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I Got This Killer Money-Making Idea

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

I Got This Killer Money-Making Idea

Hola, amigos. Whazzup? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a lot going on. First off, I've been living on a diet of bread and cheap-ass Corn King hot dogs for a week now, 'cause I've been broke as hell. See, I lost my job delivering newspapers after I decided I needed to take a little impromptu vacation to clear my head.

I gathered up all my cash, grabbed some clothes and headed off to Illinois to find Kevin Cronin from REO Speedwagon. It was sort of like a holy quest, if you know what I mean. But after one week of living out of my car and being hassled by the Illinois pigs, I decided I'd had enough and headed back home, quest unsuccessful. I wasn't upset, though. The important thing was that I cleared my head. Only problem was, when I got back, not only was my head clear, but so was my wallet and my schedule, 'cause my boss canned me on the spot for disappearing like that.

Anyway, none of that matters, 'cause I've got this new, sure-fire way to make money. Answer me this question: What's the number-one killer of cars? That's right—rust. And what is the number-one cause of rust? Salt. Sure, it may go good on an order of fries from any restaurant besides the crappy one I used to work at, but it ain't doing your car one bit of good.

So think about it: Where do they use road salt? Up north here. And what's the opposite of north? South. So, the way I figure it, they must have all kinds of cars that are in sweet condition down in places like Florida and Arizona. See, not only do they have no road salt down there, but they've also got shitloads of old geezers dropping like flies all the time. That's just the kind of place that'll have the type of car I'm looking for—some decent set of wheels owned by a little old lady who only drove it to church on Sundays before she keeled over. It'll have no rust on it and will be real cheap 'cause there's a million cars like that down there.

Now, in case you still don't see where this is going, I'll tell you. It would be real easy for two people to go down there, buy one of those cheap, old-person, no-rust cars, and bring it back up north to sell it. Why two people, you ask? Man, you must be stoned or stupid or both. You need two people to drive down in one car, and then you each drive one back. Piece of cake.

All I gotta do is convince Ron to go in on this with me. I don't know anyone else I can trust on this one. I brought up the idea to him once already, and he actually seemed into it. Problem was, he was pretty tanked at the time, and he didn't remember the idea the next day. I didn't have the energy to re-explain it to him, so now I'm waiting until it comes up again. Only this time, I'll wait until he's got just a slight buzz on. That way, he'll be loose enough to agree to it, but he won't be so fucked up that he won't remember what he agreed to. I'm tellin' you, this'll be sweet. It'll be like shooting fish in a barrel.

I ain't working for the man ever again. Mark my words. You're looking at the dawning of a new Jim Anchower. Just don't steal my idea, though, or I'll kick your ass all over the county. Don't fool yourself into thinking I won't find out, either. Believe me, I'll know.

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