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I Can Make Things Right

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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.
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I Can Make Things Right

Baby, my world is empty since you shut me out of your life that night. Things were so good between us. Open up your heart to me once again, and I will walk in and make you feel like twice the woman you are without me. All I need is one more chance. If you would give me that chance, I know I could make things right.

If you knew what kind of pain Smoove has been in since you left, you would not be so cold. I ache so bad, girl. It is a pain of the heart and of the soul, which is the worst kind of pain. It is even worse than a headache, but I've also been getting those lately, as a result of the emotional pain.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I wake up in my circular, red canopy bed and realize that you're not lying there beside me. I cry out, "Baby, why aren't you here in bed with me?" I sometimes think that you are somewhere within my penthouse apartment, perhaps in the bathroom or out on the couch watching Jay Leno, and that you will hear my plea and come back to me. But you never are.

Other times, when it's raining outside, I walk the streets without an umbrella, because I have not cared how my hair looks since you left. The only thing in this world that brought me warmth is gone and won't return my multiple voicemail messages.

Come back to me, girl. Don't you realize that I am the one for you, and you are the one for me? We were meant for each other. The finest craftsmen in Europe could not carve two wooden items to fit together as well as we do. If people were to see us in a fine museum or someplace, they would think we were one item. From a distance, we would look like a single object, and only upon closer examination could anyone notice the line where we were joined. A lot of people still would not be able to see the line, and would need others to point it out for them. They would have to take off their glasses to look for it. That is the way it is when we're together. Damn.

Come to my penthouse apartment this evening, or, if you absolutely cannot make it because you're busy, some other evening in the near future. I will show you a night that will surpass your wildest romantic fantasies. I will wear my crimson silk pajama bottoms and robe, but neglect to wear the matching shirt, so as to show off my chest and abdomen.

I will make you a sumptuous dinner of duck, wild rice, and baby carrots. Butter will be available for all three, but it will be placed on the side. You may butter to your heart's content, but I will not presume that you like a lot of butter. Throughout the meal, I will refill your crystal wineglass with only the finest wine known to the South American regions. You will never need to touch the bottle, unless you want to look at the drawing on the label. Did I mention that Ralph Tresvant will be playing on the stereo during dinner? He will be. This is a promise.

After dinner, I will take you to my patio and hold you from behind as we look out into the night. I will kiss your beautiful neck and shoulders while the wind blows through your hair. I will point out constellations in the sky and tell you which ones remind me of you.

Then I will put my sting in you sideways.

I will give it to you all night long and into the dawn, taking you to unexplored regions of passion. We will grind our way through uncharted lands peopled by gentle natives who are receptive to our message of peace and sex-making.

In the morning, hot biscuits and gravy will be available.

Do you remember what it was like to be held in Smoove's strong and gentle arms? Don't you miss the feeling? I would give almost anything to be able to hold you one more time, if only for 30 seconds. Of course, I would prefer to hold you for a much longer amount of time.

Only you can make me feel like a whole man again. Being half of a Smoove is not enough. Let me be whole again. I am begging you. I will never do you wrong again.

Come back to Smoove.

You have my cell-phone number. I have the phone on me at all times, and I am careful to keep the battery charged. If I don't pick up, I probably lost my signal temporarily, but will be back in range shortly, so make sure to leave a message.

Please, girl, call.

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