I Do Not Trust My Man-Servant

In This Section

Vol 35 Issue 27

Craig Kilborn Weds Self In Private Ceremony

CARMEL, CA—In a small, private ceremony he described as "deeply moving," CBS late-night talk-show host Craig Kilborn married his love of 36 years Sunday. "With all my heart and soul, I pledge myself forever to thee," Kilborn said into a mirror during the exchange of vows. "So long as you live, you shall be cherished by me above all others." Kilborn then thanked his guests and departed for his honeymoon, boarding a private helicopter to Catalina Island, where he will spend five secluded nights masturbating.

Planet Explodes

EARTH—All Earth lifeforms are feared dead in Monday's explosion of the four-billion-year-old planet, sources report. "We are still searching through the rubble for any signs of life which may be present," said American Red Cross volunteer Patricia O'Donnell. "But we stress that the hope of retrieving survivors is quite slim." A research mishap at Long Island's Brookhaven National Laboratories is believed responsible for the catastrophic explosion.

Item Individually Wrapped For No Reason

EASTON, PA—Crayola manufacturer Binney-Smith baffled consumers Monday when it released a new version of its popular 64-color box with each crayon individually packaged in a "Tru-Brite" cellophane wrapper. "Now your crayons will stay bright and colorful even longer," Binney-Smith president Arthur Wright said. "And they'll come out of their liners as fresh as the day they were made." The new boxes will also come with a convenient "Wrapper-Disposal Bag," into which the 64 wrappers may be discarded after removal of the crayons.

Man With New 40-Disc CD Changer Needs 18 More CDs

OVERLAND PARK, KS—With 22 slots filled in his new Sony 40-disc CD player, Overland Park restaurateur William Fedorisko still needs 18 more discs, it was learned Monday. "I was thinking of maybe getting that five-disc Paul Simon box set. That would fill up some of those slots in a hurry," the 43-year-old Fedorisko told reporters. "And then, for the remaining 13 slots, maybe I'll get the You've Got Mail soundtrack, the new Eric Clapton and maybe some Sheryl Crow. But whatever I get, I'd better do it fast: That 40-disc-changing technology is just going to waste."

Ritalin Cures Next Picasso

WORCESTER, MA—Area 7-year-old Douglas Castellano's unbridled energy and creativity are no longer a problem thanks to Ritalin, doctors for the child announced Monday. "After years of failed attempts to stop Douglas' uncontrollable bouts of self-expression, we have finally found success with Ritalin," Dr. Irwin Schraeger said. "For the first time in his life, Douglas can actually sit down and not think about lots of things at once." Castellano's parents reported that the cured child no longer tries to draw on everything in sight, calming down enough to show an interest in television.

Eyes Wide Cut

In order to receive an 'R' rating from the MPAA, Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut was digitally altered, with human figures added to obscure scenes of explicit sexuality. What do you think about what many film critics are condemning as censorship?

That's Not Funny; My Brother Died That Way

Hey, listen, guys. Listen up. This is a great party and everything, and it's cool you invited me and all, but I have to speak up about that scene in Police Academy you were just talking about.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Late Night

Energy

I Do Not Trust My Man-Servant

Over the course of my 115 years as a news-paper-man, I have come to realize the value of loyalty... It amounts to zilch!

Any bonds I have formed with my fellow man have been based upon a combination of fear and certain judiciously applied monies: My Swiss Guard are paid mercenaries; my physician, Doc McGillicuddy, will only plunge elbow-deep into my ancient viscera in exchange for lavish payments in smuggled Krugerrands; and the services of my pendulously gutted pin-head nurse are secured alternately with beatings and endowments of shiny gilded trinkets. Parasites, all! The closest thing I have had to a loyal companion over the years has been my man-servant Standish.

Yet I can no longer even count on him. As you may recall, while temporarily impecunious earlier this year, Standish and I enjoyed the brief succor of the Burger-King. Standish decided to put a portion of his share of the alms given to us by the celebrated Plenipotentiary Of Meat toward playing the numbers-lottery. In short order, Standish had won $187 million. Yet he offered me none of it!

Still infuriated at the flagrant cheek of this mere domestic, I recently requested the services of my solicitor, Beavers. As we sat together in my study, I endeavored to make the case that because Standish was still in my employ during our exodus, any monies incurred by him were essentially mine; there-fore, so were his lottery-winnings.

To this, Beavers merely chortled. "My dear Mr. Zweibel," he said, "have you never heard of the Fourteenth Amendment?" I said of course I had, but I didn't under-stand why that great and just measure banning women from wearing those immodest bloomer-trousers had any-thing to do with the matter at hand. But Beavers replied that the amendment actually entitled all native-born Americans to equal protection under the law.

Devious shyster! He is probably receiving a lucrative sum from Standish to mislead me. You see, Standish has learned a thing or two from my own back-stabbing acts of rapine ferocity, and doubtless he is applying it to his own affairs. I shall give him a fort-night to confess his treacherous intent, and if he doesn't confess, I'll order him to take his own life. If he refuses, I shall indulge in my own skullduggery to gain his bonanza. I would cackle wickedly right now, but I lost my laugh permanently during a bout of whooping-fever in 1907.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More