I Can't Listen To This Nonsense Anymore... Or Can I?

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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I Can't Listen To This Nonsense Anymore... Or Can I?

It seems that every time I bother to pay attention to what's going on in the world, I hear of another scandal. Another example of greed or incompetence. A city annihilated, a high-ranking government official indicted, Americans working harder and earning less than they did three decades ago...ugh! I can't take it anymore!

Or can I?

Maybe I could listen to one or two more stories of that nature. It wouldn't kill me. It never hurt anybody just to stay informed about what's going on in the community and the world at large, did it?

Yes, I should brush up on local issues, attend city council sessions, and try to effect positive change. I will no longer simply stand by and watch others run this world into the ground.

Or will I?

Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up my hands and tune into Stacked.

Or does it?

You're damned right it does. Pamela Anderson in a bookstore? This is a watershed moment for the entertainment industry, a stunning breakthrough in so-bad-it's-good media content. I can't help but watch it.

Or can I?

I could take it or leave it. It's as good as anything else on TV.

Or is it?

I don't know. It hasn't technically been done before, this exact premise. I'll give it that. But seriously, I've about had it with Hollywood's attempts to entertain me.

Or have I?

I admit I probably couldn't write a much better sitcom. There's more to them than meets the eye. It takes a lot of work and professional know-how. Plus, Stacked was the most successful new sitcom of last season. My hats off to the creative executives of the Fox network! And heck, I would be lying if I said that I didn't admire Pamela Anderson. She's been through a lot.

Or has she?

She was discovered after being caught on the Jumbotron in a Labatt shirt during a Canadian football game. That doesn't seem like it'd take a whole lot of hard work and effort.

Or does it?

No.

Well, then again...

Yes, it does. And she did go on to tape herself having sex with Tommy Lee and get a lot of attention on the Internet because of it, and that shows initiative, I think.

Or do I?

I think if you get breast implants, don't complain that no one takes you seriously as an actress. I think breast implants are just awful, and the last thing I would ever do is recommend that someone seriously think about getting them to give their career a boost.

Perhaps I should reconsider this opinion and give the matter more thought.

Or should I?

The last thing I want to do is sit around and watch ridiculous fake boobies in tight shirts on TV all day until my eyes burn and crack with redness and my brain turns to mush, and I can't find another scrap of deep-fried imitation chicken skin at the bottom of the bucket of KFC popcorn chicken.

Or is that exactly what I want to do? It is! From now on, that's what I'm doing, and I think you should follow my lead.