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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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I Guess Now Would Be As Good A Time As Any To Triumph Over Adversity

They say that in every man's life there comes a time of reckoning when, faced with impossible odds, he must reach deep inside his soul and find the strength to rise to the occasion. I've never really gathered my strength and I haven't really risen to many occasions. I guess I couldn't say I've ever triumphed over adversity before. But I guess now might be as good a time as any.

It's just that, frankly, I'm kinda tired.

Then again, I really don't have much choice. Chaos and crisis surround me. Trouble is bearing down. It's a relentless assault that I'll only be able to beat back with pure conviction. I'm the only one on God's green earth who can do what needs to be done. I guess I have to ascend to soaring heights, don't I?

Aw, Christ, I don't want to save the day, though. It's going to be such a hassle. But maybe triumphing over adversity is something you just bite the bullet and do. With the enemy at the gate and wolves howling in the distance, this would be the moment to figure that out. Get out there and, you know, man the balustrades or whatever. Ugh, I hate that. On one hand, I'm facing the destruction of everything I hold dear if I don't act. On the other hand, um... oh, whatever whatever.

So, technically, I guess, if I were to triumph now, it'd be an inspirational tale of true-life heroism in the face of near-certain defeat—the kind of story that makes people want to stand up and cheer. But really, I mean, come on, so what? Is it really worth the toil? Who knows? I sure don't. I've never triumphed over anything in my life. Maybe that's why my situation is so dire in the first place. Then again, maybe not. Maybe it would have happened just the same even if I had been defiantly taking stands all along. Hell, what do I know? I'm no triumphing-over-adversity expert.

I really can't keep putting it off, though. If I do, the adversity might grow that much worse. Then I'll have to shine out like a beacon of hope in total darkness. That'd really suck. I sure hope the whole "discovering the inner strength I never knew I had" part comes soon.

Well, I guess I can sorta picture me, brow furrowed, conveying a brand-new sense of purpose and determination, leaping into action, facing down the obstacles, and rising from this couch to boldly go forth into the fray. I don't suppose I could take these Cheetos with, huh? No, I guess not.

You want the truth? I'm just not up for a moment of unprecedented human achievement right now. Maybe after I finish watching the rest of this Seinfeld episode, I'll be in the mood to discover my previously untapped wells of courage and power. But maybe I'll take a nap first. If I go to bed right now, I could get a good night's rest, then get up early to conquer my demons in the morning. Yeah, makes sense—I should start in the morning. I know I'm faced with countless challenges right now, but if I get a solid night's sleep, I'll have a fresh start to gloriously triumph over adversity tomorrow.

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