I Do So Adore The Adult Theatre

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Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

TV Show Under Fire For Depicting Murder

LOS ANGELES—In what is being described as perhaps the most shocking and distasteful moment in broadcast history, the popular primetime television show Criminal Minds is facing heavy criticism today for airing an episode that depicted the act ...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

I Do So Adore The Adult Theatre

Ah, the adult theatre! As a discriminating patron of the adult arts, nothing compares to a night out enjoying the lights, glamour, and pelvic gyrations of the adult theatre. Each performance is a glorious release, filling me with the joy and elation that only high smut can deliver.

Let me describe my perfect Saturday evening to you. It starts off with an early dinner, followed by a Bud tall boy or three. Then, it's off to the adult theatre to delight in some hot, throbbing facial action. Nothing could be more satisfying! If done properly, the adult theatre lifts the soul, frees the spirit, and engorges the genitals. Yes, only the adult theatre can transform the dull routine of the Everyman into something magical through staged acts of moaning, heaving, and fucking and sucking.

By any chance, did you happen to catch the Chrysti & Sindi Sextravaganza at Club Platinum last Thursday? Spectacular! Truly a night to remember. The musical numbers were exquisitely choreographed, as if angels themselves had descended from above to guide the action. Ever graceful, Chrysti glided gracefully up and down the brass pole to the strains of Mystikal's "Shake Ya Ass."

And Sindi? Oh, she was magnificent! From the moment she took the stage, a vision in rhinestone pasties, she held everyone transfixed. I don't exaggerate when I say she brought the house down with her show-stopping lollipop number. But the third act was the true coup de grace: Their bodies intertwined in sapphic splendor, Chrysti and Sindi wowed the crowd with their human-totem-pole trick. It was almost more than I could bear... a feast for all the senses!

Those who think adult theatre is only for those upper-crust types who attend live dramatic performances are quite mistaken. The adult theatre is for everyone, and it thrives in any number of formats. Much like an official cast recording can bring home all the magic of a Broadway musical, the adult theatre can be enjoyed at home with videotapes. In fact, many of the best adult dramatic productions are exclusive to home viewing.

Take, for example, Motel Sex, starring adult-theatre legend Asia Carrera. You could never find a production like that mounted onstage. The reason is simple: In order to capture the essence of a motel, it is necessary to use a real motel, and no stage set can achieve the level of verisimilitude demanded by adult-theatre connoisseurs. Oh, there are those purists who say you cannot duplicate the adult-theatrical experience within an electronic medium, but I say home viewing, when done properly, is every bit as good as a live show.

There are those who charge that the adult theatre is superficial. They claim it's all artifice, nothing but a lot of sturm und tang with no real substance undergirding it all. These so-called "critics" are sorely misinformed. If only they would let go of their conventional, preconceived notions of what "good theatre" is, they would see the beauty and timelessness of such tales as Cum-Crazed Slurp Sluts Vol. 14.

Still skeptical? As Exhibit A, I present to you the straight-to-video feature Farrah's Anal Adventure. I don't exaggerate when I say it made me dizzy with paroxysms of ass-eating joy! I also recently caught a big-screen showing of the classic Behind The Green Door, starring the Grand Dame of adult theatre herself, the lovely Marilyn Chambers. While I have seen the film at least 15 times, it never fails to raise my spirits and lower my pants.

I would be remiss if you, gentle reader, were to walk away from this column with the impression that every work of adult theatre is a fully realized piece of art worthy of plaudits. Sadly, this is not so. Take, for example, Blow By Blow, a regrettable 1997 Vivid Video misfire set in the world of boxing. The film's actors spend far too much time using their mouths for wooden dialogue and not nearly enough for hot oral action. Fortunately, I wasn't stuck watching Blow By Blow, as, along with it, I rented three superior titles: Night Creams, Fresh And Tasty #31, and Knee-Pad Nymphos. Let's just say I'm still cleaning the walls of my room. Still not convinced? Still cling to the belief that adult theatre is not for you? So be it! Clearly, some people were meant for Salisbury steak while others were meant for filet mignon. Well, you can keep your Salisbury steak, because the adult theatre is the life for me!

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