adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
End Of Section
  • More News

I Don't Talk Much, But When I Do, Nobody Really Cares

I'm not the type of guy who likes to throw his opinions around willy-nilly. Most of the time, I'm happy enough to just sit back and take in what everyone else has to say. Once in a great while, though, I'll decide to speak up and make my feelings known, and when I do, boy, you'd better believe that nobody pays any attention.

Yes, sir. You can pretty much hear a pin drop whenever Peter Grossman opens his mouth to talk. A pin drop, a couple people speaking directly over him, the sound of someone checking their voicemail, and usually some loud coughing or throat-clearing of some kind.

I may not say very much. But trust me, those around me hear even less.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm a thoughtful individual. Or maybe it's the fact that I don't usually voice my opinions unless I feel quite strongly about them. All I know is every time that I do, people immediately stop whatever it is they're doing, quickly conclude that I'm not at all critical to the discussion at hand, and then roundly dismiss anything and everything that I've had to say.

A man of few words? Yes. But those few words, let me tell you, they carry almost no weight whatsoever.

In fact, sometimes people won't even notice I'm around until I pipe up and say something they hadn't considered before. Afterward, though, you can always tell that they're thinking, "Wait a second, did that guy just talk? Because if he did, I sure as hell wasn't listening." It's kind of impressive, actually, to watch everyone suddenly turn toward you, blink once or twice, and then turn slowly back to their discussions as if nothing at all happened.

What can I say? When Peter Grossman speaks, people usually nod, mutter something indistinct beneath their breath, and then get up to make coffee.

Take yesterday, for instance. Everyone was sitting around the conference table arguing over the best way to cut down on frivolous expenditures. You know: Lots of yelling and throwing out the first thought or idea that came to mind. For 20 minutes or so I kept quiet. I just sat there, trying to work out a solution in my head, trying to give the problem the attention and care it deserved. And believe you me, when I finally found that elegant solution, and had a chance to put in my two cents, I was instantly showered with eye-rolling, knee-jerk dismissal, and please-Peter-not-nows.

In the end, we wound up going with Michael Bromberg's suggestion, which admittedly was the loudest, and which he repeated at least 10 times while gesticulating wildly, but you could still tell that everyone took what I had to contribute with a massive grain of salt.

I guess what I'm trying to say is— [Editor's note: We would like to thank guest columnist Peter Grossman for his time and his valuable opinions on whatever this editorial was about, but due to space considerations, we are forced to cut his piece short.]

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close