I Can't Believe I Missed The Oscars!

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Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo

WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

I Can't Believe I Missed The Oscars!

What sort of entertainment journalist am I? I was all psyched for the Oscars this year, as I am every year. Would Gwenth Paltrow look slim? Would Tom Hanks be sporting his madman beard? Who would take away the Best Adapted Screenplay award? I couldn't wait to find out!

The day of the show, I went out and bought myself all the provisions I would need, including a box of Sno-Caps, a three-pack of Pop Secret popcorn and a six-pack of Fanta grape soda. While I was at the store, the video-rental section caught my eye. I saw they had City Slickers and City Slickers II. I love those movies, so I decided to rent them. When I got home, it was about an hour before the Oscars, so I decided I would whet my appetite for Oscar hostraordinaire Billy Crystal with a City Slickers teaser.

Well, I should have known better. I always get roped in by City Slickers, and this time was no exception. I watched them both back to back. By the time I was done, the Oscars were almost over. I was so mad at myself! The singing, the dancing, the wisecracking–I'd missed it all! So if anyone out there recorded it, please send me a copy. And don't tell me who won.

Item! Is the 21st century going to be the century where nothing is left to the imagination? First, there's the matter of the Golden Globe Awards. Jennifer Lopez, who is certainly lovely to look at, was wearing a dress that displayed more than a little of her chest, as well as her prominent posterior. Then there's teen sensation Britney Spears, who dresses like a tramp and sings bawdy songs I certainly wouldn't want my niece singing. Let's try to remember that there is a new generation we want to raise right, and we shouldn't have them exposed to this sort of thing all the time!

Say, who does that "Funk Soul Brother" song I keep hearing? I'm really getting into it! It's made me buy snack chips and a camera already. Who knows what it will make me buy next?

Rumors are flying about the next Star Wars movie. At least, I imagine they are.

Item! Julia Roberts has been sporting a new look in her movie Erin Brokaw. Of course, I am referring to her hair. I don't know who her designer is, but he has done wonders with it. Why, her new hair even makes her breasts look larger.

Leo's new movie... What is it?

Kids everywhere are going ape for the Pokémon! As a columnist who likes to have his finger firmly planted on the grapevine of what's hot, I had to ask some hard questions: Is it an animal? Is it a game? Is it a movie? All I know for sure right now is that it has something to do with a yellow thing and two lawsuits. More as this develops.

Item! The world was shocked by the Fox show Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire? First, it turns out that they were married, but they didn't honeymoon together, if you catch my drift. Then they went home separately. Then, it turns out, he wasn't really a multi-millionaire at all, but a stand-up comedian and motivational speaker who motivated people to place restraining orders against him. Then it turns out that the bride said she was a Gulf War veteran but wasn't. This story is sordid and shameful, and everyone who was involved in producing it should be ashamed of themselves. Why would they put such a spectacle up on the screen where 22 million people were forced to helplessly watch?

I'm glad teenagers are finally getting their fair shake in Hollywood.

I finally have to speak out on the scandal that rocked Tinseltown: the Rosie O'Donnell/Tom Selleck feud. I love Rosie. I think her show is dynamite. And while I agree with Rosie 110 percent that guns are bad, I can't endorse her attack. Tom was just there to talk about his hilarious new movie The Love Letter (which I can't endorse enough!), and Rosie just started talking about something else. Come on, Rosie, you're better than that! The bottom line is, when celebrities fight, everyone loses.

If there's a person alive who doesn't wish Molly Ringwald had a new series on the air, I haven't met 'em yet.

I'm happy to report that no one famous has died recently. Maybe this new century will be one in which our celebrities can live forever, promising a golden age in entertainment. And what an age it would be, because there are new celebrities coming out of the Dream Factory every day, and they'd be able to make movie magic with the old celebrities! And when that dream comes true, count on your old pal Jackie Harvey to be there to bring you the Outside Scoop!