I Got Some Shit To Be Thankful For

In This Section

Vol 35 Issue 43

Area Man Mentions That People Have Said He Looks Like Tom Cruise

PEORIA, IL—According to 44-year-old C&G Financial Services actuary Morris Brewer, numerous people have noted that he looks like Tom Cruise. "Yeah, I get the Tom Cruise thing a lot," said Brewer, standing within earshot of C&G office manager Teresa Litt. "A guy just told me that a few weeks ago when I took my car in for repairs. And this woman who lived across the hall from me used to always say it. I think it's the eyes. We both sort of have that stare." Brewer noted that he has also drawn comparisons to David Duchovny, "particularly in the hair."

Parking-Ramp Attendant Moves Slightly

HOUSTON—Parking-ramp attendant Bill Butler was detected making a slight movement Monday, sending shockwaves through the paid-parking industry. "He was sitting in his little booth, inert as usual, when his head turned about two degrees to the right," witness Lydia Ford said. "I thought I was seeing things, but then, about 30 seconds later, he shifted a tiny bit in his seat." Monday's incident is the first reported case of parking-attendant motion since 1983, when a San Diego ticket collector scratched his cheek.

Star Trek Fan Pretty Sure Show Stole His Idea

CHICO, CA—Star Trek fan Les Cordwainer said Monday he is "pretty sure" that the producers of Star Trek: Voyager stole his idea for an episode in which Captain Janeway finds herself growing attracted to First Officer Chakotay and worries about the effect such a romance would have on the smooth running of her ship. "I described a virtually identical scenario last May on alt.tv.star-trek.voyager, saying it would make a great episode," said Cordwainer following the airing of "Star-Crossed," in which the described events occur. "Why do they even pay writers if they're just going to steal their ideas off the Internet? They should be paying me." Responding to charges from fellow Internet users that his idea was for a Janeway-Tom Paris romance, Cordwainer said, "That just shows how they changed my idea around so I can't sue them."

Guitar-Instruction Manual Has Eddie Van Halen On Cover, 'Go Tell Aunt Rhody' Inside

ELIZABETH, NJ—Rock The House In 30 Days, a beginner-level guitar-instruction manual published by Elizabeth-based Learn-2-Play Books, features superstar rocker Eddie Van Halen in the midst of a raging guitar solo on the cover, and such traditional, public-domain songs as "Go Tell Aunt Rhody," "Greensleeves" and "Little Brown Jug" inside. "Get started on your way to playing awesome, brain-frying guitar solos like the master shredders," the cover proclaims. According to music-book collectors, the contents of Rock The House are identical to those of the classic 1943 guitar-instruction manual Strum Gaily The Mel Bay Way.

Driver Rules Out Driver Error In Crash

SPARTANBURG, SC—Driver error has been ruled out as the cause of a Nov. 20 crash that left two injured and caused more than $47,000 in damages, driver Dave Renker announced Monday. "After an exhaustive investigation of this crash, I have come to the definitive conclusion that the light was yellow when I went through that intersection," Renker said of the accident, in which his 1995 Honda Accord broadsided fellow Spartanburg resident Marilyn Cole's 1992 Buick Skylark at the intersection of International Drive and Route 40. "I will continue my probe until the cause of this crash is known. But at this point, we can at least rule out the 'Renker's Fault' theory." Renker said the focus of his investigation will now shift to Cole, whom he suspects may have been in a rush to get somewhere and entered the intersection before the light turned green.

Do The Right Thing

After much careful rumination, I have decided to make public a rather embarrassing matter about my-self. Although I very rarely disclose the particulars of my personal life, I realize that the information I am about to impart would doubt-less find it-self, in a scurrilous and distorted form, in the pages of The Police Gazette and other infamous publications which profit off the misfortune of others, particularly those of great wealth and stature. There-fore, I concluded, I had no choice but to announce the news my-self, so that the truth may be properly conveyed.

Trying Children As Adults

Last week, a Michigan jury convicted a 13-year-old boy of second-degree murder for a crime he committed as an 11-year-old. What do you think of the growing legal trend of trying children as adults?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Small Business

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

I Got Some Shit To Be Thankful For

Hola amigos. What's goin' down in your part of town? I know it's been a long time, been a long time, been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a whole heap of shit to deal with. First off, the brakes have started to go soft on my car, which really sucks. I gotta pump 'em about eight or ten times to come to a stop, and by then, I'm usually halfway through the intersection. I checked the brake pads, and they seem okay. I'm guessing it's the master cylinder. That's gotta be it... master cylinder. That's gonna be a bitch to fix.

