adBlockCheck

I Can Write 600 Words About Anything

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Can Write 600 Words About Anything

Let's see now, where to begin...

In life, every single person belonging to the Homo sapien species—be that person man or woman, boy or girl, adolescent male or adolescent female—has a special (meaning unique and distinct) talent that sets him or her apart from the other persons belonging to that aforementioned group, the Homo sapiens. The particular gift that I have been endowed with? I can write 600 words about any topic assigned to me in school, no matter what that topic is, without any exception.

In other words: There is nothing I cannot write 600 words about.

Be it antique furniture, Thai fusion cuisine, the North American sport of baseball, politics, the domesticated animal commonly referred to as the dog, our fragile ecosystem, envelopes, the 17th-century Mexican scholar and nun Sor Juana Inés da la Cruz de Asbaje y Ramirez... I only need a piece of paper, a pen—or preferably a pencil—a flat surface (horizontal not vertical), sufficient light, and for my hands not to be bound or somehow incapacitated to write 600 words about any of these topics.

I am even able to write 600 words about how I can write 600 words about anything.

I myself do not even understand how I do it. I mean, so far in less than 20 minutes, and according to the word-count feature available through the pull-down tools menu in my word-processing program, I have already written 230 words. No, not 230 typescript characters, but 230 whole words! And I did it without putting forth the slightest bit of effort. In this way, I am similar to the muskrat, which without effort makes its way through water.

Allow me to explain: The muskrat (Ondatra zibethicus) is a large aquatic rodent native to North America, covered in brown, waterproof fur, with a strong, laterally compressed tail used for propulsion. The muskrat has partially webbed hind paws and small, hand-like front paws. The muskrat is most active at night or near dawn and dusk. It feeds on cattails and other aquatic vegetation, freshwater mussels, frogs, crayfish, and small turtles. Its predators include minks, foxes, coyotes, wolves, lynxes, and large owls. It is also trapped for its fur and, in some communities, its meat.

I would just like to pause briefly right here to remark how I was able, only moments ago, to reach word number 400. Yes, 400.

It is strange, but when I sit in front of my computer, the lower half of my body resting comfortably on a chair, it is almost as if the words, not unlike water from a receptacle, pour out of me. Sure, it is not always easy, as there are moments of difficulty, as when, for example, sometimes—not always, but sometimes, every now and then—I will struggle sentence after sentence to find just the perfect word.

But that's writing—struggling sentence after sentence to find just the perfect word.

It's like 20th-century novelist George Orwell once said, "A scrupulous writer, in every sentence that he writes, will ask himself at least four questions, thus: First. What am I trying to say? Second. What words will express it? Third. What image or idiom will make it clearer? Fourth. Is this image fresh enough to have an effect?"

Make that 542, baby. Boo-yah! (544)

In conclusion, grammarians agree that the last 40 words of a 600-word essay are the easiest to write. Even a child, typing, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah," could do it.

Sincerely yours,

Jason Alford

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close