adBlockCheck

I Can Make Things Right

Top Headlines

Recent News

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Can Make Things Right

Baby, my world is empty since you shut me out of your life that night. Things were so good between us. Open up your heart to me once again, and I will walk in and make you feel like twice the woman you are without me. All I need is one more chance. If you would give me that chance, I know I could make things right.

If you knew what kind of pain Smoove has been in since you left, you would not be so cold. I ache so bad, girl. It is a pain of the heart and of the soul, which is the worst kind of pain. It is even worse than a headache, but I've also been getting those lately, as a result of the emotional pain.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I wake up in my circular, red canopy bed and realize that you're not lying there beside me. I cry out, "Baby, why aren't you here in bed with me?" I sometimes think that you are somewhere within my penthouse apartment, perhaps in the bathroom or out on the couch watching Jay Leno, and that you will hear my plea and come back to me. But you never are.

Other times, when it's raining outside, I walk the streets without an umbrella, because I have not cared how my hair looks since you left. The only thing in this world that brought me warmth is gone and won't return my multiple voicemail messages.

Come back to me, girl. Don't you realize that I am the one for you, and you are the one for me? We were meant for each other. The finest craftsmen in Europe could not carve two wooden items to fit together as well as we do. If people were to see us in a fine museum or someplace, they would think we were one item. From a distance, we would look like a single object, and only upon closer examination could anyone notice the line where we were joined. A lot of people still would not be able to see the line, and would need others to point it out for them. They would have to take off their glasses to look for it. That is the way it is when we're together. Damn.

Come to my penthouse apartment this evening, or, if you absolutely cannot make it because you're busy, some other evening in the near future. I will show you a night that will surpass your wildest romantic fantasies. I will wear my crimson silk pajama bottoms and robe, but neglect to wear the matching shirt, so as to show off my chest and abdomen.

I will make you a sumptuous dinner of duck, wild rice, and baby carrots. Butter will be available for all three, but it will be placed on the side. You may butter to your heart's content, but I will not presume that you like a lot of butter. Throughout the meal, I will refill your crystal wineglass with only the finest wine known to the South American regions. You will never need to touch the bottle, unless you want to look at the drawing on the label. Did I mention that Ralph Tresvant will be playing on the stereo during dinner? He will be. This is a promise.

After dinner, I will take you to my patio and hold you from behind as we look out into the night. I will kiss your beautiful neck and shoulders while the wind blows through your hair. I will point out constellations in the sky and tell you which ones remind me of you.

Then I will put my sting in you sideways.

I will give it to you all night long and into the dawn, taking you to unexplored regions of passion. We will grind our way through uncharted lands peopled by gentle natives who are receptive to our message of peace and sex-making.

In the morning, hot biscuits and gravy will be available.

Do you remember what it was like to be held in Smoove's strong and gentle arms? Don't you miss the feeling? I would give almost anything to be able to hold you one more time, if only for 30 seconds. Of course, I would prefer to hold you for a much longer amount of time.

Only you can make me feel like a whole man again. Being half of a Smoove is not enough. Let me be whole again. I am begging you. I will never do you wrong again.

Come back to Smoove.

You have my cell-phone number. I have the phone on me at all times, and I am careful to keep the battery charged. If I don't pick up, I probably lost my signal temporarily, but will be back in range shortly, so make sure to leave a message.

Please, girl, call.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close