adBlockCheck

I Didn't Install This Two-Way Motel-Room Mirror To Watch People Commit Suicide

Top Headlines

Business

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

I Didn't Install This Two-Way Motel-Room Mirror To Watch People Commit Suicide

I don't get it. Is today's society that joyless? What happened to the days when a man and a woman, or even better, a woman and a woman, came to a small motel in a tiny town off the interstate, requested an room with an hourly rate, signed in under obviously fake names, paid cash, and enjoyed some possibly illicit but vigorous and consensual sex? Please don't tell me that all ended in the '70s. Please tell me there are still swingers out there who love life and aren't afraid to have a little fun once in a while. Please. Because things have not been going the way I'd planned since I installed this new two-way mirror. Not at all.

As a motel manager, you see a lot of things. But 11 suicides in six months? It's getting to the point where I'm too freaked out to unzip my pants. Don't these people know they're being watched? What, the mirror built into the wall—built into the wall, not hanging off it—opposite the bed is just there to make sure they can check out their teeth at any hour, day or night? I didn't go through all this trouble to watch you shed this mortal coil with a 12-gauge shotgun.

I'll tell you what I think: People need to cut this heavy-handed crap and get over themselves. If only they could join me in the broom closet adjoining their room and look at themselves, maybe they'd acquire some much-needed perspective about their place in this world. And maybe they'd start using motels for what they're meant for: ménage-à-trois, raging cocaine parties, and full-body lube jobs, with all the perks, given by a Laotian teenager.

And, by the way, are women business travelers now too jaded to take long, private baths in our surprisingly roomy tubs, slowly dry themselves with downy soft towels, and then retire to their comfortable queen-size beds to pleasure themselves gently? No, it's all "I can't live like this" scrawled on our complimentary stationery, and the bathtub becomes a catch-all basin for the gore that ribbons out of their slashed wrists. These gals don't even bother to undress—they're that far gone.

I guess I should be thankful that there's only been one double-suicide. Though, actually, that was one of the few highlights. They were very young, and that girl was stacked like a Penthouse Pet. I thought my luck had finally turned around when they stripped down completely. I was feeling okay when they downed those pills, took each other's hands, and lay down on the bed. It's silly, but even after the shaking and vomiting began, I was still kind of holding out hope. But when it became clear that the beast with two backs wasn't going to be putting in an appearance, I quietly walked back to the front desk and called 911.

Which reminds me, I should probably let someone else discover the bodies once in a while.

And another thing, I'm sorry I ever got Tami involved in all this. She's a real pest sometimes, but she has a steady enough clientele, which is a lifesaver on slow nights, and it's better than having her cadging free drinks at the bar and scaring off respectable customers. But, Christ, the guy did say he was tired of being alone. Harmless enough, right? So I gave her a key and got situated. Next thing I know, his brains all over her little pink get-up. Thanks for the memories, pal.

What kind of life is this, anyway? Huddled like a rat among the buckets and brooms and ammonia bottles, only to be robbed of the dignity of a decent climax because Mr. and Mrs. Woe-Is-Me had to off themselves in my "honeymoon" suite.

You can call me a hopeless romantic, but I'd like to think I have the heart—and stomach—to keep following my dream. But as much as it pains me to say it the truth is, I've got half a mind to quit spying on my guests altogether and just head on down to that strip club out by the sporting-goods store. That place is a real breath of fresh air.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close