I Can't Seem To Make My Apartment A Safe Space For Women

In This Section

Vol 35 Issue 47

Woman On TV Engulfed In Animated Credit-Card Bills

BRISTOL, TN—Officials from United Home Lenders were summoned Monday to the aid of homeowner Tanya Irving, who was sighted at 3:12 a.m. straining under the weight of cartoonish, video-animated bills with scowling faces. "We were notified that the woman's home was overrun by bills, bills, bills," said UHL president Aaron Tompkins. "Naturally, being decent people, we wanted to help." Tompkins said that Irving may even qualify for some extra cash for a vacation or home repair.

Book Given As Gift Actually Read

LONG BEACH, CA—The nation's publishing industry was rocked by Monday's news that a book given as a holiday gift was actually read and enjoyed by its recipient. According to reports, Long Beach schoolteacher Gavin Wallace completed James Gleick's Genius: The Life And Science Of Richard Feynman, a present from his cousin. "I was very interested in Dr. Feynman, after having seen a TV show on him last month," Wallace told reporters. "So, having some time to myself over the holidays, I read the book, which I enjoyed thoroughly." Wallace previously made headlines for his December 1996 consumption of the entire contents of a Hickory Farms gift basket.

Couple Always Like This

QUINCY, MA—Longtime couple Scott Pfaff and Lisa Baumgartner have pretty much always been like this, sources close to the pair revealed Monday. "This is definitely no news-flash," said mutual friend Stacie Pritkin, who recently hosted a holiday party during which the pair was at it as usual. "You hang out with those two, you learn to expect that sort of stuff." Said Pfaff's friend Marc Dohn: "I was at the mall with them once when they started getting like that—right in Radio Shack."

New Jersey Supreme Court Rules The Bastard Had It Coming

TRENTON, NJ—By a 6-1 decision Monday, the New Jersey Supreme Court overturned the murder conviction of Secaucus auto mechanic Joseph Delavecchia, ruling that the bastard he deep-sixed had it coming. "Why would you try something like that with another man's wife?" wrote Judge Frank Mancuso in his majority opinion. "I tell ya, [dead bastard] Vince[nt Pitti] got off lucky, getting knocked off so quick. I seen guys get a lot worse than two slugs to the gut for the kind of stunt he pulled." The bastard's family has vowed to appeal the decision, saying they are prepared to take it all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court if necessary, pally.

Beautiful Nurse Gives Teen Enema

HUNTINGTON, WV—A routine stay at Huntington General Hospital turned humiliating Monday, when Bradley Fiddich, 17, received an enema from shapely, smooth-skinned nurse Stephanie Goodwin, 22. "Oh, my God, I want to kill myself," said Fiddich following his degrading encounter with the attractive, single Goodwin, who rolled him over and inserted an enema tube into his anus, draining the contents of his colon. "I can never look at another girl as long as I live." Fiddich noted with alarm that while conversing with Goodwin, he learned that the nurse's younger sister is in his science class.

Energetic Self-Starter Instantly Despised By Co-Workers

CHARLOTTE, NC—Timothy Benson, 27, a self-described "fast learner and motivated self-starter," showed up for his first day of work at Williams & Broderick Accounting "bright-eyed and bushy-tailed" Monday, instantly earning him the undying hatred of his new co-workers.

Another Lousy Christ-mas

How appropriate, during the season in which we celebrate the glorious nativity of our Holy Savior the Christ-Child, that I found my-self the proud papa of my own sweet little son! Giddy over the blessed arrival of N. Aeschylus, I vowed that the Zweibel clan's annual Christ-mas pageant and talent exhibition would be especially lavish. I instructed my man-servant Standish to assemble the finest entertainment in the Republic and to set up the old Nativity scene props. It would truly be a Yule to remember!

Homelessness Crackdown

In addition to New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's controversial order for arrests of the homeless, many city officials are passing legislation to address the growing problem of homelessness. What do you think about these so-called anti-homelessness laws?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Partying

Spring

I Can't Seem To Make My Apartment A Safe Space For Women

Like many single guys these days, I'm rather proud of my apartment. It's in a decent building, the furniture's tasteful, and I keep it nice and clean. All in all, it's a real nice place, and I spend a good deal of time keeping it that way. But if there's one area in which I've failed, it's in making my apartment a safe space for women.

I've tried, mind you. Believe me, I want women to feel comfortable when I bring them here. I play soft music, I have some rather nice houseplants and wall tapestries, I make them soothing tea. I even read from the many poetry anthologies lining the bookshelves. I do everything I can to make it a nurturing, woman-safe space. But then, just when I think I've got it down, another woman somehow winds up finding her safety compromised.

You'd think that after everything I've done to create a supportive, non-hostile environment, women would be safe here, but that simply isn't the case. Oh, it's not as bad as when I first moved in a couple years ago. It definitely wasn't a safe space for women back then, let me tell you. If you know where to look and what to look for, you can still see the signs. There were a few times that women felt so unsafe, they insisted on leaving right away, and I almost had to force them to stay. I can even remember one comely young co-ed who got so uncomfortable, she tried to force her way out.

I don't remember what happened after that.

The problem can't be the neighborhood. My apartment's in a good part of town: reasonably close to shops, right between two nursing colleges, and a five-minute van ride from the deep section of the river. And, like I said, the interior's totally redone. I've got a nice collection of Native American pottery, some cozy floor rugs and plenty of world-music CDs. What could possibly be more woman-safe than that? It's perfect! At least, so I thought until I tripped over that waitress in the shower one morning.

So, obviously, there's still a lot to do. I suspect that my chin-up bar could be contributing to a phallocentric and possibly misogynist environment. And I wouldn't want a woman to spend too much time in the trophy room—women don't like taxidermy. Furthermore, the makeshift workshop in the bathroom could be "othering," as could the giant strap-on six-D-battery razorcock above the fireplace. And it can get pretty awkward explaining why, once inside my place, you need a key to get back out. These things are all on my to-do list.

Okay, so my apartment is still a work in progress. But when I'm done, I want any woman, no matter how big a lying, betraying, filthy whore, to feel safe here. I think I have a good idea of what still needs to be done. I have pretty strong feminine instinct, probably because Mother dressed me up like a little girl until I was 14. Perhaps I'm not as good of a listener as I could be when women are trying to express their emotional and survival needs. It's just a matter of being sensitive and trying to understand what they're saying—even when they've lost their tongues. With their help, I just know I can make this a safe space for women.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More