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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

I Can't Believe The TV They Make Me Watch

I cannot believe the garbage they make me watch on TV these days. Do they think we're morons or something?

Take, for example, that show Soul Man. Every week, I think it can't get any worse, and somehow, it does. In last week's episode, Tim Allen's character from Home Improvement dropped in on Reverend Mike and the gang (again) and wreaked havoc when he tried to repair the church's electrical wiring. It was so dumb, I nearly turned it off!

Things weren't much better on NBC last Monday night, when four straight shows—Suddenly Susan, Caroline In The City, The Naked Truth and Fired Up—all had practically the same exact plot. Are the people who make these shows that unoriginal? I'm at the point where I can predict almost every line Caroline is going to say to Richard. And, with all the repeats they run, by the second or third time around, I can almost recite an episode's whole darn script! Who needs that?

Then there was that week-long Harper Valley PTA marathon on TNT. I could barely get through it. I mean, it's rough enough having to watch one episode of that lousy show, but 30? Come on!

It's gotten so bad of late, I've had to upgrade from basic to expanded cable. I figured that with expanded cable, I'd finally get something to watch that wasn't just a big waste of time. But was I ever wrong! Now, I get 65 channels, and each one is even more idiotic than the last. From Encore to Court TV to Animal Planet to HBO, I've watched enough hours of every single one to definitively conclude that they're all worthless. And for this, I have to pay $52.35 a month!

I stayed up until 4 a.m. yesterday, and it was the same darn junk all night long. I eventually got so fed up with all the Cheers reruns, psychic-hotline infomercials and World War II documentaries, I grabbed the remote control and shouted, 'No more! I can't take another minute of this!' and turned on The Learning Channel instead. But it was no use: Those same old UFO pseudo-documentaries were on, and they were as insufferable as ever.

And, as if the shows aren't bad enough, you also have to sit through all those commercials. Last night, I was watching TV Censored Bloopers '98, and I counted 46 commercials during that one show alone! Isn't that the saddest thing you've ever heard?

I've decided I can't take all this terrible TV anymore, so I'm going to stay home from work next week to write letters to the networks. I'll tell them what I've been saying ever since I got through watching all six seasons of that stupid show Gimme A Break—that television is worthless.

My first letter will concern this new Tom Selleck show The Closer, which is the stupidest show on all of television, much less the shows on CBS I set my VCR for on Monday nights. I simply cannot understand why anyone would want to watch it, especially episodes like the one in which Alex tries to kick-start her dad's romantic life by setting him up with her snowboarding coach, and it turns out that—well, I won't ruin the ending in case you haven't seen it yet.

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