I Don't Care How Long It Takes, I'm Gonna Figure Out What That 'L' Word Is

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Vol 41 Issue 12

Ask A Guy Who's Been Avoiding You

Barry Turner is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Guy Who's Been Avoiding You, appears in more than 250 papers nationwide.

No One Admits To Fart Joke

HARRISBURG, PA—No one among the Harrisburg Family Insurance sales team will admit to having added a crude, hand-drawn depiction of flatulence to a Successories poster Monday. "All right, who put the fart cloud coming out of the rock-climber's butt?" sales-team leader Dean Sendars asked. "It had to be someone in this office." Sales-team members were quiet, later noting that, in many cases, he who saw it, drawed it.

Offended Customer's Huffy Walkout Goes Unnoticed

DULUTH, MN—Angry about the convenience store's poor service, Dina Jorgenson abruptly stormed out of Marvin's QuikStop unseen Monday. "Oh, I've had enough of this," Jorgenson said, pointedly slamming her passion-fruit Snapple on the counter and marching out the front door, after having waited in line for nearly 10 minutes. Two hours later, QuikStop cashier Tasha Quiggle asked a fellow clerk why there was a warm Snapple sitting on the counter.

Friends Always On Best Behavior Around Neil LaBute

FORT WAYNE, IN—Personal acquaintances of acclaimed playwright and filmmaker Neil LaBute reported Tuesday that they keep their behavior in check when around him. "You get in one stupid argument with your wife in front of the guy, and the next thing you know, you're an emotionally abusive misogynist in theaters nationwide," said Terrence Wydell, one of LaBute's former classmates. "With Neil, it's best to limit the conversation to the weather and current events." LaBute is reportedly at work on The Act Of Lending, a play about a character named Terrence who borrows DVDs through intimidation and verbal cruelty, with no intention of ever returning them.

Guatemalan Coffee Picker Happy If Single Person Starts Day Alert

HUEHUETENANGO, GUATEMALA—Carmen Harroyo spends 16 hours a day picking coffee beans, but the weather-beaten 17-year-old said Monday that she is glad to do it if it helps give a single coffee drinker a much-needed morning boost. "I make $2 a day and share a room with my five sisters, but all the hard work is worth it if I help just one American suburbanite jumpstart her day," Harroyo said, batting away a swarm of mosquitoes. "I appreciate the opportunity to touch another person's life." Harroyo said she dreams of someday helping people get their antioxidants by picking sticks from bushels of green tea until her fingers bleed.

Oil Drilling In Alaska

In a major political victory for President Bush, the Senate recently voted to open the Alaskan Arctic Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling. What do you think?

The New SAT

Last week, thousands of high-school students took a new version of the SAT Reasoning Test. What are they saying about the revamped exam?

Horoscope for the week of March 23, 2005

While on a pilgrimage, you and two dozen other travelers will stop for the night at a roadside inn, where you'll all agree to pass the time by telling stories about your jobs as carpet salespeople.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

I Don't Care How Long It Takes, I'm Gonna Figure Out What That 'L' Word Is

I love a good mystery. When a television program gives you something to piece together, you have a reason to tune in every week. It's like a game. Alias, or 24—that's my kind of show. But I have got to tell you, The L Word really has me stumped. I'm going to figure out what that darn word is, though. I don't care how long it takes me.

After seeing an episode, my first guess was that the "L" stood for "ladies." It made sense, because the show centers on a group of women and follows them as they navigate friendships, romantic entanglements, and life in California. While "ladies" is a strong guess, it's wrong. I know that, because a lot of the first season focused on the relationship between Tim and Jenny. (They had a rough patch in their relationship after Tim walked in on Jenny having a girl "go downtown" on her.) Given that much of the first season was about Tim—a man—it would be a cheat if the "L" word were "ladies."

"L" word... "L" word... Love? Lust? Liposuction? Lariat? Lonesome? This show is long on questions and short on answers, but I love a good puzzle, and I'm not giving up yet!

I have to admit that I've missed a few episodes. Maybe they gave some important clues about the "L" word in one of them. Or maybe, if I listened to the show's dialogue more closely, I'd figure it out. Sometimes I'm a bit too distracted by all the hot actresses making out with each other to catch every word. Well, I hope the second season comes out on DVD quickly, so I can give them all another look. I'll watch them as many times as it takes. I've got the patience to see this thing through.

The show's title sequence is no help, that's for sure. They tease you with something like 50 words that start with the letter "L." Man! You know you're sitting there looking at the word, but they won't give you any clues as to which one is the one. Some that I remember offhand are Liberal, Lickable, Learn, Laughter, Lesbian, Lunch, Literary, Labels, and Loft. But what's the common thread?

Oh, and it doesn't make it any easier that every episode title begins with an "L." Are the creators of this show trying to drive me insane?

Well, I'm a patient man. I'm still writing letters in search of someone who can explain What's Eating Gilbert Grape to me. The "L" word mystery is no different: I have the stamina to stay on the case.

In fact, a part of me doesn't want to figure it out. It's like when I figured out that Leland Palmer had killed Laura while inhabited by the dark spirit Bob. I was glad to know the answer to the mystery, but I was sorry Twin Peaks had come to an end. A good mystery show creates a cultural phenomenon. That's how it is, watching The L Word.

Hmm, do you think it could be Loquacious? Nah. The show's subject matter isn't exactly intellectual, so I don't think the mystery word would be something so brainy. Don't worry—I'll get it eventually.

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