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I Feel Like A Big Man

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

I Feel Like A Big Man

My name is Erwin Caswell, and my hobby is terrorizing young children. Why do I do such a thing? One reason and one only: It makes me feel like a big man.

It all started in first or second grade, I suppose. I was big for my age, even then. I loved to beat up younger, smaller kids and take their money, their candy, whatever. Often, the other kids would say things like, "Oh, I bet you feel like a big tough guy, beating up some kindergartener." And mister, they hit the nail on the head! That was exactly how I felt!

Throughout my teen years, I loved to hide behind trees when smaller kids came walking up the street; then I'd leap out and scream at the top of my lungs. You wouldn't believe how big that made me feel. I'd spread my arms out like a huge attacking bear, and they'd shrink and cower like tiny, helpless kittens. You'd have thought I was 20 times their size! Whenever I did that, people would say to me, "Feel like a big man now?" You got that right, Chucky! Certainly a lot bigger than the little children I terrified.

Even today, I hear the same criticisms. At my cousin's wedding, when the flower girl came down the aisle, I leapt into her path, grabbed her bouquet and stomped on it, laughing. And all through the reception, people were saying to me, "What, do you think you're a big man for picking on some little flower girl?" Well, duh! Thanks for pointing out the obvious! That girl couldn't have been more than 5–I was six times as big as her. Compared to her, I was a huge monster. How could I not feel big?

Sometimes people say, "Why don't you pick on someone your own size?" No, I think not. Someone my size would be more risky. I could really get hurt. A person my own size might work out a lot and might be able to pummel me with his sinewy muscles. He would likely send me sprawling into the corner with just one punch. Then how big would I feel? Not very. No, I think I'll stick with the current plan–picking on children who are much, much smaller.

Pretty soon, the Christmas season will be upon us. There's something I've always wanted to do: attend a local elementary-school Christmas pageant and heckle the performers, making them all cry. I think that would be great.

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