adBlockCheck

I Enjoy The Occasional Tranq Dart

Top Headlines

Recent News

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Enjoy The Occasional Tranq Dart

I'm a regular lowland gorilla like anybody else. And sometimes, at the end of a particularly frantic and rampaging day, I need a little something to take the edge off.

I'm not proud of it, but then, I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, either. After a whole day of screeching territorial calls and rebounding off the walls of my artificial-ecosystem enclosure, I get pretty tense. And from time to time, yes, I do like to have a zookeeper pump me full of tranquilizers from an air-compression rifle dart.

The first time I took a hit, I fell hard. I clutched at the stinging sensation in my upper shoulder and roared with all my might. Must've put the fear of God into those poor schoolchildren, not to mention the rescue workers who were retrieving the one that "accidentally" fell into my pen (which is bull, by the way—that kid wanted to climb in). I felt disoriented and confused for a second, so I lashed out. I nearly pulled one of the zookeeper's arms out of the socket, and likely would have if my strength hadn't started to ebb.

But then I realized everything was okay. A warm, pleasant feeling of calm settled over me. It was a feeling I hadn't felt since the last time I was free, in the jungle eating twigs in the shade under a leafy rain-forest canopy, or maybe even earlier, when I was an infant suckling on my mother's sweet hairy bosom.

"This is great!" I thought. "I can feel the tension leaving my shoulders." And I'm not ashamed to admit that it's a feeling I've occasionally sought out again.

It's not a big deal. It's not as if I'm pumped up with wild-animal-management sedatives all day long. It's just those crazy days when you can't stop screaming and thumping your chest, and you need a little something to help you relax. Who among us hasn't bitten a handler's ear off? When you're bellowing at top volume and ripping your tire swing in half, a nice tranq dart can be just what the doctor ordered.

One thing is for sure: I don't have a tranquilizer dart "problem." I don't need to explain the kind of pressures a silverback living in captivity faces on a daily basis. First of all, consider my limited territorial-roaming capacity! That alone is enough to drive an ape to darts.

Or take swinging from the same old bars day in and day out. I don't think there's a single thing up there I haven't swung on at least a thousand times. It beats me how the monkeys can keep doing it without going mad with boredom.

Plus, there's the whole question of maintaining your place in the social hierarchy. Everybody on your ass all the time, trying to outroar you, or pound his chest more than you do, or make the smell of his urine dominate your areas of the habitat. It's a damned zoo.

It's hard to rise to a position of responsibility like mine, but keeping it is where the real work comes in. Every gorilla in captivity wants to be the alpha male, so I'm constantly on the offensive. I deserve to cut loose and let off a little steam with the occasional male-power display and subsequent dart.

And it's not like there's a lot of young females to go around, either. They keep the best-looking one in a special lab learning sign language. Most of the females seem infertile, anyway, and many are morose and uninvolved in the day-to-day competitive screeching of the group. So I get a little wound up now and then. Who wouldn't?

Take the day they left me in a temporary holding cage while they cleaned the display habitat. First off, it's a 10-by-8-foot space, so I'm rebounding off the walls like a racquetball inside of 20 minutes. Then, they put the cage right next to a holding pen with another alpha-male silverback in it. Hello?

After eight hours of that, I was ready to relax with a little shot in the arm. Sometimes celery and bananas aren't enough, you know? Does that make me a dart addict? I don't think so. But if you disagree, then go ahead and judge me. Be careful, though, because I could pound the living shit out of you once this dart wears off.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close