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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

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Study: Other Countries Weird

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.
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I Don't Miss My Arms

It's been almost two years since the auto accident, but you know what? I don't miss my arms at all!

There are so many things that I never would have experienced had my upper appendages not been ripped from their sockets on that fateful day. For instance, I bet I never would have known what a great public speaker I was if I hadn't had my accident and joined up with the other kids at Diversabilities.

Instead of touring local schools and hospitals talking to groups of disabled kids, I'd be doing all the same things other kids do, like hanging out with friends and having fun.

I'd be wasting my time shooting hoops, dating girls and playing the oboe as the youngest member of a nationally recognized symphonic orchestra. You know, if I had remained third-chair oboist at St. Luke's, I never would have developed my singing voice.

Of course, I only sing songs like "Everyone Is Special (Me and You, Two)" to hospitalized children, because if I tried to sing regular rock songs everyone would laugh at me. They'd say, "Hey, look at that singing armless guy!"

There are plenty of other things I've learned since I "lost" my arms. (I didn't really lose them. They were right there in the ditch only three feet away!) Before the wreck, I never knew how to type with my face. Heck, I'd never even tried before!

I know someday I'll meet a special girl, maybe at church, someone who loves me for who I am. Someone who finds human arms unattractive.

Before my accident, I used to get in arguments with other guys my age that would end in fistfights. Now when someone insults me, I just cry and cry, and they always apologize right away.

I hardly ever need to do that, though, because people are nicer to me than they ever were before. Growing up, I was always told that I was too cocky, but now everyone likes me. Ever since the accident, everyone's called me Tommy, a diminutive version of my name Thomas. It's great!

I used to be just another face in the crowd. But now that I'm the teenager with no arms, people remember me! And pray for me!

Nope, I don't miss my arms at all!

Flepper resides in DeKalb, IL, where he is currently working on his autobiography, My Arms Are With The Lord Now.

More from this section

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

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