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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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I Fucked My Way Into This Mess, And I'll Fuck My Way Out

I'll say it. I like to fuck. I do it a lot. And sometimes it gets me into unfortunate situations. Like right now. Right now I am royally fucking fucked.

See, I went to this big dinner party the other night, trying to stay out of trouble, but lo and be-fucking-hold, who's there but one of the fuckfiends from our sales team, wearing fuck-me pumps and this little green skirt. So I fucked her. Twice. First time quick, second time slow. And then I fucked her friend Michelle (a great fuck), and Michelle's boyfriend, Alec, and his ex-girlfriend Rina, who's a fucking Persian sex goddess. Same bed, same night.

Fucking incredible fucking.

Then it hits me: Fuck. Rina is my boss's daughter, that fucking fuck Alec fucked my sister last year, and my damn wife told me last week that if I don't stop fucking other chicks she's going to "walk out that [fucking] door and never come back." And it takes a fuckload of nerve for my wife to say that.

But look, I'm not some two-bit fuck who fucks up and then expects some other fucknut to clean up his fucking mess. A man's got to take some responsibility or he'll never amount to shit. I fucked my way into this, and by God, I'll fuck my way out.

I'm so far the fuck up shit's creek, I can't see straight, but that's my own fucking problem. If I'm between a rock and a hard fuck, I'm going to choose the hard fuck every time. No regrets. I saw an out-of-this-fucking-world gorgeous piece of ass-meat, and I pounced like a fucking cougar. Any fuckhead who thinks I should have fucking walked away is a fucking fucktard and I'll say it to his fucking face, the fuckface.

But fuck if I know what to do next. If my mom were still alive, I'd cry on her fucking shoulder. Man, I really stuck my fucking cock in it this time.

I know a lot of fuckwads who wouldn't do fuck-all about this predicament, just fuck off for a while and wait for the whole thing to blow over. But you see, that's just not this motherfucker's style. What the fuck ever happened to accountability? I can be a real fuck, sure, but I fucking finish what I start, and not just when I'm fucking.

In the end, I only see one way out of this: more fucking. Much more. An all-out, nuts-in-the-guts fuckfest. Yes, one false-fucking-move and you're ass-first in a fucking genuine clusterfuck real fucking quick—but do I look like a green-eared sportfucker to you, fuckrod?

Item Number Fuck on my agenda? Swoop home like a fuck-falcon and fuck my old lady like I love her. Keep fucking the skirt girl, plus hot-fuck Rina to keep that screamer quiet. Then line up a pity-fuck-and-suck with that fat-fuck deli chick, roll on out for a balls-out fuckfest with the redhead twins (ménage-à-fucking-trois, for you French fucks), and a three-day, four-night fuck-stravagaza down to Mexi-fucking-co next weekend to see the fuckable Miss Esmerelda.

At the end of the day, I don't really give a fuck. These women can fuck me around, but they know not to take it too fucking far. You know why? Because you don't fuck with a fucker, that's why. And if you fuck with a fucker like me, you'll end up being the fuck that gets fucked. Simple as that.

Fuck.

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