I Can Make Things Right

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Vol 40 Issue 10

Every Song On Radio Reminds Man Of Red Sox Loss

BOSTON—Every song on the radio reminds Red Sox fan Patrick O'Malley of the team's loss to the New York Yankees in Game 7 of the 2003 American League Championship Series. "'One Call Away' on 94.5 reminded me of how [manager] Grady Little's call kept Pedro Martinez on the mound in the eighth," O'Malley said Monday. "So I flipped over to 97.9, but then Van Halen's 'Poundcake' reminded me of how Yankee batter Aaron Boone pounded Tim Wakefield's knuckleball over the fence." O'Malley then switched to AM radio, where a farm report reminded him of that corndog he threw on the ground when Boone crossed home plate in the game's 11th inning.

Study: 58 Percent Of U.S. Exercise Televised

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a new Department of Health and Human Services study, 58 percent of all exercise performed in the U.S. is broadcast on television. "Of the 3.5 billion push-ups performed in 2003, 2.03 billion took place on exercise shows on the Lifetime Network and ESPN3 or fitness segments on Good Morning America," the study read. "The abundance of TV exercise would create the impression that America is a healthy society, if everyone didn't already know that we're a bunch of disgusting, near-immobile spectators." The DHHS study also indicated that 99.3 percent of the nation's Soloflex workouts are televised.

Dog Trying Its Absolute Hardest

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Woofers, the Eli family's high-spirited, 3-year-old Scottish terrier, is trying his absolute hardest at everything he does, family sources reported Monday. "Look at him," wife Jen Eli said as Woofers presented her with a tennis ball for the 22nd time that hour. "His tongue's out, his tail's wagging, he's bouncing all over the place trying to please us. There's only so much that a dog can accomplish, but Woofers is trying his best." Eli's utterance of the word "Woofers" spurred a frenzy of irrelevant leaping.

Republicans Retain Majority In Household

OMAHA, NE—In spite of a vocal Democratic following among the 16-year-old son and 12-year-old daughter demographics, Republicans managed to retain a slim majority in the Sanderson family, front-door exit polls revealed Monday. "Fortunately, strong Republican support among 48-year-old fathers and 46-year-old mothers won over the key swing vote among 6-year-olds named Timmy," speaker of the household Donald Sanderson said. "This, combined with the traditional Republican stronghold among visiting, over-60 grandparents, allowed Republicans to maintain control." The GOP has held the majority in the Sandersons' last 37 Sunday dinners.

Ask Kenneth Cole

Kenneth Cole is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask Kenneth Cole, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

I Can Make Things Right

Baby, my world is empty since you shut me out of your life that night. Things were so good between us. Open up your heart to me once again, and I will walk in and make you feel like twice the woman you are without me. All I need is one more chance. If you would give me that chance, I know I could make things right.

If you knew what kind of pain Smoove has been in since you left, you would not be so cold. I ache so bad, girl. It is a pain of the heart and of the soul, which is the worst kind of pain. It is even worse than a headache, but I've also been getting those lately, as a result of the emotional pain.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I wake up in my circular, red canopy bed and realize that you're not lying there beside me. I cry out, "Baby, why aren't you here in bed with me?" I sometimes think that you are somewhere within my penthouse apartment, perhaps in the bathroom or out on the couch watching Jay Leno, and that you will hear my plea and come back to me. But you never are.

Other times, when it's raining outside, I walk the streets without an umbrella, because I have not cared how my hair looks since you left. The only thing in this world that brought me warmth is gone and won't return my multiple voicemail messages.

Come back to me, girl. Don't you realize that I am the one for you, and you are the one for me? We were meant for each other. The finest craftsmen in Europe could not carve two wooden items to fit together as well as we do. If people were to see us in a fine museum or someplace, they would think we were one item. From a distance, we would look like a single object, and only upon closer examination could anyone notice the line where we were joined. A lot of people still would not be able to see the line, and would need others to point it out for them. They would have to take off their glasses to look for it. That is the way it is when we're together. Damn.

Come to my penthouse apartment this evening, or, if you absolutely cannot make it because you're busy, some other evening in the near future. I will show you a night that will surpass your wildest romantic fantasies. I will wear my crimson silk pajama bottoms and robe, but neglect to wear the matching shirt, so as to show off my chest and abdomen.

I will make you a sumptuous dinner of duck, wild rice, and baby carrots. Butter will be available for all three, but it will be placed on the side. You may butter to your heart's content, but I will not presume that you like a lot of butter. Throughout the meal, I will refill your crystal wineglass with only the finest wine known to the South American regions. You will never need to touch the bottle, unless you want to look at the drawing on the label. Did I mention that Ralph Tresvant will be playing on the stereo during dinner? He will be. This is a promise.

After dinner, I will take you to my patio and hold you from behind as we look out into the night. I will kiss your beautiful neck and shoulders while the wind blows through your hair. I will point out constellations in the sky and tell you which ones remind me of you.

Then I will put my sting in you sideways.

I will give it to you all night long and into the dawn, taking you to unexplored regions of passion. We will grind our way through uncharted lands peopled by gentle natives who are receptive to our message of peace and sex-making.

In the morning, hot biscuits and gravy will be available.

Do you remember what it was like to be held in Smoove's strong and gentle arms? Don't you miss the feeling? I would give almost anything to be able to hold you one more time, if only for 30 seconds. Of course, I would prefer to hold you for a much longer amount of time.

Only you can make me feel like a whole man again. Being half of a Smoove is not enough. Let me be whole again. I am begging you. I will never do you wrong again.

Come back to Smoove.

You have my cell-phone number. I have the phone on me at all times, and I am careful to keep the battery charged. If I don't pick up, I probably lost my signal temporarily, but will be back in range shortly, so make sure to leave a message.

Please, girl, call.

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