I Got Some Shit To Be Thankful For

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Preparedness

Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

I Got Some Shit To Be Thankful For

Hola amigos. What's goin' down in your part of town? I know it's been a long time, been a long time, been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a whole heap of shit to deal with. First off, the brakes have started to go soft on my car, which really sucks. I gotta pump 'em about eight or ten times to come to a stop, and by then, I'm usually halfway through the intersection. I checked the brake pads, and they seem okay. I'm guessing it's the master cylinder. That's gotta be it... master cylinder. That's gonna be a bitch to fix.

On top of that, I twisted my ankle real bad at work a few days ago, and it still hasn't healed. See, I recently got a new job delivering pies for The Leaning Tower Of Pizza. You'd think that'd be an ideal job for a guy like me, what with a lot of driving around and cranking the tunes, but there's a lot of bullshit that goes with it. Last Friday, my manager Dawn was riding my ass all night, telling me I had to get those pies out faster, faster, faster. I told her I was going as fast as I could, and that she shouldn't get her undies in a bundle about it. I was so wound up from all of her hassling, by mid-shift I had to burn one in the car to keep my cool.

Well, this was some pretty powerful stuff. Must have been from Jamaica or Cuba or something like that, 'cause after pulling up to this one house to make a delivery, I got out of the car with my pie, and everything seemed to be going really slow. I walked up the porch steps and rang the bell. This dude, about 40 years old, opens the door and asks if it's his pizza. Well, here I am holding a pizza, so who the hell else would I be? I started cracking up.

So I'm standing there, baked off my ass, and he asks me how much the pizza is. It took me about a minute to check through all my pockets and find the receipt, and all the while, he's giving me the old fish-eye. I told him it was $15, and he gave me a $20 bill. I totally froze.

This was going to be a problem. I was so high I could barely count my arms, let alone count the change out of $20. I thought about it for a few seconds, weighing the pros and cons of attempting to give him his change stoned. If I ran off, I'd get to keep the extra few bucks. But I'd get sacked. Or worse, this guy might call the cops on me. Those pigs already have it in for old Jim Anchower. I don't wanna give 'em any other reason to bust my nuts. I hate pigs, man! Anyway, I figured I'd better try to make some change.

I pulled out a big wad of bills from my pocket, and my bag of weed fell out on the floor. I froze again. Fortunately, the dude didn't seem to notice the bag. I started counting and tried to figure out what to do. I could probably hide the bag under my foot. Only problem was, it landed real close to him. I decided to go for it anyway. As I started counting out the change, I sort of edged my foot in toward him. He looked at me, like he knew what I was up to. Shit! This guy was gonna try to nab my weed for himself. Or as evidence for the cops! I stopped counting and had to think of another plan.

As I started counting his change for a third time, I noticed that about five feet from me was one of those Big Wheel things. Must have belonged to the dude's kid. Acting fast, I kicked my bag under it. As I kicked, though, I brushed his leg and he looked down. Fortunately for my ass, it was a direct hit, and the bag slid right under the Big Wheel before he ever got the chance to notice.

My weed safe and sound under the Big Wheel, I finally relaxed enough to get his change right. He gave me a $2 tip and said thanks. I said, "You're welcome." But then he stared at me kinda funny and looked at the Big Wheel. Uh-oh. I figured he knew about the weed, and I was going to have to think of something fast.

I said, "Well, goodnight," and went back to the car. He was still watching me as I got in. I figured the best thing I could do was to circle around the block a few times and then go back for the weed when the coast was clear, if he hadn't already grabbed it and called the cops. This had to be like a commando mission where I sneaked up on the porch, grabbed my weed, and got away as quick as I could. After cruising around for about 15 minutes, I pulled back up to the house and made a break for it.

I got up to the porch and hit a squeaky floor board. I was in way too deep to turn back. I lifted the Big Wheel and snagged the weed. Just then, I heard someone get up inside the house. They must have heard me! I held on to that weed for dear life and vaulted over the side of the porch. Well, my right foot got caught in a bush as I landed, and that's when I sprained my ankle. It hurt like a motherfucker. I limped over to my car as fast as I could and hauled ass back to The Leaning Tower Of Pizza.

Well, the long and short of it is, I didn't have to work for the rest of the night. (I gave 'em some bullshit story about how I slipped off a curb.) Not only that, I got some days off on workman's comp. So this Thanksgiving, I am thankful that I was able to successfully retrieve my weed. And I'm thankful that I'm getting paid without working. I'm also thankful to have buds like Wes and Ron who will drop by with beer and grub so I don't have to stand up on my gimp leg for too long. And I'm thankful that I have tickets to the Dec. 22 Blue Öyster Cult show over at the Kane County Fairgrounds Pavilion. I ain't too thankful about the fact that I can't get out and do the town, though. Things are getting pretty soft without Jim Anchower to shake them up. But when I get back, I'll be in rare form, ready to cut loose like nobody's business.