adBlockCheck

I Don't Make My Jukebox Selections For The Recognition

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Don't Make My Jukebox Selections For The Recognition

It's no secret that when it comes to rocking the jukebox, I'm the best. I've essentially revolutionized the practice by stringing together seemingly impossible songs, and I've done it for years. Of course, with skills like these comes a certain amount of renown. But no matter how much I continue to innovate and break new, unthought-of ground, I never seek the spotlight. I prefer to let the jukebox speak for itself.

Because for me, it's always been about the music, not who selects it.

Sometimes people need a hero to present them with a special gift—like when someone comes along and breathes new life into an otherwise sleepy bar by singling out Johnny Cash's "Cocaine Blues" rather than merely going with a standard like "I Walk the Line," and then follows it up with a totally unexpected switch to Britpop with the classic Squeeze track "Tempted." A move like that has knocked the socks off more bar-goers than I can count. But even when the miracle takes place, you don't see me going around nudging everybody on the shoulder and taking credit for it.

To do that would cheapen the moment for everyone.

Some people walk into a bar and saunter right up to the jukebox, making a big production of their selections, taking their time so everyone is sure to see them. Well, that's amateur-hour all the way and it's certainly not what motivates a master like me, someone who considers jukeboxing an art, and not a cheap plea for notoriety. When I'm up there, no one can predict what I'm about to punch in, but they can rest assured that, for the next 20 minutes to half an hour, the jams are going to keep coming like a fantastic hurricane dream.

Sure, I get my share of knowing glances—that brief eye contact from a stranger that silently says "Hey, way to pick 'em, bro." But I don't need people to personally thank me every time one of my carefully chosen songs blows their mind. I pour my heart and soul into it, but the sight of someone bobbing their head, biting their lip, is what makes it all worthwhile.

Doing what I do is not easy. It took years to hone my craft and reach such a level of facility with this complex instrument. Say I open up with something fast and loud like Motörhead. Anyone could ride that out with Diamond Head or Iron Maiden. But not me: I'll do a complete pivot and play Nancy Sinatra's haunting duet with Lee Hazlewood, the psychedelic-era oddity "Some Velvet Morning," just when everybody's least expecting it. Bam. (Few people know this, but that "obscure track" happens to be on her greatest hits record.) Slam.

And I'll keep you guessing. I'll play a '70s one-hit wonder like Sammy Johns' "Chevy Van" right after some blistering DC hardcore from Minor Threat. I'll lay down some early New Orleans funk from The Meters just after surprising you with Public Enemy's collaboration with Anthrax. I'll go from mid-period Willie Nelson to early Funkadelic, and then plunge right into "Jump Into the Fire" by Harry Nillson. You won't know what hit you. You'll be thinking, "Who's the badass that programmed this mix? I want to buy that guy a drink!"

But like I said, I'm not in it for the glory. Even after the long, unbearable wait for your songs to come on, it's still about more than hollow posturing. As soon as the wonderful cacophony begins, I'll be a shadow in the corner somewhere, silently air-guitaring with the knowledge that I just made your night.

I won't deny it can be tempting to let the cat out of the bag. I'm not made of stone. Hell, sometimes I even impress myself! When I transform an ordinary Tuesday afternoon into the climactic scene of a Vincent Gallo movie by busting out "Heart of the Sunrise," it's a real challenge not to let everybody know who just lit the night on fire.

But eight or nine times out of 10, I don't even say a word. I don't need your gratitude.

So the next time you're sitting alone in a bar somewhere and a madhouse mélange of strangely complementary jams comes on, you can look around, but you won't find me. I'll already be off to the next jukebox.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close