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I Didn't Become A Millionaire By Overtipping

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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I Didn't Become A Millionaire By Overtipping

You see these hands? These hands have shaken the ruby and emerald-bejeweled hands of the Grand Sheik Emir of Omar Al Habib El Sababa! Now, you think that any time some uneducated, unmarried, trailer-trash waitress with four kids and another one on the way carries a couple of plates back and forth from my table, I'm suddenly supposed to start throwing my hard-earned dollar bills around like they're confetti? I'm afraid not! I didn't become a millionaire by overtipping, you know.

I suppose you think that throwing away money is the way I acquired a major tile manufacturing business and 17 supermarkets in Pennsylvania, Delaware and Ohio? Not on your sweet life, I didn't! I own those things because once I got them I didn't give them away. That's why I own them! Who do I look like to you, Robin Hood? One of Santa's elfin pals? Mother Theresa? Forget about it!

You see this suit? Expensive? Custom-made! Do you have any idea how many assets I have in my bankbook? Of course you don't, you entry-level, semi-literate, go-nowhere lowlife, because that figure is privileged information. People like you aren't worthy enough to scrub the floors of people like me, much less know how much I make in a year. You couldn't even access the people who take the phone calls of the people who actually do know that exact figure!

How much do I own? Well, let me assure you that it is indeed a tidy sum. A handsome figure. A generous stipend, indeed! And how do you think my bank account got to be so obscenely large? By giving 15 percent of my dinner bill away to common doggerel every time I conducted a business transaction over a plate of chicken and peas? The Good Lord in Heaven Himself only asks for 10 percent. Not that I'm giving 10 percent to the Lord either, no sir. Hell, most investments don't even turn a 10 percent profit! Fifteen! The very idea!

Sit down. I'm not finished. They say you have to spend money to make money, right? Not on your your sweet life! You have to make money to make money! Want to know what spending money gets you? I'll tell you: less money! What the hell do you think a man like me, a man who has been wined and dined by the Archduke of Belgravia, is doing ordering Moons Over My Hammy in some cheap, third-rate Denny's, anyway? I'll tell you: Because cheap food costs less, that's why! And spending less leaves you with more money than spending more does! Sweet Christ! It's not exactly rocket science, dummy!

They say you can't take it with you? Wrong! I can take it with me, all right. Let's see now, 15 percent of this $6.42 lunch bill is 96 cents. Here's three quarters, two dimes and a penny. Watch carefully now, because here's the important part: I'm putting that 96 cents in my pocket, and I'm taking it with me! Right out the door!

Consider yourself lucky, friend, because you just got a lesson in life worth more than gold!

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