adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
End Of Section
  • More News

I Feel Like A Big Man

My name is Erwin Caswell, and my hobby is terrorizing young children. Why do I do such a thing? One reason and one only: It makes me feel like a big man.

It all started in first or second grade, I suppose. I was big for my age, even then. I loved to beat up younger, smaller kids and take their money, their candy, whatever. Often, the other kids would say things like, "Oh, I bet you feel like a big tough guy, beating up some kindergartener." And mister, they hit the nail on the head! That was exactly how I felt!

Throughout my teen years, I loved to hide behind trees when smaller kids came walking up the street; then I'd leap out and scream at the top of my lungs. You wouldn't believe how big that made me feel. I'd spread my arms out like a huge attacking bear, and they'd shrink and cower like tiny, helpless kittens. You'd have thought I was 20 times their size! Whenever I did that, people would say to me, "Feel like a big man now?" You got that right, Chucky! Certainly a lot bigger than the little children I terrified.

Even today, I hear the same criticisms. At my cousin's wedding, when the flower girl came down the aisle, I leapt into her path, grabbed her bouquet and stomped on it, laughing. And all through the reception, people were saying to me, "What, do you think you're a big man for picking on some little flower girl?" Well, duh! Thanks for pointing out the obvious! That girl couldn't have been more than 5–I was six times as big as her. Compared to her, I was a huge monster. How could I not feel big?

Sometimes people say, "Why don't you pick on someone your own size?" No, I think not. Someone my size would be more risky. I could really get hurt. A person my own size might work out a lot and might be able to pummel me with his sinewy muscles. He would likely send me sprawling into the corner with just one punch. Then how big would I feel? Not very. No, I think I'll stick with the current plan–picking on children who are much, much smaller.

Pretty soon, the Christmas season will be upon us. There's something I've always wanted to do: attend a local elementary-school Christmas pageant and heckle the performers, making them all cry. I think that would be great.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close