I Couldn't Possibly Accept Your Offer Of Basic Cable Plus Showtime For Just $33 Per Month

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Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

TV Show Under Fire For Depicting Murder

LOS ANGELES—In what is being described as perhaps the most shocking and distasteful moment in broadcast history, the popular primetime television show Criminal Minds is facing heavy criticism today for airing an episode that depicted the act ...
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  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

I Couldn't Possibly Accept Your Offer Of Basic Cable Plus Showtime For Just $33 Per Month

Let me start by saying that I am flattered by this gesture. We barely know each other, and you come to me with this—well, there's no other word for it—generous offer. $33 for more than 200 channels, plus free Showtime for one year? What have I done to deserve such an enormous gesture of magnanimity? As far as I can see, the only qualifications I have as a cable subscriber are having a residence and a cable outlet.

 Whoo! I feel dizzy. Let me gather my wits here. This must be what it feels like to win an Oscar. All this for me? It's not like I'm the president of a major corporation or anything. I just work as a teller at a bank. Perhaps you've made a mistake, and you think I'm some other Julian Lam. I mean, at least consider raising my rates after the first year. Please. It would make me feel a lot better.

 Twelve months of free Showtime. Holy cow. Just stop and think for a second—that's a full year of quality Hollywood blockbusters and daring original series like Weeds. In fact, you know what? It's too much. Let me throw in an extra $10 a month for the Showtime. I absolutely insist. I'm still getting the bargain of a lifetime, but I won't be taking advantage of you. I couldn't live with myself if I did.

 Wait, back up: This isn't the old-fashioned analog cable? If I'm reading this promotional flyer correctly, you're offering me state-of-the-art digital broadcasting. Now, come on! Look, tell you what—why don't you come down to my bank tomorrow, and I'll hook you up with a free checking account or something, because this is too much. With the digital-quality reception you're offering, how can you possibly break even on this deal? That stuff is done with computers, and I know those aren't cheap. Next thing you're going to tell me, this includes some high-definition channels, and for only $5 more a month, I can get an HD-DVR.

 At least have the wherewithal to charge some sort of penalty, like a cancellation fee, to those customers who welch on this great deal, because surely that will happen. You need to protect yourself somehow. How about this—if I sign on for this cable package, I'll cover any taxes or hidden surcharges. I don't know what they would be offhand, but I'd assume there would be something like a franchise fee and an FCC regulatory fee and a line charge. $10 to $15 extra? No sweat.

 Oh, okay. I didn't realize a converter box is involved here. How much does that cost? Probably $500, right? No? What? You're throwing that in there too? No equipment purchases necessary? You are being far, far too kind. Don't you have employees to pay, a family to feed?

 Perhaps you should give it to someone who deserves it. I've had plenty of breaks, believe me. I got the first two months of my gym membership for only $19.99, and once I got a year subscription to Time for more than 50 percent off the cover price. There's got to be someone out there who's down on his luck and could use a deal like this.

 Forget the year thing I mentioned earlier—raise my rates in six months. You can't run a global communications empire this way.

 No, stop. Don't even bring up free installation. I live on the fourth floor of my building, and it's dangerous to climb up there with power tools. Let me do it. I know my way around a drill, and I used to paint houses in college. Just give me the instructions and I can do the job. All right, but if you're going to do it, take your time—let me wait at home all day so your installer doesn't put himself out.

 Hold on. This includes The Movie Channel too? This is getting downright foolish. Sirs, were you not part of a giant corporate merger a couple years back? Surely you have creditors at the door. What would your shareholders say? I sincerely hope you won't offer, even for a limited time, home phone service free on your state-of-the-art advanced fiber-optic  network for the first three months and—

My God.

You must have the wrong idea. Look, I thank you for your offer, really, but I am in actuality doing quite well for myself, and I refuse to be treated as a pity case. The only way I will even consider this is if you guarantee frequent outages, poor customer service, and a contract that I couldn't get out of even with the best lawyers in the world. I await your response.

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