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I Can Love You Like That

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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I Can Love You Like That

They read you Cinderella, you hoped it would come true, and one day a Prince Charming would come rescue you. You like romantic movies, and you never will forget the way you felt when Romeo kissed Juliet.

And all this time that you've been waiting, you don't have to wait no more.

I can love you like that. I would make you my world. Move heaven and earth if you were my girl. I would give you my heart, be all that you need, show you you're everything that's precious to me. If you give me a chance, I can love you like that.

I never make a promise I don't intend to keep, so when I say forever, forever's what I mean. Well, I'm no Casanova, but I swear this much is true: I'll be holding nothing back when it comes to you.

You dream of love that's everlasting. Well, baby, open up your eyes.

I can love you like that. I would make you my world. Move heaven and earth if you were my girl. I would give you my heart, be all that you need, show you you're everything that's precious to me. If you give me a chance, I can love you like that.

If you want tenderness, I got tenderness. And I see through to the heart of you. If you want a man who will understand, you don't have to look very far. I can love you. Girl, I can love you, love you.

I can love you like that. I would make you my world. Move heaven and earth if you were my girl. I would give you my heart, be all that you need, show you you're everything that's precious to me. I can love you like that. I can love you, always kiss and hug you. Baby, be mine, my one and only girl.

I would give you my heart. My heart. My heart. My world. Show you you're everything. Oh, you're everything to me. Love you like... I can, I can love you. If you let me love you... heaven and earth if you were my girl... my, my girl... I would give you my heart... my world... show you you're everything.

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