I Feel Like A Big Man

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Vol 34 Issue 06

Saltless Pretzel Hangs Alone In Bulb-Heated Rack

ODESSA, TX–A saltless "Superpretzel" is still hanging alone in a bulb-heated rack at Horizon Lanes, officials for the Odessa-area bowling alley reported Tuesday. "Looks like there's just one left," said Mack Klausner, snack-bar manager for the 12-lane alley. "Guess nobody wants the one without salt." The oversized soft pretzel, priced at 99 cents, has been rotating in the glass-enclosed case since Sept. 2, when it was sprayed with water and dipped in salt along with 17 other pretzels. "All the salt fell off," Klausner said. "Maybe we should put some more on.

Subsidiary Publication Recommends You See Parent Corporation's Movie

NEW YORK–In its latest issue, People magazine, a Time Warner subsidiary publication, strongly urged readers to see Deadlock, a new Warner Bros. legal thriller starring Denzel Washington, Gene Hackman and Elisabeth Shue. "Our parent corporation has cooked up an edge-of-your-seat courtroom nail-biter that manages to out-Grisham Grisham," People's review read. "We are proud to be under the same umbrella conglomerate as this gripping roller-coaster ride of a movie." The issue, which features Washington on its cover, also contains reviews of six new albums from Time Warner subsidiary-label artists, including Better Than Ezra (Elektra) and Hootie & The Blowfish (Atlantic), as well as a profile of Katie Holmes, star of WB's Dawson's Creek.

Area Boyfriend Much Nicer Before Sex

SHREVEPORT, LA–Jordan Farmer, 22, boyfriend of Mindy Hodges, 20, is significantly nicer before sex, Hodges reported Monday. "Before we have sex, he's always really sweet to me, and he, like, tells me my hair looks nice and stuff. And if I'm upset about something, he listens and tells me that he loves me and that everything's going to be all right," Hodges said. "But then, afterwards, he stops listening to me, and he screams at me and says he's going to break up with me if I don't stop being so clingy and annoying." Hodges has vowed to make an effort to be less clingy and annoying.

Obese Man Impaled In Wicker-Chair Disaster

STAUNTON, VA–Coroners are listing "massive wicker trauma" as the official cause in Monday's death of 420-pound Staunton resident Tony Grushecky. "Forensic evidence indicates that the base of the chair in which Mr. Grushecky sat gave out at 5 p.m. Monday, with the collapse driving razor-sharp wicker spears upwards of two feet into his morbidly obese body," Augusta County Coroner Edward Reynoso told reporters. "In my 22 years as coroner here, I've never seen such a brutal wicker-chair impaling." Grushecky's enormous rolls of body fat were insufficient to protect him from the deadly spears, Reynoso said, and numerous vital organs were irreparably wickered.

Beanie Broker Urges Storkholders To Sell

NEW YORK–Anxious over wildly fluctuating conditions in the worldwide Beanie market, Manhattan-based Beanie broker Michelle Pivarnik is strongly urging U.S. storkholders to sell off holdings of "Storky The Stork" as soon as possible, it was reported Tuesday. "It is my opinion that Storky, which rose 40 cents on the Beanie Board Monday to close at $85 with the tags, has reached its peak value, and that a stork-market crash is all but imminent," Pivarnik said. "Beanie investors with a stork portfolio of five or more Storkys may want to consider keeping one in case of its unexpected retirement, but, by and large, Storky should be regarded as a high-risk Beanie to be avoided in future tradings." Pivarnik advised storkholders to redirect their assets into blue-chip Beanies like Tabasco The Red Bull, Baldy The Eagle and Inky The Octopus.

We're Sick And Tired Of Raising Your Young

Listen, humans, I am really starting to get tired of this crap. Get your shit together and learn to keep better track of your young, because we wolves are seriously sick of raising them.
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I Feel Like A Big Man

My name is Erwin Caswell, and my hobby is terrorizing young children. Why do I do such a thing? One reason and one only: It makes me feel like a big man.

It all started in first or second grade, I suppose. I was big for my age, even then. I loved to beat up younger, smaller kids and take their money, their candy, whatever. Often, the other kids would say things like, "Oh, I bet you feel like a big tough guy, beating up some kindergartener." And mister, they hit the nail on the head! That was exactly how I felt!

Throughout my teen years, I loved to hide behind trees when smaller kids came walking up the street; then I'd leap out and scream at the top of my lungs. You wouldn't believe how big that made me feel. I'd spread my arms out like a huge attacking bear, and they'd shrink and cower like tiny, helpless kittens. You'd have thought I was 20 times their size! Whenever I did that, people would say to me, "Feel like a big man now?" You got that right, Chucky! Certainly a lot bigger than the little children I terrified.

Even today, I hear the same criticisms. At my cousin's wedding, when the flower girl came down the aisle, I leapt into her path, grabbed her bouquet and stomped on it, laughing. And all through the reception, people were saying to me, "What, do you think you're a big man for picking on some little flower girl?" Well, duh! Thanks for pointing out the obvious! That girl couldn't have been more than 5–I was six times as big as her. Compared to her, I was a huge monster. How could I not feel big?

Sometimes people say, "Why don't you pick on someone your own size?" No, I think not. Someone my size would be more risky. I could really get hurt. A person my own size might work out a lot and might be able to pummel me with his sinewy muscles. He would likely send me sprawling into the corner with just one punch. Then how big would I feel? Not very. No, I think I'll stick with the current plan–picking on children who are much, much smaller.

Pretty soon, the Christmas season will be upon us. There's something I've always wanted to do: attend a local elementary-school Christmas pageant and heckle the performers, making them all cry. I think that would be great.

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