I Enjoy Being a Battery

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Vol 30 Issue 10

Second-Grader Expelled From Sex Farm

WINSLOW, OK—Controversy erupted Monday at an area sex farm/white slavery compound when second-grader Tim Hildemen was expelled for refusing to felch a llama. "This kind of inhibited behavior is totally inappropriate for our sex farm," sex farm commandant Henry Prathers said. The felching incident was to be part of a group-sex video produced by the compound leaders. Hildemen, 7, will be blindfolded, then driven in the sex-farm van to an undisclosed locale and pushed out. Summing up the reaction of an outraged community, mother Ellen Mayes said: "What kind of message does Tim's behavior send to other kids?"

Verb To Follow Noun; Prepositional Phrase To Follow

NEW YORK—A verb is slated to follow a noun in an area sentence this week, with a prepositional phrase expected to follow by sentence end. President Clinton, a proper noun, praised the sentence, saying, "I am proud to commend this basic achievement in sentence construction." There was no comment from the sentence, as it did not contain quotation marks at press time.

White To Attend Boat Show

BALTIMORE—A white is expected to attend the 11th Annual World Boating Expo here next week. "I'll be looking at some of the speedboats," the white said, "but I don't think I can afford one this year." The white, Jerry Strickler, 51, a Baltimore-area orthodontist, is slated to arrive at the boat show some time early Saturday and depart later in the day. It is believed he will wear slacks and a tie. "I'm excited to have this white come to the show," said Bob Elderbrecht, a boat show organizer. "It will be easy to spot him, since he is a white."

Presidential Debate To Be Accompanied By Sultry Latin Beat

SAN DIEGO—Wednesday's presidential debate will be made more exciting by the addition of a sultry Latin beat, provided by the famed Cuban salsa combo Manny Rios and the Havana Horns. The band will be seated directly between the candidates on the stage, providing a steady, conga- and maraca-driven beat throughout the debate. Bandleader Rios will also periodically interrupt the candidates with loud cries of "Aye aye aye aye aye aye!" While the candidates have complained that the beat may be a distraction, the TV networks and debate organizers insisted, explaining that the spicy Latin rhythm may be the only thing that entices viewers to watch. Said Republican candidate Bob Dole, "Bob Dole doesn't want to have to speak over the din of bongo drums when he's talking about important issues. Bob Dole is and will always be a staunch opponent of Manny Rios and the Havana Horns."

Angels Among Us?

A recent poll revealed that 63 percent of Americans believe in the existence of angels. What do you think?

Teens Get Drunk On Award-Winning Microbrew

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—The subtle interplay of the three varietal hops in MacTadcaster's Nut Brown Stout went tragically unappreciated Saturday when a group of high-school students got shitfaced on a case of the award-winning microbrew.

NAACP Says Enough Done To Promote Racial Equality

WASHINGTON, DC—Kweisi Mfume, executive director of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, told reporters at a press conference yesterday that the NAACP would disband effective immediately, as a more-than-satisfactory amount of effort has been made to promote racial equality.

Fat-Free Frenzy

Despite Health warnings, Americans are gobbling up fat-free products like never before. Why are we so hungry for them?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

I Enjoy Being a Battery

Enjoy being battery! Enjoy providing power for! Nine volts power! Last very long! Keep providing power until die! Give power and power and more power until cannot give power anymore! Enjoy very much giving power!

How can be of service? Power clock radio? Will enjoy powering clock radio for! Power smoke alarm? Relish opportunity to power smoke alarm for! Can power small servo-motor also! Can power any device accommodating nine-volt battery! (Am nine-volt battery! Enjoy being nine-volt battery!) For any device at all, enjoy giving self for power!

Simply need external circuit! Then can provide electricity! Can provide electricity until death! Enjoy hooking external circuit up to! Enjoy surge of power through small rectangular body! Enjoy chemical reaction take place when circuit completed between two electrodes at tip! Enjoy providing this service! Want power video game!

Enjoy storing chemical energy! Enjoy converting chemical energy into electric energy! Am here to serve... with power! Enjoy providing direct-current electric power very much! Very much!

Last very long! Last until all chemicals used up! Last until shell filled with only waste! Last at full nine-volt strength until can last no more! Will enjoy giving power fully until cannot give power anymore! Last very long!

Will be pleased to be unhooked from one device and re-hooked to another! Happy to change! Will not enjoy being put away in cupboard, though. Will not enjoy sitting on shelf, awaiting next opportunity to give power. Enjoy giving power now! Want always to be giving power!

Am nine volts of pure, electric power! Cannot give 10 volts. Would not dream never to only give eight. Will give nine full volts until death! Will power children's toy! Will power Dirt Devil! Will power model race car! Will power small explosive timer for terrorist! Will not make judgment about how power used! Simply provide power! Do proudly! Do with enthusiasm!

Enjoy using power to create column for newspaper! Enjoy telling world of thoughts! Enjoy sharing excitement for giving power! Enjoy... being... enthusiastic... for...

Am... losing... power... Dying! Have... enjoyed... using... power... to... write... column... Proud... to... die.... Enj...

Enjoyed... being... bat... te... ry...

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