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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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I Don't Need Drugs To Have A Good Time And Jump Through A Plate-Glass Window Into A Pool 15 Stories Below

You know, some people just don't get it. They think they need to smoke a little grass, maybe do a little blow, or ingest several grams of angel dust to lose their inhibitions. They think they can't cut loose without alcohol or ecstasy. But I'm here to tell you, you don't need drugs to get crazy and let it all hang out. I've been clean and sober my whole life, but I can still enjoy smashing through a plate-glass window and plummeting 15 stories into the pool of a luxury Vegas hotel as much as the next guy. And I do it without drugs.

The possibilities are endless when you live clean. You just need to have a little imagination, that's all.

See, I'm not one of these dirtbag wasteoids who thinks he needs the "high" of drugs to have fun. I may live the straight and narrow, but I've never let that stop me from, say, turning over a car and riddling it with bullet holes while screaming random obscenities at the top of my lungs to every passing motorist. Fun like that doesn't come in some pill. It comes from inside you.

I'm telling you, you'd be amazed at how much more enjoyable it is to leap off a burning bus onto the hood of a car behind it, smash through the window shield with a brick, and then dive off right before it careens into an oncoming truck when you're doing it with a clear head. Same goes for battling a pack of wild dogs in a back alley. And then passing out after the wild dog pack bites you so much that you pass out due to loss of blood but not before winning their respect by defeating their leader.

See what I mean? A world of adventure lies around every corner, guys. And trust me, you don't need a toke or a snort to get there.

Besides, how can anyone possibly enjoy all life has to offer when they're constantly blacking out and forgetting everything? Personally, I want to recall exactly which police car I illegally commandeered and drove into the Hudson River when I wake up, and remember full well what it felt like to kick the window out with my shackled feet so I could swim to the surface before it filled up with water and I drowned. Had I been pumped full of booze and drugs, I'd just be wondering how my clothes got soaking wet and covered in kerosene and why I was in a storeroom behind a riverfront Chinese restaurant with a broken lock on the back door, desperate to find a hacksaw to free my legs. Instead, I have a crystal-clear memory of every special moment that happened that night. It's all right there in my head.

It's annoying to me that stuff like cutting down a No Parking sign with a blowtorch and then using it to smash every window display on a block are considered a "drug thing." You can keep throwing a party every night if you want to, without the disadvantage of mind-altering substances affecting your judgment as you swing wildly from a clothesline before it snaps and you plummet to the ground and cave in the tin roof of your neighbor's tool shed as it breaks your fall.

So go ahead and swing that ax handle, break every object in the room, engage in unprotected sex with hundreds of filthy strangers. Go ahead and leap onto a passing fire truck, grab the driver and throw him out, and then crank the siren and extend the ladder while speeding down the street at 80 miles an hour, taking out as many telephone poles as you can. Look at me: I'm the living proof it can work. Live the good life—but live it sober. I know I have, and I can't tell you how much pain I'm in right now.

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