adBlockCheck

I Guess I'm Sort Of Like The 'Dad' Of This Family

Top Headlines

Recent News

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Guess I'm Sort Of Like The 'Dad' Of This Family

Man, do I get a kick out of these kids. Take Scott, for instance. He's got one hell of a throwing arm. Burns 'em right into the glove. Diana's really growing up to be quite a beautiful and intelligent young lady. Not to mention that Bradley, Jr.—what a cutup! Where he gets his sense of humor, I'll never know. We haven't spent a ton of time together, sure, but I get the feeling they like me, too, in their own way. I suppose you could even call me the "dad" of our little group.

If you wanted to put a label on it.

I'm not saying I think of myself as their "father" in a literal sense. God, no! The last thing these kids need is someone just hanging around, telling them how the world works. But I'll admit, I do take on a bit of a dad vibe when I'm palling around with these offspring of mine. Not in the sense of providing for them, or buying them food and clothing, or acknowledging we share 23 chromosomes in common, but, I don't know…I'm usually the one who drives. And I am the oldest.

Yeah, I could see how someone might see us at the mall and mistake me for the father of this family, which, if you knew me, is pretty hilarious. I'm a whole lot of things—a brother, a hiker, a heating and cooling specialist, a concerned party in the matter of Parnett v. Parnett—but a dad? That's a stretch. I certainly never think of myself that way.

Although, yes, there is the whole being- responsible-for-their-conception thing. And I'm sort of like the "dad" about getting to pick the TV channel. But other than that, they're really more like three people who enjoy hanging out every other weekend and bringing me beers.

Besides, if I were the "dad" of our little familial group, I'd do things like play catch with them and bandage their wounds. Teach them how to ride a bike. What, are you going to start calling every guy who shows up every once in a while for, like, 10 years or so 'Dad'? That's silly. So silly, in fact, that I've asked them to stop doing it in public.

No, at this point in my life, I really wouldn't describe myself as the paternal type. At least, not seriously, or on official records or birthday cards.

But, fine, okay. If you want to break it down and categorize my relationship to my children, if we absolutely have to pigeonhole me in some neat little column, then yes: You could call me their "biological father."

To be honest, I've always thought of myself as more of an uncle.

Oh, what's the difference? After all, what harm can come from letting these kids think of me as their big ol' dad for a couple of days a month? They could use a father figure more than anyone I know. Someone to look up to, someone they feel they can count on to protect them from danger and let them enjoy their carefree youth for just a little while longer. So if imagining me, the man who impregnated their mother, as their "dad" makes them happy—who am I to ask them to please call me Brad?

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close