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I Don't Miss My Arms

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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I Don't Miss My Arms

It's been almost two years since the auto accident, but you know what? I don't miss my arms at all!

There are so many things that I never would have experienced had my upper appendages not been ripped from their sockets on that fateful day. For instance, I bet I never would have known what a great public speaker I was if I hadn't had my accident and joined up with the other kids at Diversabilities.

Instead of touring local schools and hospitals talking to groups of disabled kids, I'd be doing all the same things other kids do, like hanging out with friends and having fun.

I'd be wasting my time shooting hoops, dating girls and playing the oboe as the youngest member of a nationally recognized symphonic orchestra. You know, if I had remained third-chair oboist at St. Luke's, I never would have developed my singing voice.

Of course, I only sing songs like "Everyone Is Special (Me and You, Two)" to hospitalized children, because if I tried to sing regular rock songs everyone would laugh at me. They'd say, "Hey, look at that singing armless guy!"

There are plenty of other things I've learned since I "lost" my arms. (I didn't really lose them. They were right there in the ditch only three feet away!) Before the wreck, I never knew how to type with my face. Heck, I'd never even tried before!

I know someday I'll meet a special girl, maybe at church, someone who loves me for who I am. Someone who finds human arms unattractive.

Before my accident, I used to get in arguments with other guys my age that would end in fistfights. Now when someone insults me, I just cry and cry, and they always apologize right away.

I hardly ever need to do that, though, because people are nicer to me than they ever were before. Growing up, I was always told that I was too cocky, but now everyone likes me. Ever since the accident, everyone's called me Tommy, a diminutive version of my name Thomas. It's great!

I used to be just another face in the crowd. But now that I'm the teenager with no arms, people remember me! And pray for me!

Nope, I don't miss my arms at all!

Flepper resides in DeKalb, IL, where he is currently working on his autobiography, My Arms Are With The Lord Now.

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