adBlockCheck

I Can't Believe I Missed The Oscars!

Top Headlines

Recent News

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

I Can't Believe I Missed The Oscars!

What sort of entertainment journalist am I? I was all psyched for the Oscars this year, as I am every year. Would Gwenth Paltrow look slim? Would Tom Hanks be sporting his madman beard? Who would take away the Best Adapted Screenplay award? I couldn't wait to find out!

The day of the show, I went out and bought myself all the provisions I would need, including a box of Sno-Caps, a three-pack of Pop Secret popcorn and a six-pack of Fanta grape soda. While I was at the store, the video-rental section caught my eye. I saw they had City Slickers and City Slickers II. I love those movies, so I decided to rent them. When I got home, it was about an hour before the Oscars, so I decided I would whet my appetite for Oscar hostraordinaire Billy Crystal with a City Slickers teaser.

Well, I should have known better. I always get roped in by City Slickers, and this time was no exception. I watched them both back to back. By the time I was done, the Oscars were almost over. I was so mad at myself! The singing, the dancing, the wisecracking–I'd missed it all! So if anyone out there recorded it, please send me a copy. And don't tell me who won.

Item! Is the 21st century going to be the century where nothing is left to the imagination? First, there's the matter of the Golden Globe Awards. Jennifer Lopez, who is certainly lovely to look at, was wearing a dress that displayed more than a little of her chest, as well as her prominent posterior. Then there's teen sensation Britney Spears, who dresses like a tramp and sings bawdy songs I certainly wouldn't want my niece singing. Let's try to remember that there is a new generation we want to raise right, and we shouldn't have them exposed to this sort of thing all the time!

Say, who does that "Funk Soul Brother" song I keep hearing? I'm really getting into it! It's made me buy snack chips and a camera already. Who knows what it will make me buy next?

Rumors are flying about the next Star Wars movie. At least, I imagine they are.

Item! Julia Roberts has been sporting a new look in her movie Erin Brokaw. Of course, I am referring to her hair. I don't know who her designer is, but he has done wonders with it. Why, her new hair even makes her breasts look larger.

Leo's new movie... What is it?

Kids everywhere are going ape for the Pokémon! As a columnist who likes to have his finger firmly planted on the grapevine of what's hot, I had to ask some hard questions: Is it an animal? Is it a game? Is it a movie? All I know for sure right now is that it has something to do with a yellow thing and two lawsuits. More as this develops.

Item! The world was shocked by the Fox show Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire? First, it turns out that they were married, but they didn't honeymoon together, if you catch my drift. Then they went home separately. Then, it turns out, he wasn't really a multi-millionaire at all, but a stand-up comedian and motivational speaker who motivated people to place restraining orders against him. Then it turns out that the bride said she was a Gulf War veteran but wasn't. This story is sordid and shameful, and everyone who was involved in producing it should be ashamed of themselves. Why would they put such a spectacle up on the screen where 22 million people were forced to helplessly watch?

I'm glad teenagers are finally getting their fair shake in Hollywood.

I finally have to speak out on the scandal that rocked Tinseltown: the Rosie O'Donnell/Tom Selleck feud. I love Rosie. I think her show is dynamite. And while I agree with Rosie 110 percent that guns are bad, I can't endorse her attack. Tom was just there to talk about his hilarious new movie The Love Letter (which I can't endorse enough!), and Rosie just started talking about something else. Come on, Rosie, you're better than that! The bottom line is, when celebrities fight, everyone loses.

If there's a person alive who doesn't wish Molly Ringwald had a new series on the air, I haven't met 'em yet.

I'm happy to report that no one famous has died recently. Maybe this new century will be one in which our celebrities can live forever, promising a golden age in entertainment. And what an age it would be, because there are new celebrities coming out of the Dream Factory every day, and they'd be able to make movie magic with the old celebrities! And when that dream comes true, count on your old pal Jackie Harvey to be there to bring you the Outside Scoop!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close