On top of that, I twisted my ankle real bad at work a few days ago, and it still hasn't healed. See, I recently got a new job delivering pies for The Leaning Tower Of Pizza. You'd think that'd be an ideal job for a guy like me, what with a lot of driving around and cranking the tunes, but there's a lot of bullshit that goes with it. Last Friday, my manager Dawn was riding my ass all night, telling me I had to get those pies out faster, faster, faster. I told her I was going as fast as I could, and that she shouldn't get her undies in a bundle about it. I was so wound up from all of her hassling, by mid-shift I had to burn one in the car to keep my cool.

Well, this was some pretty powerful stuff. Must have been from Jamaica or Cuba or something like that, 'cause after pulling up to this one house to make a delivery, I got out of the car with my pie, and everything seemed to be going really slow. I walked up the porch steps and rang the bell. This dude, about 40 years old, opens the door and asks if it's his pizza. Well, here I am holding a pizza, so who the hell else would I be? I started cracking up.

So I'm standing there, baked off my ass, and he asks me how much the pizza is. It took me about a minute to check through all my pockets and find the receipt, and all the while, he's giving me the old fish-eye. I told him it was $15, and he gave me a $20 bill. I totally froze.

This was going to be a problem. I was so high I could barely count my arms, let alone count the change out of $20. I thought about it for a few seconds, weighing the pros and cons of attempting to give him his change stoned. If I ran off, I'd get to keep the extra few bucks. But I'd get sacked. Or worse, this guy might call the cops on me. Those pigs already have it in for old Jim Anchower. I don't wanna give 'em any other reason to bust my nuts. I hate pigs, man! Anyway, I figured I'd better try to make some change.

I pulled out a big wad of bills from my pocket, and my bag of weed fell out on the floor. I froze again. Fortunately, the dude didn't seem to notice the bag. I started counting and tried to figure out what to do. I could probably hide the bag under my foot. Only problem was, it landed real close to him. I decided to go for it anyway. As I started counting out the change, I sort of edged my foot in toward him. He looked at me, like he knew what I was up to. Shit! This guy was gonna try to nab my weed for himself. Or as evidence for the cops! I stopped counting and had to think of another plan.

As I started counting his change for a third time, I noticed that about five feet from me was one of those Big Wheel things. Must have belonged to the dude's kid. Acting fast, I kicked my bag under it. As I kicked, though, I brushed his leg and he looked down. Fortunately for my ass, it was a direct hit, and the bag slid right under the Big Wheel before he ever got the chance to notice.

My weed safe and sound under the Big Wheel, I finally relaxed enough to get his change right. He gave me a $2 tip and said thanks. I said, "You're welcome." But then he stared at me kinda funny and looked at the Big Wheel. Uh-oh. I figured he knew about the weed, and I was going to have to think of something fast.

I said, "Well, goodnight," and went back to the car. He was still watching me as I got in. I figured the best thing I could do was to circle around the block a few times and then go back for the weed when the coast was clear, if he hadn't already grabbed it and called the cops. This had to be like a commando mission where I sneaked up on the porch, grabbed my weed, and got away as quick as I could. After cruising around for about 15 minutes, I pulled back up to the house and made a break for it.

I got up to the porch and hit a squeaky floor board. I was in way too deep to turn back. I lifted the Big Wheel and snagged the weed. Just then, I heard someone get up inside the house. They must have heard me! I held on to that weed for dear life and vaulted over the side of the porch. Well, my right foot got caught in a bush as I landed, and that's when I sprained my ankle. It hurt like a motherfucker. I limped over to my car as fast as I could and hauled ass back to The Leaning Tower Of Pizza.

Well, the long and short of it is, I didn't have to work for the rest of the night. (I gave 'em some bullshit story about how I slipped off a curb.) Not only that, I got some days off on workman's comp. So this Thanksgiving, I am thankful that I was able to successfully retrieve my weed. And I'm thankful that I'm getting paid without working. I'm also thankful to have buds like Wes and Ron who will drop by with beer and grub so I don't have to stand up on my gimp leg for too long. And I'm thankful that I have tickets to the Dec. 22 Blue Öyster Cult show over at the Kane County Fairgrounds Pavilion. I ain't too thankful about the fact that I can't get out and do the town, though. Things are getting pretty soft without Jim Anchower to shake them up. But when I get back, I'll be in rare form, ready to cut loose like nobody's business.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More