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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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I Dislike My New Nurse

Some time ago, my nurse, a custard-witted dullard with whom I had been long displeased, did me the injustice of aiding and abetting my despised arch-nemesis, Black Scarlet. As she rode off with him into the hills, it dawned on me that, for the first time in decades, I was without a nurse. And with my colostomy bag virtually overflowing, too! With her departure, who would now care for me?

My manservant Standish stepped in, but he proved too delicate for the job. Though taciturn and stoic as always, he was not accustomed to having yellowish fecal matter sprayed across his livery.

He was replaced by a capuchin monkey, and when I first laid eyes on it, I screamed like a lady. My son, V. Lucius, whose lame-brained idea it was to introduce the hairy abomination, said it had been specially trained to assist invalids. But the thing leaped about my bedchamber like a headless cricket, knocking over my armoire and my iron lung in a deafening crash. Then, eyes glowing like coals, he sprang on my bed, and as I shivered in fright, he flung off my bedclothes, lifted up my night-gown, and dumped an entire can of talc on my bedsore-laden bottom. It took four men to subdue the primate, and peace was not restored for several hours.

It was then decided that V. Lucius' physical trainer, Gus, would take on the duty of nursing me. Gus is one of those newfangled fitness proponents who believes that the maladies of old age are merely fanciful constructs of the mind which can be overcome with a hardy regimen of calisthenics. Let me say that I swiftly came to dislike my new nurse.

He rouses me from my slumber before the cock's crow, and promptly gives me a rub-down, slathering me head-to-toe with a stinking liniment that sets my skin aflame. Oblivious to my screams, Gus then dresses me in a sort of athletic union-suit, wheels me into the frigid morning air, and commences hurling a medicine-ball against my frail body. I can barely stay conscious as the ball strikes me repeatedly with the force of a cannon-shot; Gus yells at me to catch the ball, but how can I when most of my forearms have been eaten away by the leprosy? Can't this mad-man see that I am so old I'm almost transparent? How I dislike my new nurse!

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