I Got What You Need

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Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Originality

I Got What You Need

You are looking very fine. I am serious.

But I am not here to tease you with words. Compliments and flattery are nice, but I can offer you much, much more. After you hear what I have to say, I am certain you will agree that I got what you need.

When we are together, I will not merely whisper into your ears sweet words that will melt your heart and prove to you that you are the most precious creature I have ever laid my eyes upon. No, in addition to such various whisperings, I will provide you with all the love a real woman like yourself requires. I will pamper you. I will wine you and dine you. I will make your dreams come true.

I will sex you wild.

First, I will take you to the finest in entertainment and shows. Together, we will enjoy the ballet, the opera and Luther. I will dress in an expensive silk suit and take you by the hand and lead you to our exclusive box seats at the concert. We will be surrounded by the majesty of the arts, including a theater that is very old and has seats that are upholstered with luxurious red velvet. It will be exquisite.

I will then provide you with fine dining. We will consume a meal at the finest four-star restaurant in the city. We will be served lobster, oysters, caviar and cheese. I will order this meal in French, which will make you wet. We will be served fine wine, french bread and corn. It will be a meal for a king and queen.

There will also be cloth napkins.

Upon completion of the meal, I will take you on a walk through the park. The lights of the city will sparkle around us. The moon will be visible, as well. We will take a ride in a luxurious limousine that contains a TV, all at my expense. I will provide the $70 necessary for this romantic ride.

Girl, it will then be time for me to give you my love. We will return to my lavish apartment, and I will remove all your clothes, including your bra, your panties and your socks. I will take my time and not make a single mistake.

I will then direct you to my bedroom, where I have a king-sized bed. I have satin sheets that have been imported from the most prestigious satin-producing country within the entire Orient. These sheets will be sparkling clean, as they will have been washed with only the finest laundry detergents and cleaning agents purchasable at the local grocery.

I will then lavish kisses upon your body. Slow and passionate kisses that will seem to last forever and penetrate you deep within your skin. All the while, I will whisper various things. "Girl, you are fine," I will say. "Woman, I want you to ride me."

Then, I will stick it in you in the most romantic manner possible. And even though we will make love the whole night through, you will scream for more.

Girl, let me repeat it for you–I got what you need. I promise.

Peace.