Whether Someone Is African-American With My Amazing 'Blackdar'

I have this amazing gift. It's called "blackdar," and it enables me to tell whether someone is African-American without even knowing anything about them. To be honest, I don't know where I got the skill. But wherever I did, I can pass somebody on the street and just instantly know.

Like that guy from Saturday Night Live who's in that new Ladies Man movie? That guy is definitely black, no doubt about it. He gives off all the signals.

And Whitney Houston? You better believe she's black.

I've had this power since I was a kid. Once, when I was maybe 10, I saw Sammy Davis Jr. performing on television, and I just said to myself, "I bet that guy's black." Well, a little later, his autobiography came out and–kaboom! I was right! And you remember in the '80s, when Bill Cosby got into a whole flap with NBC about an anti-Apartheid slogan on The Cosby Show? Well, I had him pegged years before that. I saw him on The Tonight Show once in the '70s and thought to myself, "That guy's as black as the last banana."

And why do you think that Roots mini-series felt so authentic, so convincing? Those actors weren't just pretending to be black.... they were black. Yes, even LeVar Burton–black, black, black!

I could go on and on. Did you ever watch In Living Color? Oh, man. That show was an enclave. We're talking Chocolate City. The question on that show was, who wasn't black? Not many, let me tell you.

Having blackdar is an instinct either you have or you don't. Even so, there are little telltale signs to look for that can tip you off as to whether somebody's black. There are certain ways of dressing, walking, and talking that can give it away. And, of course, where the person lives. For example, there's an area in San Francisco that's almost entirely black. Same thing in New York. Los Angeles has a black part of town, too. So, if you meet somebody and they tell you they live in one of those places, chances are pretty good that they're black.

Okay, so my blackdar is not 100 percent infallible. Sometimes, on very rare occasions, it fails me. Like with Mariah Carey. At first, I was positive she was black, but now I'm not so sure. And that guy on the Yankees, Derek Jeter. I'm pretty on the fence about him, too. But, like I said, that's the rare exception. Almost always, I'll look at a person and immediately know for sure whether they're black, like, say, Jesse Jackson, or not, like Peter Jennings.

Last week, I was at the mall food court with my friend Demetrius. The two of us were just sitting there, having fun watching people walk past and trying to pick out who's black. As we're talking, this obviously white guy at the next table overhears us. So he turns to us and says, "How are you guys so good at that? Is it because you yourselves are black? Are you?" I just told him, hey, that's none of your business.

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