adBlockCheck

I Desperately Need Bone Marrow

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Desperately Need Bone Marrow

Won't you please help me?

I have a rare disease that doctors say is incurable. It's called Aphertoid Rhevatitis, and it attacks the bone marrow and hollows out my bones like a medfly devouring a cantaloupe. Aphertoid Rhevatitis makes me extremely lethargic, and sometimes I lie in my bed for weeks at a time, staring at the ceiling fan in my sparsely decorated hospice room, with roaches nipping at my bedsores.

It also causes my heart to arrest at inopportune moments, like when I'm trying to lift my infant son to give him a hug. My physician says I've only got about three months to live unless some brave soul offers to donate some of his or her precious bone marrow to me.

Won't you please give me your marrow?

Oh, who am I kidding? The jig is up. I don't have an infant son, and I'm not in a hospice. There's no such thing as Aphertoid Rhevatitis. I'm healthy as a bull ox. I just love bone marrow. Doesn't matter where it comes from—humans, monkeys, penguins, salamanders, turtle doves, or even the exotic giant panda. To me, bone marrow is Number One.

My love of bone marrow started when I worked as a lab technician in the leukemia ward at the local hospital. I was enjoying a lunch of clam chowder and crackers when I pulled a fresh sourdough baguette out of my satchel. I soon realized I hadn't brought any butter. Woe to the man who's forced to eat bread dry and plain! I searched frantically for some sort of spread—jelly, deviled ham, Nutella, anything! Crazed with hunger, I reached into the lab refrigeration storage unit and grabbed a random vial. In my state, I would've put just about anything on that bread—blood, semen, even earwax, but as luck would have it, the vial was full of bone marrow.

The marrow went on the bread smoothly, like chunky peanut butter. As a medical professional, I tend to frown on cannibalism, but when I bit into that marrow-coated bread, all bets were off. The taste was heavenly, like a subtle mixture of persimmons, guava and Alaskan king crab.

I was hooked, but how could I continue to enjoy this delicacy and keep my job? I decided to take only small amounts, a little at a time from each vial. I soon discovered that different marrow from different people provides different taste sensations. Bone marrow from children tends to have a fruitier, sweeter taste, while the marrow of the elderly is delightfully aged and musky. My fridge at home, now brimming with bone marrow samples, contained exotic flavors as vast as the sundae bar at Red Barn.

It wasn't long before the hospital administrators got wise to the dwindling bone-marrow supply. I had to lay low, so I killed a few neighborhood dogs to get my marrow fix. Their marrow was thinner and easier to spread than the human kind, but no less delicious.

Soon the police were knocking at my door, suspicious of the rotting dog carcasses piled by my dumpster. They searched my refrigerator and confiscated the precious ambrosia I had so diligently collected. Then they hauled me off to the pokey.

Now I'm locked in a cell with no access to marrow. I've tried chewing my arm off to get at my own marrow, but the guards here have strapped down my arms and capped my teeth with pencil erasers.

Won't you take pity on me? You probably have something in your life that you love. Maybe it's a nice new shirt, or a favorite game, or even a beloved grandparent. Wouldn't you feel sad if that thing were taken away from you forever? I may not be able to procure marrow in my own ways, but the law protects my right to ask you for the bone marrow I crave.

Have you thought about donating before, but been too busy? Do you know anyone who's depressed or suicidal who might be willing to give up their marrow after they've done themselves in? Or do you have any pets or relatives you don't love anymore? For God's sake, look into your hearts and bones and send me some goddamned marrow. Now!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close