I Gotta Learn To Watch My Mouth

In This Section

Vol 32 Issue 18

Supreme Court Overturns Car

WASHINGTON, DC—The Supreme Court overturned a 1978 Ford Pinto Sunday, ending the car's "wheels on the ground" position.

Rick Moranis To Star In Straight-To-Video Release Honey, I Shrunk Some More Shit

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Disney Pictures announced Monday that it has signed Rick Moranis to star in Honey, I Shrunk Some More Shit, the 27th production in the ongoing TV and film franchise. "All heck breaks loose when the family’s lawn mower is shrunk to the size of a little toy mower," Disney CEO Michael Eisner told reporters. "And then the refrigerator shrinks. Then the family’s new piano, then the guy who checks the gas meter, then, for an over-the-top climax, the oldest son’s bicycle." Said Moranis: "Basically, I’m going to be running around the house, shrinking a whole bunch of shit."

Enormous Man Spends Another Day Indoors

DECATUR, IL—Area large man Lawrence Schickle reinforced his sedentary lifestyle Sunday with the decision to remain in bed all day. "I shall not venture out of doors for the remainder of the weekend," the morbidly obese Schickle said. "I may not even go to the bathroom if I can possibly postpone it until Monday morning." Citing exhaustion from the previous Tuesday’s taping of a Simon & Simon rerun, Schickle said he would spend the day watching cable TV and eating institutional-sized cans of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee Beef Ravioli.

Longtime Employee Given Small Pewter Object

ROANOKE, VA—Thomas Campa, a retiring 40-year employee of Wadman & Long Distributing, was presented with a small pewter object Tuesday in recognition of his four decades with the company. "This is our way of saying ‘Thank you’ for all you have given Wadman & Long over the years," CEO Michael Dutler said. The pewter object, described by witnesses as "shiny," was nestled in an attractive cardboard display case, cushioned by a perforated imitation-velvet card. The object was bestowed upon Campa in an approximately one-minute ceremony at his desk at 4:54 p.m., after which cake was served. Campa, who has reportedly missed eight days of work in his career, observed the milestone privately later that night by finishing a bottle of Tanqueray gin.

Nation Horrified By Freakish Multiple Birth

KEARNEY, NE—In these oft-troubled times, it sometimes seems like all America needs is a little hope—some miraculous, life-affirming tale of small-town triumph that puts all the pain and struggle into perspective and reminds us of what life is really all about.

Uncle Sam Is A Bastard

Yes, I know Uncle Sam, know him very well. He's a god-damn rat bastard scoundrel, and if I ever lay eyes on him again I'll stab him in the throat. It is I who deserves to be the emblem of our great Republic, not that foppish pansy, putting on airs with his starred waist-coat and his red-striped pantaloons and the like.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Partying

Late Night

I Gotta Learn To Watch My Mouth

Hola amigos. What up? Me, I've been better. You see, my damn engine busted on my car, so I had to unload it. There was no way I was gonna dump $2,000 into a car I paid $750 for, so I took off the good tires, the kick-ass stereo and the battery, and I sold it to the junkyard for $50.

I hated to see it go, but it's not like I can't find another beater for under a thou. Not a man of my resources, anyway. I've got my feelers out at all times, in the event of such an emergency, so I've always got a line on a sweet car.

Anyway, on top of my car troubles, I've been working third shift as a security guard at this warehouse. Man, what a shit job. The first few nights were fine—I just took it easy. Pretty soon, though, I started getting tired of just sitting there, doing nothing, so I started running around the warehouse, making like I was Bruce Willis chasing down terrorists.

I was having a great time, fake-shooting everything in sight. But then, this one time, my gun accidentally went off. Fortunately, I just took a chunk out of the wall. It's cool, though, 'cause I covered the hole up with a big piece of duct tape. Nobody's said anything yet, so I figure I'm in the clear.

Ever since then, I've played it careful, just toking up and zoning out. One good thing about the job is, there's no boss around to ride my ass, but, man, I'm about to go out of my gourd with boredom!

