How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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I Can't Believe I'm Being Forced To Sit On This Couch While Jay Leno Interviews Josh Hartnett

Don't get me wrong: It's great being on the show. Love Jay, love the audience, really. And this Josh…Hartnett, is it? He seems like a good kid. Reminds me a little of myself before I hit it big. I honestly think it's great to see him up there telling Jay how "weird" it was to do his first sex scene and all, but I'm just a bit worried that some people might be a little put off by the fact that I am asked to "scoot over" while Jay Leno interviews someone else.

I know, I can hardly believe it myself.

Believe me. I will move over. Always do. I'm a professional actor, after all, so I'm accustomed to adapting to strange and completely unbelievable situations. Remember the time on ER when I saved that boy who was trapped in a flash flood while the local news crews filmed the daring rescue? If I could make that look realistic, it should be a piece of cake to convince 11 million viewers that I flew in from Italy just to sit quietly off camera and listen to Josh Hartnett tell stories—none of which involve cowriting the critically acclaimed Good Night, And Good Luck, mind you.

Look, I'm just happy that I got to show the audience a clip of a movie I directed and starred in, Leatherheads, and chat for a few with Jay about how "sophisticated" my performance was in Michael Clayton, which left theaters less than eight weeks ago. To even have the opportunity to get up there is absolutely amazing, and I still can't get over the fact that so many people seem to think I'm good at what I do. Once again, though—no offense to Josh here—I can only lean casually into frame and deliver one of my disarming and self-effacing asides so many times before it gets a little, well, not cool.

I know asking the guest to "stick around" is tradition, but so was curing baldness with leeches until someone realized it didn't make any sense at all.

Let's just analyze this logically. Over there, you have Jay Leno, who doesn't break eye contact with me the whole time I'm there, despite the fact that he's supposed to be asking Josh Hartnett if he's got any pets. Next, we have Josh Hartnett, who not only has to follow the crackling excitement over the first guest, but also has to convince the crowd that the new vampire movie he's in is more interesting than the fact that George Clooney just pulled his pant leg down a quarter of an inch. Then there's me—hey!—just hanging out slightly to the left of frame for the next eight minutes or so.

Don't mind. Little old. Me.

Now, I understand why I was brought out first. It's important to give the people what they want or they'll switch the channel and start watching O Brother, Where Art Thou? on Showtime. But by now they're thinking, "My, my, that George Clooney! What a class act. The way he still pulls pranks on his costars is so down to earth, and he just gives you this sense that he always knows the score. I find myself liking him despite—wait. What's this? Why is he standing up? Is he going off to make another fantastic Steven Soderbergh movie?"

Don't worry, folks. I'm still here, having a fantastic time clearing the way for a guy from one of those '70s shows. After all, I wouldn't want to be the kind of well-respected celebrity who can be named People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive twice but not have the grace and humility to share the spotlight with a nice young guy like Jake. Josh. Otherwise people might get tired of hearing about the challenges of choosing new and compelling roles for more than 25 years while keeping your integrity in a business that is basically dependent on either selling out or burning out. Or how to be known simultaneously as a sex symbol, a man's man, and a genuine talent.

I'm sorry. I always blab on and on and make a big bore out of myself. If I could make this all better by wrinkling my brow, I would, but that wouldn't exactly be fair, now, would it. Oh, well. Next thing you know they'll be asking me to help the musical act carry their amps onstage.

And I'd do it. Would Josh Hartnett do it?

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