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I Didn't Become A Millionaire By Overtipping

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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I Didn't Become A Millionaire By Overtipping

You see these hands? These hands have shaken the ruby and emerald-bejeweled hands of the Grand Sheik Emir of Omar Al Habib El Sababa! Now, you think that any time some uneducated, unmarried, trailer-trash waitress with four kids and another one on the way carries a couple of plates back and forth from my table, I'm suddenly supposed to start throwing my hard-earned dollar bills around like they're confetti? I'm afraid not! I didn't become a millionaire by overtipping, you know.

I suppose you think that throwing away money is the way I acquired a major tile manufacturing business and 17 supermarkets in Pennsylvania, Delaware and Ohio? Not on your sweet life, I didn't! I own those things because once I got them I didn't give them away. That's why I own them! Who do I look like to you, Robin Hood? One of Santa's elfin pals? Mother Theresa? Forget about it!

You see this suit? Expensive? Custom-made! Do you have any idea how many assets I have in my bankbook? Of course you don't, you entry-level, semi-literate, go-nowhere lowlife, because that figure is privileged information. People like you aren't worthy enough to scrub the floors of people like me, much less know how much I make in a year. You couldn't even access the people who take the phone calls of the people who actually do know that exact figure!

How much do I own? Well, let me assure you that it is indeed a tidy sum. A handsome figure. A generous stipend, indeed! And how do you think my bank account got to be so obscenely large? By giving 15 percent of my dinner bill away to common doggerel every time I conducted a business transaction over a plate of chicken and peas? The Good Lord in Heaven Himself only asks for 10 percent. Not that I'm giving 10 percent to the Lord either, no sir. Hell, most investments don't even turn a 10 percent profit! Fifteen! The very idea!

Sit down. I'm not finished. They say you have to spend money to make money, right? Not on your your sweet life! You have to make money to make money! Want to know what spending money gets you? I'll tell you: less money! What the hell do you think a man like me, a man who has been wined and dined by the Archduke of Belgravia, is doing ordering Moons Over My Hammy in some cheap, third-rate Denny's, anyway? I'll tell you: Because cheap food costs less, that's why! And spending less leaves you with more money than spending more does! Sweet Christ! It's not exactly rocket science, dummy!

They say you can't take it with you? Wrong! I can take it with me, all right. Let's see now, 15 percent of this $6.42 lunch bill is 96 cents. Here's three quarters, two dimes and a penny. Watch carefully now, because here's the important part: I'm putting that 96 cents in my pocket, and I'm taking it with me! Right out the door!

Consider yourself lucky, friend, because you just got a lesson in life worth more than gold!

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