Those are problems, but they ain't nothing Jim Anchower hasn't tackled before. My main concern these days is the fact that, without a car, I can't hear my favorite morning DJs, KBLZ's "Danger" Dave Mielicki and his sidekick Stu "The Animal" Thorne. Now, I know in my last column I told you that radio is for rejects, but there's no rule that doesn't have an exception. Man, Dave and Stu play the best tunes! They hit all the best in classic rock without playing that weak shit like U2, and they play a Zeppelin track like every hour! Some of 'em are even from the vaults, stuff I never even heard before.

And, man, the things they say just crack me up! I mean, there's nothing these two ain't afraid to talk about. No topic is too randy for these guys. One time, they were talking about pecker implants, and Dave was saying he should get one because his dong is so small. It's not like I can relate or anything, but I sure was busting a gut.

Listeners are always calling in to sound off about any topic they want. Now, as you know, my mind is always working overtime, and I've got a lot of stuff to get off my chest. So, this one time, I was driving around, going nowhere in particular, when I decided I had some things I wanted to sound off to Dave and Stu about. I pulled into the parking lot of an Amoco and got to a pay-phone in a hurry.

I had about $1.75 worth of change on me, so I started pumping it in, hoping I would get through to Dave and Stu. The line was busy the first few times, but I eventually got through. Man, was I stoked! Only problem was, it was a wrong number. Apparently, I had misdialed in my haste.

I tried a few more times, getting more and more pissed off with each busy signal. Finally, just when I was about to call it quits, the line rang, and it was the radio station. The guy who answered said there were about five callers on the air before me, so I should take it easy, and that they'd let me know when I was about to get on the air.

I was gonna tell the guy to step it up 'cause I was on a pay-phone, but he put me on hold too fast. While I was waiting, they had the show playing over the phone, so I could tell what was on the air without having to listen to my radio. The first guy on was talking about how he'd like to see us go and kick Saddam Hussein's ass like we did last year. Like that ain't a tired enough topic. That guy was weak. Meanwhile, I had to drop in another quarter because my five minutes were up.

The second caller must have gotten tired of waiting, 'cause he wasn't even there when they got to him. (I could relate to that.) I don't even know what the third guy said. He was wheezing like a geezer. He was probably over-excited about being on the radio. What a loser! I wasn't gonna be anything like that when I got on the air. I was gonna play it cool, so that listeners all over the whole tri-state area would know that Jim Anchower was the voice of authority coming to set them straight.

The fourth caller came on, and, as it turned out, it was that no-good "friend" of mine Ron. What a dickweed! Not only does he mooch my money and my beer, but now he mooches my valuable radio time! And, boy, did he sound like a jackass. First off, he had the radio on, so there was this awful feedback. (Like everyone doesn't know not to do that by now!) Then he spent about five minutes acting like a total lame, going off about how great it was to be on with Dave and Stu.

Meanwhile, I had to drop in another quarter to get three more minutes of time, and Ron started going off about how he wants to hear less talk and more rock. I could have just beat his ass when he said that. I hear this crap when I'm hanging around with him, and now I have to sit there on hold at some gas-station pay-phone with no choice but to listen to him yammer about the same stuff on the radio.

Finally, after about 25 minutes and a whole shitload of change, the guy who I talked to at the start came back on and told me there would be a few commercials and a news break, and then I'd be up. Well, after waiting so long to get on, I really had some things to say. I sat there, listening to commercials that seemed to go on forever, then a long-ass news break. All the while, I had to keep pumping in change, paying to listen to the same stuff I could get for free on my car radio. I was putting in my last nickel when my favorite radio duo came back on the air.

Finally, Dave said, "Okay, Jim, you're on the air." Without even thinking about it, I go, "It's about fuckin' time." Now, we all know, amigos, that that's one of the seven dirty words you can't say on the air. So Dave said, "Sorry, caller, you can't say that on the air. We're gonna have to let you go," and he cuts me off.

Man, was I pissed! My one shot at setting a lot of things straight for a lot of people, and I blew it. If nothing else, I would have at least made up for the lameness that was Ron. One way or another, I've got to get back on that show and get my message out to people. Not that you ain't people, hombres. It's just that I woulda had a chance to let people actually hear the real me. That woulda been the best.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More