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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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I Didn't Become A Millionaire By Overtipping

You see these hands? These hands have shaken the ruby and emerald-bejeweled hands of the Grand Sheik Emir of Omar Al Habib El Sababa! Now, you think that any time some uneducated, unmarried, trailer-trash waitress with four kids and another one on the way carries a couple of plates back and forth from my table, I'm suddenly supposed to start throwing my hard-earned dollar bills around like they're confetti? I'm afraid not! I didn't become a millionaire by overtipping, you know.

I suppose you think that throwing away money is the way I acquired a major tile manufacturing business and 17 supermarkets in Pennsylvania, Delaware and Ohio? Not on your sweet life, I didn't! I own those things because once I got them I didn't give them away. That's why I own them! Who do I look like to you, Robin Hood? One of Santa's elfin pals? Mother Theresa? Forget about it!

You see this suit? Expensive? Custom-made! Do you have any idea how many assets I have in my bankbook? Of course you don't, you entry-level, semi-literate, go-nowhere lowlife, because that figure is privileged information. People like you aren't worthy enough to scrub the floors of people like me, much less know how much I make in a year. You couldn't even access the people who take the phone calls of the people who actually do know that exact figure!

How much do I own? Well, let me assure you that it is indeed a tidy sum. A handsome figure. A generous stipend, indeed! And how do you think my bank account got to be so obscenely large? By giving 15 percent of my dinner bill away to common doggerel every time I conducted a business transaction over a plate of chicken and peas? The Good Lord in Heaven Himself only asks for 10 percent. Not that I'm giving 10 percent to the Lord either, no sir. Hell, most investments don't even turn a 10 percent profit! Fifteen! The very idea!

Sit down. I'm not finished. They say you have to spend money to make money, right? Not on your your sweet life! You have to make money to make money! Want to know what spending money gets you? I'll tell you: less money! What the hell do you think a man like me, a man who has been wined and dined by the Archduke of Belgravia, is doing ordering Moons Over My Hammy in some cheap, third-rate Denny's, anyway? I'll tell you: Because cheap food costs less, that's why! And spending less leaves you with more money than spending more does! Sweet Christ! It's not exactly rocket science, dummy!

They say you can't take it with you? Wrong! I can take it with me, all right. Let's see now, 15 percent of this $6.42 lunch bill is 96 cents. Here's three quarters, two dimes and a penny. Watch carefully now, because here's the important part: I'm putting that 96 cents in my pocket, and I'm taking it with me! Right out the door!

Consider yourself lucky, friend, because you just got a lesson in life worth more than gold!

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