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Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

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I Enjoy Being a Battery

Enjoy being battery! Enjoy providing power for! Nine volts power! Last very long! Keep providing power until die! Give power and power and more power until cannot give power anymore! Enjoy very much giving power!

How can be of service? Power clock radio? Will enjoy powering clock radio for! Power smoke alarm? Relish opportunity to power smoke alarm for! Can power small servo-motor also! Can power any device accommodating nine-volt battery! (Am nine-volt battery! Enjoy being nine-volt battery!) For any device at all, enjoy giving self for power!

Simply need external circuit! Then can provide electricity! Can provide electricity until death! Enjoy hooking external circuit up to! Enjoy surge of power through small rectangular body! Enjoy chemical reaction take place when circuit completed between two electrodes at tip! Enjoy providing this service! Want power video game!

Enjoy storing chemical energy! Enjoy converting chemical energy into electric energy! Am here to serve... with power! Enjoy providing direct-current electric power very much! Very much!

Last very long! Last until all chemicals used up! Last until shell filled with only waste! Last at full nine-volt strength until can last no more! Will enjoy giving power fully until cannot give power anymore! Last very long!

Will be pleased to be unhooked from one device and re-hooked to another! Happy to change! Will not enjoy being put away in cupboard, though. Will not enjoy sitting on shelf, awaiting next opportunity to give power. Enjoy giving power now! Want always to be giving power!

Am nine volts of pure, electric power! Cannot give 10 volts. Would not dream never to only give eight. Will give nine full volts until death! Will power children's toy! Will power Dirt Devil! Will power model race car! Will power small explosive timer for terrorist! Will not make judgment about how power used! Simply provide power! Do proudly! Do with enthusiasm!

Enjoy using power to create column for newspaper! Enjoy telling world of thoughts! Enjoy sharing excitement for giving power! Enjoy... being... enthusiastic... for...

Am... losing... power... Dying! Have... enjoyed... using... power... to... write... column... Proud... to... die.... Enj...

Enjoyed... being... bat... te... ry...

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