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I Got What You Need

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Satisfaction

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I Got What You Need

You are looking very fine. I am serious.

But I am not here to tease you with words. Compliments and flattery are nice, but I can offer you much, much more. After you hear what I have to say, I am certain you will agree that I got what you need.

When we are together, I will not merely whisper into your ears sweet words that will melt your heart and prove to you that you are the most precious creature I have ever laid my eyes upon. No, in addition to such various whisperings, I will provide you with all the love a real woman like yourself requires. I will pamper you. I will wine you and dine you. I will make your dreams come true.

I will sex you wild.

First, I will take you to the finest in entertainment and shows. Together, we will enjoy the ballet, the opera and Luther. I will dress in an expensive silk suit and take you by the hand and lead you to our exclusive box seats at the concert. We will be surrounded by the majesty of the arts, including a theater that is very old and has seats that are upholstered with luxurious red velvet. It will be exquisite.

I will then provide you with fine dining. We will consume a meal at the finest four-star restaurant in the city. We will be served lobster, oysters, caviar and cheese. I will order this meal in French, which will make you wet. We will be served fine wine, french bread and corn. It will be a meal for a king and queen.

There will also be cloth napkins.

Upon completion of the meal, I will take you on a walk through the park. The lights of the city will sparkle around us. The moon will be visible, as well. We will take a ride in a luxurious limousine that contains a TV, all at my expense. I will provide the $70 necessary for this romantic ride.

Girl, it will then be time for me to give you my love. We will return to my lavish apartment, and I will remove all your clothes, including your bra, your panties and your socks. I will take my time and not make a single mistake.

I will then direct you to my bedroom, where I have a king-sized bed. I have satin sheets that have been imported from the most prestigious satin-producing country within the entire Orient. These sheets will be sparkling clean, as they will have been washed with only the finest laundry detergents and cleaning agents purchasable at the local grocery.

I will then lavish kisses upon your body. Slow and passionate kisses that will seem to last forever and penetrate you deep within your skin. All the while, I will whisper various things. "Girl, you are fine," I will say. "Woman, I want you to ride me."

Then, I will stick it in you in the most romantic manner possible. And even though we will make love the whole night through, you will scream for more.

Girl, let me repeat it for you–I got what you need. I promise.

Peace.

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