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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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I Can't Listen To This Nonsense Anymore... Or Can I?

It seems that every time I bother to pay attention to what's going on in the world, I hear of another scandal. Another example of greed or incompetence. A city annihilated, a high-ranking government official indicted, Americans working harder and earning less than they did three decades ago...ugh! I can't take it anymore!

Or can I?

Maybe I could listen to one or two more stories of that nature. It wouldn't kill me. It never hurt anybody just to stay informed about what's going on in the community and the world at large, did it?

Yes, I should brush up on local issues, attend city council sessions, and try to effect positive change. I will no longer simply stand by and watch others run this world into the ground.

Or will I?

Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up my hands and tune into Stacked.

Or does it?

You're damned right it does. Pamela Anderson in a bookstore? This is a watershed moment for the entertainment industry, a stunning breakthrough in so-bad-it's-good media content. I can't help but watch it.

Or can I?

I could take it or leave it. It's as good as anything else on TV.

Or is it?

I don't know. It hasn't technically been done before, this exact premise. I'll give it that. But seriously, I've about had it with Hollywood's attempts to entertain me.

Or have I?

I admit I probably couldn't write a much better sitcom. There's more to them than meets the eye. It takes a lot of work and professional know-how. Plus, Stacked was the most successful new sitcom of last season. My hats off to the creative executives of the Fox network! And heck, I would be lying if I said that I didn't admire Pamela Anderson. She's been through a lot.

Or has she?

She was discovered after being caught on the Jumbotron in a Labatt shirt during a Canadian football game. That doesn't seem like it'd take a whole lot of hard work and effort.

Or does it?

No.

Well, then again...

Yes, it does. And she did go on to tape herself having sex with Tommy Lee and get a lot of attention on the Internet because of it, and that shows initiative, I think.

Or do I?

I think if you get breast implants, don't complain that no one takes you seriously as an actress. I think breast implants are just awful, and the last thing I would ever do is recommend that someone seriously think about getting them to give their career a boost.

Perhaps I should reconsider this opinion and give the matter more thought.

Or should I?

The last thing I want to do is sit around and watch ridiculous fake boobies in tight shirts on TV all day until my eyes burn and crack with redness and my brain turns to mush, and I can't find another scrap of deep-fried imitation chicken skin at the bottom of the bucket of KFC popcorn chicken.

Or is that exactly what I want to do? It is! From now on, that's what I'm doing, and I think you should follow my lead.

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