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I Can't Listen To This Nonsense Anymore... Or Can I?

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

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I Can't Listen To This Nonsense Anymore... Or Can I?

It seems that every time I bother to pay attention to what's going on in the world, I hear of another scandal. Another example of greed or incompetence. A city annihilated, a high-ranking government official indicted, Americans working harder and earning less than they did three decades ago...ugh! I can't take it anymore!

Or can I?

Maybe I could listen to one or two more stories of that nature. It wouldn't kill me. It never hurt anybody just to stay informed about what's going on in the community and the world at large, did it?

Yes, I should brush up on local issues, attend city council sessions, and try to effect positive change. I will no longer simply stand by and watch others run this world into the ground.

Or will I?

Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up my hands and tune into Stacked.

Or does it?

You're damned right it does. Pamela Anderson in a bookstore? This is a watershed moment for the entertainment industry, a stunning breakthrough in so-bad-it's-good media content. I can't help but watch it.

Or can I?

I could take it or leave it. It's as good as anything else on TV.

Or is it?

I don't know. It hasn't technically been done before, this exact premise. I'll give it that. But seriously, I've about had it with Hollywood's attempts to entertain me.

Or have I?

I admit I probably couldn't write a much better sitcom. There's more to them than meets the eye. It takes a lot of work and professional know-how. Plus, Stacked was the most successful new sitcom of last season. My hats off to the creative executives of the Fox network! And heck, I would be lying if I said that I didn't admire Pamela Anderson. She's been through a lot.

Or has she?

She was discovered after being caught on the Jumbotron in a Labatt shirt during a Canadian football game. That doesn't seem like it'd take a whole lot of hard work and effort.

Or does it?

No.

Well, then again...

Yes, it does. And she did go on to tape herself having sex with Tommy Lee and get a lot of attention on the Internet because of it, and that shows initiative, I think.

Or do I?

I think if you get breast implants, don't complain that no one takes you seriously as an actress. I think breast implants are just awful, and the last thing I would ever do is recommend that someone seriously think about getting them to give their career a boost.

Perhaps I should reconsider this opinion and give the matter more thought.

Or should I?

The last thing I want to do is sit around and watch ridiculous fake boobies in tight shirts on TV all day until my eyes burn and crack with redness and my brain turns to mush, and I can't find another scrap of deep-fried imitation chicken skin at the bottom of the bucket of KFC popcorn chicken.

Or is that exactly what I want to do? It is! From now on, that's what I'm doing, and I think you should follow my lead.

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