Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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I Certainly Wouldn't Consider This Biotron Micronaut To Be In Near-Mint Condition

As a longtime collector of all things Micronaut, I have seen a great many things. From the ultra-rare C-10 chromium Antron figure to the complete 579-piece Micropolis Megacity, new in the box, few items have escaped my experienced Microgaze. I own at least one of every figure made, from Acroyear to Warp Racer, and my apartment has gained renown as the Galactic Command Center (Series II) of the Collector's Microverse. I have spent more than half of my 42 Earth years in the interchangeable world of the Micronauts, and you can trust me when I tell you this: That Biotron you're trying to sell me is hardly in near-mint condition.

Ah, Micronauts. First and most puissant of microscopic cyborgs. And among their kind, none is mightier or more valued by the clear-eyed Microfan—with the possible exception of their centaur-transformable leader-cum-champion Force Commander—than the chivalrous Biotron. Though the Battle Cruiser may have more sheer firepower, and a still-packaged Ampzilla may bring close to $1,000 at the table of a MicroCon '99 dealer, Biotron is the true heart and soul of the Micronauts. If a man could only own—heaven forfend!—one Micronaut, it would have to be a mint to near-mint Biotron.

Which your Biotron, dear fellow, is certainly not. To be near-mint, Biotron must show few signs of wear and tear. His head chrome must be clear and unscratched. His fully operational twin-dorsal tank-treads must be of well-kept, supple rubber. His motorized walking motion must be the smooth, confident stride of a robot whose battery-operated motor has been used only sparingly. And the grip of his spring-loaded hands must be sure and firm, not the feeble grip of a man-machine who has been used for emergency Barbie transport in some twisted alternate-playroom reality. I can say with full confidence, my friend, that the Biotron you have seen fit to offer me, for the princely sum of $45, is no such paragon.

No self-respecting Giant Acroyear would allow himself to be laser-blasted by the shoddy thing you have put up for sale. Forget for a moment this Biotron's spavined armor, its faded paint, its dust-choked connector ports. Let us disregard, for the time being, even the yellow Lego piece that has been jammed into its plastic cockpit, not to mention the sticky adhesive residue covering Biotron's lordly exterior that indicates he was once festooned with stickers. Yes, even these sorry sights are nothing compared to the loose motorized left-arm socket, the corrosion in the C-battery compartment, and—I can hardly believe my eyes—the teeth marks on his right leg and rubber treads! Not even Biotron's direst enemy, the evil Baron Karza, would dare take such liberties with the Microverse's most heroic sentinel. It's almost as if some careless, unthinking person allowed this toy to fall into the hands of a small child.

Still, this disgraced, once-proud warrior may have one last service to render. I may be able to use his torso, head and right arm in the construction of a Micronaut diorama, perhaps titled The Fall Of Biotron. Yes, I believe I have a stepped-on Crater Cruncher, a glow-in-the-dark Pharoid breastplate, and half an Ultronic Scooter that could also be made to serve. Yes, that could be rather interesting.

Hmm... Given these considerations, I suppose I could be persuaded to help you out. Tell you what—I'll give you $20 for it. Or $15 and some X-rated manga, your choice.


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