How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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I Do So Adore The Adult Theatre

Ah, the adult theatre! As a discriminating patron of the adult arts, nothing compares to a night out enjoying the lights, glamour, and pelvic gyrations of the adult theatre. Each performance is a glorious release, filling me with the joy and elation that only high smut can deliver.

Let me describe my perfect Saturday evening to you. It starts off with an early dinner, followed by a Bud tall boy or three. Then, it's off to the adult theatre to delight in some hot, throbbing facial action. Nothing could be more satisfying! If done properly, the adult theatre lifts the soul, frees the spirit, and engorges the genitals. Yes, only the adult theatre can transform the dull routine of the Everyman into something magical through staged acts of moaning, heaving, and fucking and sucking.

By any chance, did you happen to catch the Chrysti & Sindi Sextravaganza at Club Platinum last Thursday? Spectacular! Truly a night to remember. The musical numbers were exquisitely choreographed, as if angels themselves had descended from above to guide the action. Ever graceful, Chrysti glided gracefully up and down the brass pole to the strains of Mystikal's "Shake Ya Ass."

And Sindi? Oh, she was magnificent! From the moment she took the stage, a vision in rhinestone pasties, she held everyone transfixed. I don't exaggerate when I say she brought the house down with her show-stopping lollipop number. But the third act was the true coup de grace: Their bodies intertwined in sapphic splendor, Chrysti and Sindi wowed the crowd with their human-totem-pole trick. It was almost more than I could bear... a feast for all the senses!

Those who think adult theatre is only for those upper-crust types who attend live dramatic performances are quite mistaken. The adult theatre is for everyone, and it thrives in any number of formats. Much like an official cast recording can bring home all the magic of a Broadway musical, the adult theatre can be enjoyed at home with videotapes. In fact, many of the best adult dramatic productions are exclusive to home viewing.

Take, for example, Motel Sex, starring adult-theatre legend Asia Carrera. You could never find a production like that mounted onstage. The reason is simple: In order to capture the essence of a motel, it is necessary to use a real motel, and no stage set can achieve the level of verisimilitude demanded by adult-theatre connoisseurs. Oh, there are those purists who say you cannot duplicate the adult-theatrical experience within an electronic medium, but I say home viewing, when done properly, is every bit as good as a live show.

There are those who charge that the adult theatre is superficial. They claim it's all artifice, nothing but a lot of sturm und tang with no real substance undergirding it all. These so-called "critics" are sorely misinformed. If only they would let go of their conventional, preconceived notions of what "good theatre" is, they would see the beauty and timelessness of such tales as Cum-Crazed Slurp Sluts Vol. 14.

Still skeptical? As Exhibit A, I present to you the straight-to-video feature Farrah's Anal Adventure. I don't exaggerate when I say it made me dizzy with paroxysms of ass-eating joy! I also recently caught a big-screen showing of the classic Behind The Green Door, starring the Grand Dame of adult theatre herself, the lovely Marilyn Chambers. While I have seen the film at least 15 times, it never fails to raise my spirits and lower my pants.

I would be remiss if you, gentle reader, were to walk away from this column with the impression that every work of adult theatre is a fully realized piece of art worthy of plaudits. Sadly, this is not so. Take, for example, Blow By Blow, a regrettable 1997 Vivid Video misfire set in the world of boxing. The film's actors spend far too much time using their mouths for wooden dialogue and not nearly enough for hot oral action. Fortunately, I wasn't stuck watching Blow By Blow, as, along with it, I rented three superior titles: Night Creams, Fresh And Tasty #31, and Knee-Pad Nymphos. Let's just say I'm still cleaning the walls of my room. Still not convinced? Still cling to the belief that adult theatre is not for you? So be it! Clearly, some people were meant for Salisbury steak while others were meant for filet mignon. Well, you can keep your Salisbury steak, because the adult theatre is the life for me!

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