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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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I Don't Talk Much, But When I Do, Nobody Really Cares

I'm not the type of guy who likes to throw his opinions around willy-nilly. Most of the time, I'm happy enough to just sit back and take in what everyone else has to say. Once in a great while, though, I'll decide to speak up and make my feelings known, and when I do, boy, you'd better believe that nobody pays any attention.

Yes, sir. You can pretty much hear a pin drop whenever Peter Grossman opens his mouth to talk. A pin drop, a couple people speaking directly over him, the sound of someone checking their voicemail, and usually some loud coughing or throat-clearing of some kind.

I may not say very much. But trust me, those around me hear even less.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm a thoughtful individual. Or maybe it's the fact that I don't usually voice my opinions unless I feel quite strongly about them. All I know is every time that I do, people immediately stop whatever it is they're doing, quickly conclude that I'm not at all critical to the discussion at hand, and then roundly dismiss anything and everything that I've had to say.

A man of few words? Yes. But those few words, let me tell you, they carry almost no weight whatsoever.

In fact, sometimes people won't even notice I'm around until I pipe up and say something they hadn't considered before. Afterward, though, you can always tell that they're thinking, "Wait a second, did that guy just talk? Because if he did, I sure as hell wasn't listening." It's kind of impressive, actually, to watch everyone suddenly turn toward you, blink once or twice, and then turn slowly back to their discussions as if nothing at all happened.

What can I say? When Peter Grossman speaks, people usually nod, mutter something indistinct beneath their breath, and then get up to make coffee.

Take yesterday, for instance. Everyone was sitting around the conference table arguing over the best way to cut down on frivolous expenditures. You know: Lots of yelling and throwing out the first thought or idea that came to mind. For 20 minutes or so I kept quiet. I just sat there, trying to work out a solution in my head, trying to give the problem the attention and care it deserved. And believe you me, when I finally found that elegant solution, and had a chance to put in my two cents, I was instantly showered with eye-rolling, knee-jerk dismissal, and please-Peter-not-nows.

In the end, we wound up going with Michael Bromberg's suggestion, which admittedly was the loudest, and which he repeated at least 10 times while gesticulating wildly, but you could still tell that everyone took what I had to contribute with a massive grain of salt.

I guess what I'm trying to say is— [Editor's note: We would like to thank guest columnist Peter Grossman for his time and his valuable opinions on whatever this editorial was about, but due to space considerations, we are forced to cut his piece short.]

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