adBlockCheck

I Can Write 600 Words About Anything

Top Headlines

Recent News

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Can Write 600 Words About Anything

Let's see now, where to begin...

In life, every single person belonging to the Homo sapien species—be that person man or woman, boy or girl, adolescent male or adolescent female—has a special (meaning unique and distinct) talent that sets him or her apart from the other persons belonging to that aforementioned group, the Homo sapiens. The particular gift that I have been endowed with? I can write 600 words about any topic assigned to me in school, no matter what that topic is, without any exception.

In other words: There is nothing I cannot write 600 words about.

Be it antique furniture, Thai fusion cuisine, the North American sport of baseball, politics, the domesticated animal commonly referred to as the dog, our fragile ecosystem, envelopes, the 17th-century Mexican scholar and nun Sor Juana Inés da la Cruz de Asbaje y Ramirez... I only need a piece of paper, a pen—or preferably a pencil—a flat surface (horizontal not vertical), sufficient light, and for my hands not to be bound or somehow incapacitated to write 600 words about any of these topics.

I am even able to write 600 words about how I can write 600 words about anything.

I myself do not even understand how I do it. I mean, so far in less than 20 minutes, and according to the word-count feature available through the pull-down tools menu in my word-processing program, I have already written 230 words. No, not 230 typescript characters, but 230 whole words! And I did it without putting forth the slightest bit of effort. In this way, I am similar to the muskrat, which without effort makes its way through water.

Allow me to explain: The muskrat (Ondatra zibethicus) is a large aquatic rodent native to North America, covered in brown, waterproof fur, with a strong, laterally compressed tail used for propulsion. The muskrat has partially webbed hind paws and small, hand-like front paws. The muskrat is most active at night or near dawn and dusk. It feeds on cattails and other aquatic vegetation, freshwater mussels, frogs, crayfish, and small turtles. Its predators include minks, foxes, coyotes, wolves, lynxes, and large owls. It is also trapped for its fur and, in some communities, its meat.

I would just like to pause briefly right here to remark how I was able, only moments ago, to reach word number 400. Yes, 400.

It is strange, but when I sit in front of my computer, the lower half of my body resting comfortably on a chair, it is almost as if the words, not unlike water from a receptacle, pour out of me. Sure, it is not always easy, as there are moments of difficulty, as when, for example, sometimes—not always, but sometimes, every now and then—I will struggle sentence after sentence to find just the perfect word.

But that's writing—struggling sentence after sentence to find just the perfect word.

It's like 20th-century novelist George Orwell once said, "A scrupulous writer, in every sentence that he writes, will ask himself at least four questions, thus: First. What am I trying to say? Second. What words will express it? Third. What image or idiom will make it clearer? Fourth. Is this image fresh enough to have an effect?"

Make that 542, baby. Boo-yah! (544)

In conclusion, grammarians agree that the last 40 words of a 600-word essay are the easiest to write. Even a child, typing, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah," could do it.

Sincerely yours,

Jason Alford

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close