I Can't Believe I Missed The Oscars!

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Vol 36 Issue 12

Kitchen Staff Warned Not To Make Fun Of Regional Manager

TRAVERSE CITY, MI–Shift manager Dennis Brandt issued a stern warning to his Bennigan's crew Monday not to make fun of visiting regional manager Gary Wallace. "I'm telling you right up front that Gary has a bit of a weight problem," Brandt told the staff. "So if I see anyone giggling or making fun of him in any way whatsoever, there will be consequences. Got it? Because if he catches any of you laughing, it's me he's gonna go after, not you." The staff has previously received stern warnings not to make fun of the woman with the limp who frequently eats there and the man with the scar who delivers the Coke syrup.

Clinton Fumbles With Submarine Controls; 'Everything's In German!' He Shouts

SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTH SEA–His hand-picked mob of go-to-hell leathernecks counting on him for their very survival, President Clinton tried frantically Monday to make sense of the German-labeled controls of captured Nazi Kreigsmarine Unterseeboot 639. "I can't make head or tail of this Kraut malarkey!" Clinton told mortally wounded Seaman First Class Bruce Cohen, the plucky kid from Brooklyn who heroically fended off Stuka dive-bombers with the deck gun. "We've got to blow the tanks and dive now! Now! What the hell is 'BALLASZTWASSER'?" It is believed to be the most gripping moment of the Clinton presidency since April 1998, when he told unconscious HHS Secretary Donna Shalala, "You've never given up on anything in your life, you bitch, now fight! Fight!"

Man Carefully Selects T-Shirt For Night Out

WILMINGTON, NC–After nearly half an hour of trying on different T-shirts, Wilmington resident Larry Goltz finally settled on a black Peterbilt Trucks shirt for a night on the town Saturday. "I was going to wear my Blockbuster Video T-shirt, but it's white, and I wanted something a little nicer for a Saturday night. Plus, I wore that one when we went bowling Tuesday," Goltz said. "I was also thinking about my plain red one, but for some reason, I was in the mood to wear something with writing on it. And I like the way the Peterbilt logo on the chest draws attention away from my belly." Goltz said he is "99 percent sure" he made the right choice.

Last Month Apparently Women's History Month

ATLANTA–According to an ad in a March issue of Bon Appetit magazine lying around dermatologist Dr. Ira Haas' waiting room, March was, apparently, Women's History Month. "I had no idea," said Gail Travis, who happened to come across the ad, which read, "Join Almay In Celebrating Women's History Month," while waiting to see Haas. "That's the first I'd heard of it. Oh, well, guess I missed it." People across the nation are equally surprised. "Are you sure? I thought it was Black History Month," said Timothy Durkee of Wayzata, MN. "Or maybe that was February." Liz Unger, CEO of Almay Cosmetics and co-chair of the Women's History Month Project, described the month-long celebration of "women's remarkable contributions through the ages" as an "unqualified success."

Bereaved

I hope you are all sitting down, because I have some-thing terrible to impart. No, the President was not assassinated. If only that were the case! The news is far, far sadder. But first, I will string you along with some largely unnecessary details presented in a rambling, discursive manner, so as to build suspense and fulfill my word quota.

U.S. Population At 13,462

WASHINGTON, DC–With the April 1 deadline for returning Census 2000 forms finally passed, the Bureau of the Census announced Monday that the U.S. population stands at 13,462.
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

I Can't Believe I Missed The Oscars!

What sort of entertainment journalist am I? I was all psyched for the Oscars this year, as I am every year. Would Gwenth Paltrow look slim? Would Tom Hanks be sporting his madman beard? Who would take away the Best Adapted Screenplay award? I couldn't wait to find out!

The day of the show, I went out and bought myself all the provisions I would need, including a box of Sno-Caps, a three-pack of Pop Secret popcorn and a six-pack of Fanta grape soda. While I was at the store, the video-rental section caught my eye. I saw they had City Slickers and City Slickers II. I love those movies, so I decided to rent them. When I got home, it was about an hour before the Oscars, so I decided I would whet my appetite for Oscar hostraordinaire Billy Crystal with a City Slickers teaser.

Well, I should have known better. I always get roped in by City Slickers, and this time was no exception. I watched them both back to back. By the time I was done, the Oscars were almost over. I was so mad at myself! The singing, the dancing, the wisecracking–I'd missed it all! So if anyone out there recorded it, please send me a copy. And don't tell me who won.

Item! Is the 21st century going to be the century where nothing is left to the imagination? First, there's the matter of the Golden Globe Awards. Jennifer Lopez, who is certainly lovely to look at, was wearing a dress that displayed more than a little of her chest, as well as her prominent posterior. Then there's teen sensation Britney Spears, who dresses like a tramp and sings bawdy songs I certainly wouldn't want my niece singing. Let's try to remember that there is a new generation we want to raise right, and we shouldn't have them exposed to this sort of thing all the time!

Say, who does that "Funk Soul Brother" song I keep hearing? I'm really getting into it! It's made me buy snack chips and a camera already. Who knows what it will make me buy next?

Rumors are flying about the next Star Wars movie. At least, I imagine they are.

Item! Julia Roberts has been sporting a new look in her movie Erin Brokaw. Of course, I am referring to her hair. I don't know who her designer is, but he has done wonders with it. Why, her new hair even makes her breasts look larger.

Leo's new movie... What is it?

Kids everywhere are going ape for the Pokémon! As a columnist who likes to have his finger firmly planted on the grapevine of what's hot, I had to ask some hard questions: Is it an animal? Is it a game? Is it a movie? All I know for sure right now is that it has something to do with a yellow thing and two lawsuits. More as this develops.

Item! The world was shocked by the Fox show Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire? First, it turns out that they were married, but they didn't honeymoon together, if you catch my drift. Then they went home separately. Then, it turns out, he wasn't really a multi-millionaire at all, but a stand-up comedian and motivational speaker who motivated people to place restraining orders against him. Then it turns out that the bride said she was a Gulf War veteran but wasn't. This story is sordid and shameful, and everyone who was involved in producing it should be ashamed of themselves. Why would they put such a spectacle up on the screen where 22 million people were forced to helplessly watch?

I'm glad teenagers are finally getting their fair shake in Hollywood.

I finally have to speak out on the scandal that rocked Tinseltown: the Rosie O'Donnell/Tom Selleck feud. I love Rosie. I think her show is dynamite. And while I agree with Rosie 110 percent that guns are bad, I can't endorse her attack. Tom was just there to talk about his hilarious new movie The Love Letter (which I can't endorse enough!), and Rosie just started talking about something else. Come on, Rosie, you're better than that! The bottom line is, when celebrities fight, everyone loses.

If there's a person alive who doesn't wish Molly Ringwald had a new series on the air, I haven't met 'em yet.

I'm happy to report that no one famous has died recently. Maybe this new century will be one in which our celebrities can live forever, promising a golden age in entertainment. And what an age it would be, because there are new celebrities coming out of the Dream Factory every day, and they'd be able to make movie magic with the old celebrities! And when that dream comes true, count on your old pal Jackie Harvey to be there to bring you the Outside Scoop!

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