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I Got What You Need

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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I Got What You Need

You are looking very fine. I am serious.

But I am not here to tease you with words. Compliments and flattery are nice, but I can offer you much, much more. After you hear what I have to say, I am certain you will agree that I got what you need.

When we are together, I will not merely whisper into your ears sweet words that will melt your heart and prove to you that you are the most precious creature I have ever laid my eyes upon. No, in addition to such various whisperings, I will provide you with all the love a real woman like yourself requires. I will pamper you. I will wine you and dine you. I will make your dreams come true.

I will sex you wild.

First, I will take you to the finest in entertainment and shows. Together, we will enjoy the ballet, the opera and Luther. I will dress in an expensive silk suit and take you by the hand and lead you to our exclusive box seats at the concert. We will be surrounded by the majesty of the arts, including a theater that is very old and has seats that are upholstered with luxurious red velvet. It will be exquisite.

I will then provide you with fine dining. We will consume a meal at the finest four-star restaurant in the city. We will be served lobster, oysters, caviar and cheese. I will order this meal in French, which will make you wet. We will be served fine wine, french bread and corn. It will be a meal for a king and queen.

There will also be cloth napkins.

Upon completion of the meal, I will take you on a walk through the park. The lights of the city will sparkle around us. The moon will be visible, as well. We will take a ride in a luxurious limousine that contains a TV, all at my expense. I will provide the $70 necessary for this romantic ride.

Girl, it will then be time for me to give you my love. We will return to my lavish apartment, and I will remove all your clothes, including your bra, your panties and your socks. I will take my time and not make a single mistake.

I will then direct you to my bedroom, where I have a king-sized bed. I have satin sheets that have been imported from the most prestigious satin-producing country within the entire Orient. These sheets will be sparkling clean, as they will have been washed with only the finest laundry detergents and cleaning agents purchasable at the local grocery.

I will then lavish kisses upon your body. Slow and passionate kisses that will seem to last forever and penetrate you deep within your skin. All the while, I will whisper various things. "Girl, you are fine," I will say. "Woman, I want you to ride me."

Then, I will stick it in you in the most romantic manner possible. And even though we will make love the whole night through, you will scream for more.

Girl, let me repeat it for you–I got what you need. I promise.

Peace.

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