I Don't Have The Adequate Household Cleansing Supplies For This Tough Job

In This Section

Vol 34 Issue 16

Life Much Better Thanks To Recent Elections

WASHINGTON, DC–Life in the U.S. has significantly improved as a result of the Sept. 3 elections, according to a Georgetown University report released Tuesday. "The elections have brought about a great deal of positive change," the report read. "Healthcare is universal, the environment is cleaner and streets are safer. These new politicians are the ones we needed."

15,000 Brown People Dead Somewhere

OOGA-BOOGA LAND OR WHEREVER–Relief efforts are pouring into some country someplace, where 15,000 brown people have died over the past few weeks from flooding or a hurricane or something like that. "Never have our people endured such a terrible catastrophe," said this one dark-skinned guy who lost his entire family in the disaster of some sort. "Our God has forsaken us." The affected nation may possibly be the same one where about 90,000 brown people died two or three years ago in that one earthquake.

Blotting Of Ken Olin From Human Memory Delayed Several Years

LOS ANGELES–The complete erasure of actor Ken Olin from human memory has been forestalled at least a year due to his role on CBS's L.A. Doctors, it was reported Tuesday. Olin, who, prior to L.A. Doctors, had not appeared in anything notable since 1991's cancellation of thirtysomething, was reportedly less than 50 days from disappearing from the world's collective consciousness when he landed a role on the medical drama.

NYC Conservationists Decry Destruction Of Rat Habitats

NEW YORK–Calling recent urban renewal efforts "a grave threat to the city's fragile rat population," a group of New York City conservationists called for an end to the destruction of rat habitats Monday. "The redevelopment of run-down, abandoned buildings in Times Square drove more than 240,000 rats from their natural habitats in 1997," Rat Foundation director Mary Brinn said. In an effort to save the species, the Rat Foundation is demanding that eight city sewer lines be set aside as federally protected rat preserves.

Child Baffled By Stationary, Non-Violent Images

NEWTON, MA–Local first-grader Jamie Linnell is in stable condition following exposure to a static, non-confrontational image Tuesday. The image, a 1947 Life magazine photo of a woman tending to a rose garden, left Linnell in a state of panic and disorientation. "Jamie was turning the picture in all directions, desperately shaking it in an attempt to make it move," the boy's mother, Rita Linnell, told reporters. "He was frightened and trembling, and he kept asking me, 'Mommy, why isn't this exploding?' Then he collapsed to the floor." Linnell regained consciousness after receiving emergency doses of Tekken 3.

End Of The Gingrich Era

On Nov. 6, days after the elections that reduced the Republicans' House lead to just six seats, Newt Gingrich stepped down as Speaker of the House. What do you think about the end of the Gingrich Era on Capitol Hill?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

I Don't Have The Adequate Household Cleansing Supplies For This Tough Job

Boy, what an afternoon I had last Friday! My arms full of groceries, I had just opened the front door of my attractively furnished suburban home when my adorable 8-year-old son Jake zipped past me in a filthy, grass-stained Little League uniform. Hot on his heels was none other than our family dog Scooter, carrying a baseball glove in his mouth and completely covered in mud!

Before I had a chance to react, they had run all through the house, leaving a trail of hand and paw prints on everything in sight. The carpet, the walls, the kitchen countertop, the bathroom sink–even my brand-new white couch was stained! I placed my hands on my hips and shook my head in disbelief. "Look at this awful mess!" I exclaimed aloud to the empty room.

After changing Jake into a fresh pair of overalls, applying a color-safe stain stick with extra spot-fighting action to his dirty uniform, I sent him out to the backyard with a tray of mini microwave-pizza bagels. As soon as he closed the screen door behind him, I headed straight to my kitchen cabinet, determined to find a household cleansing product powerful and versatile enough to take care of all the messes Jake and Scooter had made.

I sifted frantically through my floor waxes, scrubbing powders, ammonia-based window cleaners, anti-buildup furniture polishes, carpet sprays, sink detergents, and tub-and-tile cleansers. But it was no use–I didn't have time for multiple products! The guests for my daughter Kelly's birthday party would be arriving in an hour, and my husband's boss was coming over for dinner at 6:30. I needed one product that could do it all–and fast!

There was only one thing to do. I hopped in my minivan and raced to the grocery store in search of a cleanser powerful enough to take on my family's toughest stains. My hope was that one of the store's ethnically diverse patrons would be able to recommend a non-abrasive product that provides all-day cleaning and deodorizing action, but is safe enough to use on even the delicate colored surfaces of my kitchen and bathroom.

When I got to the store, I was confused by all the products on the shelves. How was I to know which one would leave my home fresh-smelling and free of ground-in dirt and grime, mold and mildew stains, greasy residue and soap-scum buildup? This product had to be able to clean my glass without streaking and make my home's formica and porcelain surfaces so clean they shine. And I also needed to be sure it would blast through buildup and disinfect my home's "high-touch zones": kitchen countertops and appliances, bathroom faucets, and the entire around-the-sink region.

That's when I came across the brightly colored bottle of Solve, available in convenient spray or gel form. I didn't want anything with that icky ammonia smell, so you can imagine how thrilled I was to discover Solve's refreshing spring-breeze scent! As I inhaled deeply from the uncapped bottle, I could almost see flowers floating up from the bottle and into my nose on a sunbeam-sprinkled wave of freshness. It was definitely worth paying a few pennies more to finally be free of embarrassing pet odors, lingering cooking smells, and the stale smoke from my husband's cigars.

With Solve, cleaning up Scooter and Jake's mess was a breeze. Solve even got rid of those stubborn smudges on my faucets and mirrors! Solve was strong enough to eliminate tough stains on all my household surfaces, including linoleum, formica, tile, porcelain, fiberglass, terrazzo, glass and plastic... even the upholstery of my brand-new white couch!

I worked my way through each and every room, throwing open the windows to let the sun shine in on my home's like-new surfaces! I put my mop away with a wide flourish, smiling because I knew I hadn't just cleaned, I had attacked the areas of household germ concentration, eliminating the germs that cause sickness. Finally I was cleaning smarter, not harder.

When my husband came home from work, he told me how great the house smelled, and everyone at the birthday party complimented me on my gleaming kitchen floor. What a successful day!

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More