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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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I Don't Have The Adequate Household Cleansing Supplies For This Tough Job

Boy, what an afternoon I had last Friday! My arms full of groceries, I had just opened the front door of my attractively furnished suburban home when my adorable 8-year-old son Jake zipped past me in a filthy, grass-stained Little League uniform. Hot on his heels was none other than our family dog Scooter, carrying a baseball glove in his mouth and completely covered in mud!

Before I had a chance to react, they had run all through the house, leaving a trail of hand and paw prints on everything in sight. The carpet, the walls, the kitchen countertop, the bathroom sink–even my brand-new white couch was stained! I placed my hands on my hips and shook my head in disbelief. "Look at this awful mess!" I exclaimed aloud to the empty room.

After changing Jake into a fresh pair of overalls, applying a color-safe stain stick with extra spot-fighting action to his dirty uniform, I sent him out to the backyard with a tray of mini microwave-pizza bagels. As soon as he closed the screen door behind him, I headed straight to my kitchen cabinet, determined to find a household cleansing product powerful and versatile enough to take care of all the messes Jake and Scooter had made.

I sifted frantically through my floor waxes, scrubbing powders, ammonia-based window cleaners, anti-buildup furniture polishes, carpet sprays, sink detergents, and tub-and-tile cleansers. But it was no use–I didn't have time for multiple products! The guests for my daughter Kelly's birthday party would be arriving in an hour, and my husband's boss was coming over for dinner at 6:30. I needed one product that could do it all–and fast!

There was only one thing to do. I hopped in my minivan and raced to the grocery store in search of a cleanser powerful enough to take on my family's toughest stains. My hope was that one of the store's ethnically diverse patrons would be able to recommend a non-abrasive product that provides all-day cleaning and deodorizing action, but is safe enough to use on even the delicate colored surfaces of my kitchen and bathroom.

When I got to the store, I was confused by all the products on the shelves. How was I to know which one would leave my home fresh-smelling and free of ground-in dirt and grime, mold and mildew stains, greasy residue and soap-scum buildup? This product had to be able to clean my glass without streaking and make my home's formica and porcelain surfaces so clean they shine. And I also needed to be sure it would blast through buildup and disinfect my home's "high-touch zones": kitchen countertops and appliances, bathroom faucets, and the entire around-the-sink region.

That's when I came across the brightly colored bottle of Solve, available in convenient spray or gel form. I didn't want anything with that icky ammonia smell, so you can imagine how thrilled I was to discover Solve's refreshing spring-breeze scent! As I inhaled deeply from the uncapped bottle, I could almost see flowers floating up from the bottle and into my nose on a sunbeam-sprinkled wave of freshness. It was definitely worth paying a few pennies more to finally be free of embarrassing pet odors, lingering cooking smells, and the stale smoke from my husband's cigars.

With Solve, cleaning up Scooter and Jake's mess was a breeze. Solve even got rid of those stubborn smudges on my faucets and mirrors! Solve was strong enough to eliminate tough stains on all my household surfaces, including linoleum, formica, tile, porcelain, fiberglass, terrazzo, glass and plastic... even the upholstery of my brand-new white couch!

I worked my way through each and every room, throwing open the windows to let the sun shine in on my home's like-new surfaces! I put my mop away with a wide flourish, smiling because I knew I hadn't just cleaned, I had attacked the areas of household germ concentration, eliminating the germs that cause sickness. Finally I was cleaning smarter, not harder.

When my husband came home from work, he told me how great the house smelled, and everyone at the birthday party complimented me on my gleaming kitchen floor. What a successful day!

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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