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I Don't Want To Call Any Special Attention To Myself

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

I Don't Want To Call Any Special Attention To Myself

Some people are always trying to be the center of attention. They want everyone to look at them and listen to what they have to say, no matter how insignificant their point may be. Well, that's not me. I don't need to call any special attention to myself.

I don't know what it is about me, but I've always kept a low profile. Maybe it's humility, maybe it's self-confidence, but whatever it is, one thing's certain: I've never felt the need to be the star. If other people want to fight for the spotlight, they can. It's a free country, right? As for me, I'm content to stand quietly in the wings while others get the glory.

Though I certainly could, I'm not going to go on and on about my love of travel, Indian food, ballroom dance, mah-jongg, and tennis. Or go out of my way to bring up my prize poinsettias or impressive collection of signed R.C. Gorman lithographs. Sorry, but that's just not my style. And why would anyone want to know that I've raised three wonderful children, Benjamin, Jonathan, and Robyn, or that I volunteer for the Red Cross, or that my husband and I enjoy taking trips to Prince Edward Island every summer? And what's more, who on earth would care about my committed work with the blind, my opposition to the death penalty, my support of a flat tax, or my strong pro-choice stance?

I can't stand it when people are self-centered and feel inclined to yak incessantly about themselves, so I'm certainly not going to do it.

Take last week's school-board meeting, for example. The first thing I did when I got up to the podium was make it clear that I wasn't going to stand up there and self-indulgently blather for an eternity. To do so would be ridiculous, because I value the thoughts and opinions of other people just as much as my own. I wouldn't waste my fellow citizens' time going on about nothing just to draw out every last second of my precious, fleeting time in the spotlight. No, sirree. Wouldn't do it. No way, no how.

But that's just how some people are: They're in love with the sound of their own voice.

Fortunately, I've never had that kind of desperate, almost pathological need to be the center of attention, to be heard by others no matter how insignificant the content of my message. Some people!

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