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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

I Couldn't Possibly Accept Your Offer Of Basic Cable Plus Showtime For Just $33 Per Month

Let me start by saying that I am flattered by this gesture. We barely know each other, and you come to me with this—well, there's no other word for it—generous offer. $33 for more than 200 channels, plus free Showtime for one year? What have I done to deserve such an enormous gesture of magnanimity? As far as I can see, the only qualifications I have as a cable subscriber are having a residence and a cable outlet.

 Whoo! I feel dizzy. Let me gather my wits here. This must be what it feels like to win an Oscar. All this for me? It's not like I'm the president of a major corporation or anything. I just work as a teller at a bank. Perhaps you've made a mistake, and you think I'm some other Julian Lam. I mean, at least consider raising my rates after the first year. Please. It would make me feel a lot better.

 Twelve months of free Showtime. Holy cow. Just stop and think for a second—that's a full year of quality Hollywood blockbusters and daring original series like Weeds. In fact, you know what? It's too much. Let me throw in an extra $10 a month for the Showtime. I absolutely insist. I'm still getting the bargain of a lifetime, but I won't be taking advantage of you. I couldn't live with myself if I did.

 Wait, back up: This isn't the old-fashioned analog cable? If I'm reading this promotional flyer correctly, you're offering me state-of-the-art digital broadcasting. Now, come on! Look, tell you what—why don't you come down to my bank tomorrow, and I'll hook you up with a free checking account or something, because this is too much. With the digital-quality reception you're offering, how can you possibly break even on this deal? That stuff is done with computers, and I know those aren't cheap. Next thing you're going to tell me, this includes some high-definition channels, and for only $5 more a month, I can get an HD-DVR.

 At least have the wherewithal to charge some sort of penalty, like a cancellation fee, to those customers who welch on this great deal, because surely that will happen. You need to protect yourself somehow. How about this—if I sign on for this cable package, I'll cover any taxes or hidden surcharges. I don't know what they would be offhand, but I'd assume there would be something like a franchise fee and an FCC regulatory fee and a line charge. $10 to $15 extra? No sweat.

 Oh, okay. I didn't realize a converter box is involved here. How much does that cost? Probably $500, right? No? What? You're throwing that in there too? No equipment purchases necessary? You are being far, far too kind. Don't you have employees to pay, a family to feed?

 Perhaps you should give it to someone who deserves it. I've had plenty of breaks, believe me. I got the first two months of my gym membership for only $19.99, and once I got a year subscription to Time for more than 50 percent off the cover price. There's got to be someone out there who's down on his luck and could use a deal like this.

 Forget the year thing I mentioned earlier—raise my rates in six months. You can't run a global communications empire this way.

 No, stop. Don't even bring up free installation. I live on the fourth floor of my building, and it's dangerous to climb up there with power tools. Let me do it. I know my way around a drill, and I used to paint houses in college. Just give me the instructions and I can do the job. All right, but if you're going to do it, take your time—let me wait at home all day so your installer doesn't put himself out.

 Hold on. This includes The Movie Channel too? This is getting downright foolish. Sirs, were you not part of a giant corporate merger a couple years back? Surely you have creditors at the door. What would your shareholders say? I sincerely hope you won't offer, even for a limited time, home phone service free on your state-of-the-art advanced fiber-optic  network for the first three months and—

My God.

You must have the wrong idea. Look, I thank you for your offer, really, but I am in actuality doing quite well for myself, and I refuse to be treated as a pity case. The only way I will even consider this is if you guarantee frequent outages, poor customer service, and a contract that I couldn't get out of even with the best lawyers in the world. I await your response.

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