I Enjoy Yelling Things

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Vol 36 Issue 08

Real-Life Family Feud Offers No Fabulous Cash Prizes

LAS CRUCES, NM–Unlike the popular, long-running game show Family Feud, the real-life family feud among members of Las Cruces' DeCinces family does not offer contestants the chance to win exciting cash prizes. "When the hell are you gonna stop undermining every goddamn thing I say in front of the kids?" said Thomas DeCinces, 47, facing off against wife Brenda in the long-running feud, hosted neither by Richard Dawson nor the late Ray Combs. "Kevin and Amy think their father's a fucking joke, thanks to you. And you wonder why I'm out with the guys almost every night." Asked to name something her husband has given her during their 14-year marriage, Brenda said "heartache and misery." The response was the third most popular on the board behind "an alcohol problem" and "that six-inch scar on my throat."

Football Fan Disappointed By 'Super Tuesday'

ROCHESTER, NY–Robert Wychorski, a Rochester-area football fan, expressed disappointment in Super Tuesday, calling it "a pale shadow of Super Sunday." "Man, that completely blew," said Wychorski after watching four hours of Super Tuesday election coverage on CNN. "Where was the spectacular halftime show? Where were the clutch plays? And it wasn't even a close contest." Wychorski, who invited 15 friends over for a Super Tuesday party, said the biggest letdown was the commercials. "I was expecting to see some awesome new ads with special effects, but it was just the same old stuff," he said.

Ex-Marine Says This Rain Nothing

BESSEMER CITY, NC–According to area resident Larry Bohannon, 33, a member of the U.S. Marine Corps for seven years, this rain is nothing. "You call this rain? This ain't rain," Bohannon said to coworker Jeff Smalley, looking out the window of the Jiffy Lube where he now works. "I was stationed in the Philippines back in '93–they had tsunamis that ripped the palm trees right out of the ground." Continued Bohannon: "We'd do 400 push-ups every morning, even at the height of monsoon season. There'd be 50-foot waves crashing over us, but Sgt. Culpepper would make us keep going. Believe me, Jeff, you've never seen rain like that."

Fox Voluntarily Removes Reality From Programming

LOS ANGELES–Responding to public outcry over its controversial reality-based shows, Fox announced Monday that it is removing all reality from its programming. "We have heard the American TV viewer's dissatisfaction with reality and pledge never again to air any content that reflects it whatsoever," said Jonathan Quinlan, vice-president of programming for the embattled network. "From now on, Fox dramas and sitcoms will not contain any plotlines that are the least bit realistic, and such reality-based shows as Fox News At Nine will be canceled altogether." Quinlan noted that Ally McBeal will continue unchanged.

The Diallo Verdict

On Feb. 25, four NYPD officers were acquitted in the shooting of Amadou Diallo, a West African immigrant who died a year ago when he was shot 19 times after police mistook his wallet for a gun. What do you think of this controversial acquittal?

My Employees Of The Month

As an Onion reader, you know God-damned well that I did not rise to the position of Publisher by relying on you barely literate, gape-jawed Judases. Nor did I raise this news-paper to its present position as the finest in the Republic by leaning on the back-stabbing pack of boars that makes up my editorial staff. No, I did it with a special blend of low animal cunning, scandalous petticoats above the front-page fold, and the inherited millions that are my birth-right. T. Herman Zweibel needs no-one but him-self, and don't you forget it!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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I Enjoy Yelling Things

You'd think, judging from the way people react, that a good old-fashioned screaming at the top of one's lungs in the middle of the supermarket is some sort of breach of etiquette. These days, even something as innocuous as yelling, "Holy shit! They raised the price on the friggin' Fruity Oh's again?" to no one in particular is liable to get you tossed out of the Safeway.

That's the message our uptight, repressive society sends: The mere act of expressing yourself with a good, healthy holler is bad, an impulse that should be stifled. Well, I'm sorry, but freedom of speech is one of the basic principles of our democracy, and what is yelling but a fun, high-volume form of speaking?

If I live to be 110, I'll never understand why people get so upset about my little hobby. You'd think they never heard a blood-curdling shriek in their lives. Excuse me for living, all you tiptoeing church mice, but yelling is an enjoyable and exciting part of my day!

Why in the world would I want to meekly intone, "Pardon me, could you please direct me to housewares?" in a measured, modulated tone, when I could instead let out a hearty cry of, "Hey lady! Where the hell can a guy find a box of vacuum cleaner bags in this dump? Yeah, I'm talking to you! Who the fuck else would I be asking?" See how much more enjoyable it is when you allow yourself to put a little enthusiasm into the exchange?

Pardon me for trying to inject a little excitement into people's dreary, workaday lives. I mean, walking around on eggshells all the time, worried that your voice might accidentally carry a few extra hundred yards–what kind of a life is that? Only when you let loose with a roaring bellow from across the street at someone you've never met do you really start to feel alive.

You only go around on this crazy merry-go-round once, and I want to be noticed. I want to make a mark while I can. And I'll be damned if any police officer, psychiatric professional, or state-appointed social worker is going to tell me I'm not allowed to make myself heard.

Take waiting in line at the bank. Pretty dull, eh? Well, for most people it is. But for a "go-for-the-gusto" type like myself, even something as mundane as that can be an adventure. And it can be for you, too! Next time you're stuck in some long line at the bank, don't just stand there like a dumb post. Shout, "Come on! What's the hold-up, you assholes? I don't have all goddamn day!" Believe me, you'll be glad you did.

All it takes is the courage to overcome that initial shyness. Once you do, you'll realize there are all sorts of perfectly good reasons to scream. And in practically no time, you'll develop an extensive repertoire of interesting and enjoyable things to yell. Here's one: "Bastards! Die, you fucking bastards! I hope you burn in hell!" That one's good for all kinds of situations. Here's another "evergreen" that never goes out of style: "I'll eat your hearts on sticks, you ignorant swine!" I could go on and on.

If people just gave recreational yelling a chance, I bet they'd find they enjoy it as much as I do. Imagine the next time your kid is running around like a maniac at McDonald's. Why walk over to him and discipline him in a "mature," "responsible" manner when you can scream, "Michael! I told you to shut up and get over here, boy!" from all the way across the room, entertaining all of the other customers in the process?

Or, say you arrive late for a dinner reservation, and the hostess has already given your table to another patron. Sure, you could nicely ask for the next available table, but why do that when you could generate so much more drama and attention by loudly demanding to see the manager and insisting that the hostess lose her job, letting loose in a near-psychotic outburst of blistering vitriol?

You know, I'm not the only person who enjoys yelling: Lots of people do it all the time. I've seen it! And whenever they do, I make sure to gawk and stare, giving them the public attention they so obviously crave. I know they'd do the same for me if I were the one doing the yelling.

And you don't even need to yell actual words. A well-timed burst of moans and cries can work just as well as any coherent sentences you might think up. After all, it's not every day someone walks through an empty, acoustically perfect parking ramp in the middle of the night and suddenly, out of nowhere, hears an incomprehensible cross between a cat in heat and a dying walrus echoing all around them at maximum volume. It's an experience that person isn't likely to soon forget.

So the next time you feel the urge to raise your voice beyond a level considered acceptable in decent society, don't hesitate: Start yelling away. Yell at the cat, the neighbors' kids, the jetliners soaring across the sky 35,000 feet overhead. Who cares if the passengers can't hear you? The important thing is that you know who's yelling. I really enjoy yelling things and, believe me, you can, too. I'm sure if more people yelled unnecessarily every now and then, we'd all be the louder for it.

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