I Guess Now Would Be As Good A Time As Any To Triumph Over Adversity

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Vol 40 Issue 27

Sara Gilbert Crush Finally Starting To Subside

STEVENS POINT, WI—Area accountant James Perloff's crush on actress Sara Gilbert, best known for her portrayal of sarcastic teenager Darlene Conner on the sitcom Roseanne, has finally started to wane, the 30-year-old reported Monday. "I saw [Gilbert] on a talk show yesterday and my heart barely fluttered. When I was in high school, if Darlene walked on screen, my chest would absolutely pound," Perloff said. "Maybe I've turned a corner on this thing." Perloff said he first detected the waning of his crush when he neglected to see Riding In Cars With Boys in the theater.

Cashier Learning Valuable But Illegal Job Skills

BUTTE, MT—Three weeks into his first job, part-time Big Sky Foods cashier Vance Freeman is picking up invaluable but criminal workplace skills, the 16-year-old reported Monday. "This is just a minimum-wage job, but by taking the initiative to skim the till, I'm preparing for my future," Freeman said, as he surreptitiously slipped three quarters into his pocket. "Someday, I'll be able to apply my knowledge to a lucrative career in white-collar crimes like embezzlement, insider trading, maybe even fraud." Freeman said he's looking forward to his break, when Greg the produce guy will show him how to prop open the service entrance so he can sneak food out to his car.

Al-Qaeda Hires Public-Relations Consultant Just To Shoot Him

BAGHDAD—Al-Qaeda operative Mullah Hashem hired Elliot Dobin, a consultant for the Boston public-relations firm Schneider & Koff, for the sole purpose of murdering him, sources reported Monday. "The al-Qaeda have taken such a beating in the press that we figured they wanted to clean up their media image, so we sent our best guy," firm partner Jerry Koff said. "But Elliot had barely shaken everyone's hand when Hashem and his guards shoved him up against the wall and shot him in the back of the head. He didn't even get to show them his PowerPoint presentation." Bergman said he'll confront Hashem about the incident as soon as he figures out a way to spin Dobin's shooting into a positive.

Fahrenheit 9/11

Michael Moore's documentary Fahrenheit 9/11 has broken box-office records, but some Bush supporters say it's flawed. What is the basis of their objections?

Count Those Blessings

Whew! Boy, Jeanketeers, having Type 2 diabetes is no picnic. (Pun definitely intended!) To a person who believes in living life to the fullest and treating herself well, diabetes' constraints can be painful, to say the least. I always figured diabetics just took medication to regulate their insulin levels, but nope. I have to eat a diet lower in fat and calories, get regular exercise, and, most yucko of all, test my blood-sugar levels before meals by pricking my finger and taking a reading of the blood on a glucometer. A real bummer when you're dying to dig into your yummy (not!) salad. Also, I have to check my feet every day. (Don't ask.) It's a real bummer, too, especially since I have a little trouble with the reach. (I don't even wear shoes with laces!)

The Interest-Rate Hike

Last week, the Federal Reserve raised a key short-term interest rate for the first time in four years. What do you think?
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I Guess Now Would Be As Good A Time As Any To Triumph Over Adversity

They say that in every man's life there comes a time of reckoning when, faced with impossible odds, he must reach deep inside his soul and find the strength to rise to the occasion. I've never really gathered my strength and I haven't really risen to many occasions. I guess I couldn't say I've ever triumphed over adversity before. But I guess now might be as good a time as any.

It's just that, frankly, I'm kinda tired.

Then again, I really don't have much choice. Chaos and crisis surround me. Trouble is bearing down. It's a relentless assault that I'll only be able to beat back with pure conviction. I'm the only one on God's green earth who can do what needs to be done. I guess I have to ascend to soaring heights, don't I?

Aw, Christ, I don't want to save the day, though. It's going to be such a hassle. But maybe triumphing over adversity is something you just bite the bullet and do. With the enemy at the gate and wolves howling in the distance, this would be the moment to figure that out. Get out there and, you know, man the balustrades or whatever. Ugh, I hate that. On one hand, I'm facing the destruction of everything I hold dear if I don't act. On the other hand, um... oh, whatever whatever.

So, technically, I guess, if I were to triumph now, it'd be an inspirational tale of true-life heroism in the face of near-certain defeat—the kind of story that makes people want to stand up and cheer. But really, I mean, come on, so what? Is it really worth the toil? Who knows? I sure don't. I've never triumphed over anything in my life. Maybe that's why my situation is so dire in the first place. Then again, maybe not. Maybe it would have happened just the same even if I had been defiantly taking stands all along. Hell, what do I know? I'm no triumphing-over-adversity expert.

I really can't keep putting it off, though. If I do, the adversity might grow that much worse. Then I'll have to shine out like a beacon of hope in total darkness. That'd really suck. I sure hope the whole "discovering the inner strength I never knew I had" part comes soon.

Well, I guess I can sorta picture me, brow furrowed, conveying a brand-new sense of purpose and determination, leaping into action, facing down the obstacles, and rising from this couch to boldly go forth into the fray. I don't suppose I could take these Cheetos with, huh? No, I guess not.

You want the truth? I'm just not up for a moment of unprecedented human achievement right now. Maybe after I finish watching the rest of this Seinfeld episode, I'll be in the mood to discover my previously untapped wells of courage and power. But maybe I'll take a nap first. If I go to bed right now, I could get a good night's rest, then get up early to conquer my demons in the morning. Yeah, makes sense—I should start in the morning. I know I'm faced with countless challenges right now, but if I get a solid night's sleep, I'll have a fresh start to gloriously triumph over adversity tomorrow.

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