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I Can't Listen To This Nonsense Anymore... Or Can I?

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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I Can't Listen To This Nonsense Anymore... Or Can I?

It seems that every time I bother to pay attention to what's going on in the world, I hear of another scandal. Another example of greed or incompetence. A city annihilated, a high-ranking government official indicted, Americans working harder and earning less than they did three decades ago...ugh! I can't take it anymore!

Or can I?

Maybe I could listen to one or two more stories of that nature. It wouldn't kill me. It never hurt anybody just to stay informed about what's going on in the community and the world at large, did it?

Yes, I should brush up on local issues, attend city council sessions, and try to effect positive change. I will no longer simply stand by and watch others run this world into the ground.

Or will I?

Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up my hands and tune into Stacked.

Or does it?

You're damned right it does. Pamela Anderson in a bookstore? This is a watershed moment for the entertainment industry, a stunning breakthrough in so-bad-it's-good media content. I can't help but watch it.

Or can I?

I could take it or leave it. It's as good as anything else on TV.

Or is it?

I don't know. It hasn't technically been done before, this exact premise. I'll give it that. But seriously, I've about had it with Hollywood's attempts to entertain me.

Or have I?

I admit I probably couldn't write a much better sitcom. There's more to them than meets the eye. It takes a lot of work and professional know-how. Plus, Stacked was the most successful new sitcom of last season. My hats off to the creative executives of the Fox network! And heck, I would be lying if I said that I didn't admire Pamela Anderson. She's been through a lot.

Or has she?

She was discovered after being caught on the Jumbotron in a Labatt shirt during a Canadian football game. That doesn't seem like it'd take a whole lot of hard work and effort.

Or does it?

No.

Well, then again...

Yes, it does. And she did go on to tape herself having sex with Tommy Lee and get a lot of attention on the Internet because of it, and that shows initiative, I think.

Or do I?

I think if you get breast implants, don't complain that no one takes you seriously as an actress. I think breast implants are just awful, and the last thing I would ever do is recommend that someone seriously think about getting them to give their career a boost.

Perhaps I should reconsider this opinion and give the matter more thought.

Or should I?

The last thing I want to do is sit around and watch ridiculous fake boobies in tight shirts on TV all day until my eyes burn and crack with redness and my brain turns to mush, and I can't find another scrap of deep-fried imitation chicken skin at the bottom of the bucket of KFC popcorn chicken.

Or is that exactly what I want to do? It is! From now on, that's what I'm doing, and I think you should follow my lead.

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