adBlockCheck

I Guess Now Would Be As Good A Time As Any To Triumph Over Adversity

Top Headlines

Recent News

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Guess Now Would Be As Good A Time As Any To Triumph Over Adversity

They say that in every man's life there comes a time of reckoning when, faced with impossible odds, he must reach deep inside his soul and find the strength to rise to the occasion. I've never really gathered my strength and I haven't really risen to many occasions. I guess I couldn't say I've ever triumphed over adversity before. But I guess now might be as good a time as any.

It's just that, frankly, I'm kinda tired.

Then again, I really don't have much choice. Chaos and crisis surround me. Trouble is bearing down. It's a relentless assault that I'll only be able to beat back with pure conviction. I'm the only one on God's green earth who can do what needs to be done. I guess I have to ascend to soaring heights, don't I?

Aw, Christ, I don't want to save the day, though. It's going to be such a hassle. But maybe triumphing over adversity is something you just bite the bullet and do. With the enemy at the gate and wolves howling in the distance, this would be the moment to figure that out. Get out there and, you know, man the balustrades or whatever. Ugh, I hate that. On one hand, I'm facing the destruction of everything I hold dear if I don't act. On the other hand, um... oh, whatever whatever.

So, technically, I guess, if I were to triumph now, it'd be an inspirational tale of true-life heroism in the face of near-certain defeat—the kind of story that makes people want to stand up and cheer. But really, I mean, come on, so what? Is it really worth the toil? Who knows? I sure don't. I've never triumphed over anything in my life. Maybe that's why my situation is so dire in the first place. Then again, maybe not. Maybe it would have happened just the same even if I had been defiantly taking stands all along. Hell, what do I know? I'm no triumphing-over-adversity expert.

I really can't keep putting it off, though. If I do, the adversity might grow that much worse. Then I'll have to shine out like a beacon of hope in total darkness. That'd really suck. I sure hope the whole "discovering the inner strength I never knew I had" part comes soon.

Well, I guess I can sorta picture me, brow furrowed, conveying a brand-new sense of purpose and determination, leaping into action, facing down the obstacles, and rising from this couch to boldly go forth into the fray. I don't suppose I could take these Cheetos with, huh? No, I guess not.

You want the truth? I'm just not up for a moment of unprecedented human achievement right now. Maybe after I finish watching the rest of this Seinfeld episode, I'll be in the mood to discover my previously untapped wells of courage and power. But maybe I'll take a nap first. If I go to bed right now, I could get a good night's rest, then get up early to conquer my demons in the morning. Yeah, makes sense—I should start in the morning. I know I'm faced with countless challenges right now, but if I get a solid night's sleep, I'll have a fresh start to gloriously triumph over adversity tomorrow.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close