I Despise Our Local Weather Coverage

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Vol 30 Issue 07

Hero Firefighter: 'I'm A Hero'

MIDLAND, TX—Local firefighter Brent Koonce, who saved an infant trapped at the bottom of a 40-foot well Monday, is being roundly hailed by himself as a hero. "What I did was incredibly brave," said Koonce, who descended all the way down the three-foot-wide well to recover eight-month-old Midland resident Melissa Sims. "In selflessly risking my own life to rescue little Melissa, I am an inspiration to those around me and proof that heroes do exist." Koonce noted that once the girl was recovered, he performed rescue breathing on her, reviving her from a semi-unconscious state. "I saved this child," he said. "I am Yahweh, giver of Life."

Infomercial Host Skeptical At First, Then Delighted By Product

LOS ANGELES—After several minutes of heavy skepticism, television star and compensated product endorser Tom Wopat was won over by the DeFroster 2000, a revolutionary new device that defrosts frozen foods in literally seconds. "It's impossible," a disbelieving Wopat said after hearing about the remarkable product, available through an exclusive television offer for $24.99. "Why, this steak is frozen solid." Moments later, Wopat broke out in astonished laughter as the DeFroster 2000 proved him wrong. Wopat added that he is available for work.

Singer Cites Girlfriend As Reason He Lives, Dies, Breaks Down, Cries

NASHVILLE, TN—According to a song recently recorded by aspiring country singer Colin Barnett, longtime girlfriend Lori Sue Jennings is the reason he lives, dies, breaks down and cries. "Ooh... Lori Sue...," the song stated, "you're the reason I live, you're the reason I die, you're the reason that each night I fall and break down and cry." Reportedly, in addition to reducing Barnett to tears, Jennings is the woman without whom there is no him. It is widely believed that Jennings has such a tremendous effect on Barnett because she is all he's got in this world.

I Have Not Eaten Since 1978

What does food taste like? I cannot remember. This is because in 1978, my stomach and most of my small intestine had to be removed. All of my nourishment comes from intravenous tubes and subcutaneous injections.

The Great Wal-Mart of China

Wal-Mart recently opened its first store in China, bringing its wide selection and everyday low prices to a virtually untapped new market of more than one billion. What do you think about this American retail giant's invasion of the Far East?

How We Made It Through The Great Recession

The year was 1987, a time I'll never forget. The country was in the grips of the Great Recession, the worst economic crisis my generation had ever known. In October of that year, the bottom fell out of the market, tumbling a record 508 points in a single day. Back then I was green as hell, working with discretionary accounts at Tanner & Reamish with little more to show for myself than an office overlooking Wall Street and a few hundred thou in convertible securities. But I found out real quick what life was like back in '87.
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I Despise Our Local Weather Coverage

I can no longer tolerate our local weather coverage. I turn on the Channel 7 news at 5, and for the first 20 minutes I get wonderful, beaming smiles and perfect hairdos on news anchors who banter back and forth amidst features that stress the hominess of our ABC affiliate. Some nights I'm so touched by the KidCares feature that I break down and cry in my TV dinner. I just can't get enough of those anchors!

But then, when it's time for the weather with Channel 7 meteorologist Roger Forrest, it's a one-way ticket to Dullsville. It's all weather, weather, weather and zero personality.

Everyone besides Roger gets along like one big happy family. But that weatherman sticks out like a sore thumb! Vicki in the local news chair always asks Mark, her co-anchor, about his new daughter, Kimberly. It's a shame they don't have more time in their busy lives to catch up on each other's personal lives while off-camera, but I know they are very busy. (Vicki is a caring mother of two, dealing with the issues of a working woman, and also enjoys the outdoors and community choral concerts.) Greg, the sports anchor, is also very concerned with his fellow newscasters, and often teases Mark—good-naturedly, of course—when Mark's favorite teams lose.

But when Greg is through with sports, and he turns to Roger Forrest, Channel 7 meteorologist, with a chipper, "Did ya get out in that sun today?" Roger never even answers him. He just launches into his weather forecast. Why, I never find out what Roger did that day! He rarely even comments to Greg about the sports he just announced, and he speaks with that creepy voice that doesn't sharply rise and fall or pause dramatically. It sounds just like you or me talking. And you know, Roger's smile just doesn't seem as wide or as bright as the others. He really should try a whitening toothpaste and just a dab of Vaseline on the front teeth.

I called the Channel 7 "We Care Line" (7-WE-CARE) to give some feedback on the weather portion of the show, such as my recommendation of the toothpaste and some bright geometric patterned ties like the other anchors wear, but Roger never called me back. If he truly cared what I think, like the ad for the "We Care Line" said they all do, he would have called.

Even the Channel 7 song says how much my ABC affiliate cares about me: "Channel 7 is there for you, Channel 7 cares—the news is you!" It's very reassuring to know that my news station isn't some faceless company that's just after advertising dollars. Channel 7 really cares about the community! You can tell by watching Thursday's Special Neighbors features.

While everyone else at Channel 7 is working hard saving animals from the pound and lauding elderly thimble collectors and videotaping retarded people playing softball, Roger is just talking about barometric pressure. Where's the human kindness in that? Where are the viewer snapshot contests?

That weatherman makes me downright nervous. All the other news segment displays have cursive lettering in calming pastel colors, but the weather has harsh, plain typeset. Willard Scott always wishes people a happy birthday, but did Roger Forrest do the same for me? Fat chance!

I don't want to have to do this, but if this keeps up, I may switch over to Channel 5's weather report. NBC's Walt Fields may not have the latest Accu-Weather Doppler radar technology at his fingertips like Roger does, but at least he knows what a smile is!

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