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I Don't Want To Call Any Special Attention To Myself

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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I Don't Want To Call Any Special Attention To Myself

Some people are always trying to be the center of attention. They want everyone to look at them and listen to what they have to say, no matter how insignificant their point may be. Well, that's not me. I don't need to call any special attention to myself.

I don't know what it is about me, but I've always kept a low profile. Maybe it's humility, maybe it's self-confidence, but whatever it is, one thing's certain: I've never felt the need to be the star. If other people want to fight for the spotlight, they can. It's a free country, right? As for me, I'm content to stand quietly in the wings while others get the glory.

Though I certainly could, I'm not going to go on and on about my love of travel, Indian food, ballroom dance, mah-jongg, and tennis. Or go out of my way to bring up my prize poinsettias or impressive collection of signed R.C. Gorman lithographs. Sorry, but that's just not my style. And why would anyone want to know that I've raised three wonderful children, Benjamin, Jonathan, and Robyn, or that I volunteer for the Red Cross, or that my husband and I enjoy taking trips to Prince Edward Island every summer? And what's more, who on earth would care about my committed work with the blind, my opposition to the death penalty, my support of a flat tax, or my strong pro-choice stance?

I can't stand it when people are self-centered and feel inclined to yak incessantly about themselves, so I'm certainly not going to do it.

Take last week's school-board meeting, for example. The first thing I did when I got up to the podium was make it clear that I wasn't going to stand up there and self-indulgently blather for an eternity. To do so would be ridiculous, because I value the thoughts and opinions of other people just as much as my own. I wouldn't waste my fellow citizens' time going on about nothing just to draw out every last second of my precious, fleeting time in the spotlight. No, sirree. Wouldn't do it. No way, no how.

But that's just how some people are: They're in love with the sound of their own voice.

Fortunately, I've never had that kind of desperate, almost pathological need to be the center of attention, to be heard by others no matter how insignificant the content of my message. Some people!

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