adBlockCheck

Recent News

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
End Of Section
  • More News

I Guess When My Older Brother Said 'Let's Bomb The Boston Marathon,' I Should Have Said No

I’ve had a lot of time to think the last few days as I’ve been sitting here in my hospital bed. I’ve reflected on my life and the choices I’ve made, and I’ve tried to figure out exactly where things really took a turn for the worse for me.

And after much reflection, I think I’ve finally pinpointed the moment. Given all that’s happened over the last week—a shootout with police that left my brother dead, my botched suicide attempt, and my subsequent capture by federal authorities as I lay bleeding to death in a total stranger’s yard—I’m starting to think that maybe when Tamerlan first said “Let’s bomb the Boston Marathon,” I should have said no.

Like, maybe if I had said “No, I don’t want to do that” when my brother asked me if I wanted to set off a series of deadly explosions that would kill or seriously injure dozens of innocent people, then that might have actually worked out better for me. That’s sort of the feeling I’m getting lately, at least.

It’s funny, you know. As time goes by, the more I’m starting to see how, if you think about it, it’s almost like there were two different ways to go at that particular moment and, unfortunately, I might have chosen the wrong way to go. For instance, if I had decided at that moment to, say, immediately warn the police that my brother was plotting to bomb a highly populated public area in the middle of Boston on April 15th, and then if I’d called my parents to let them know their eldest son had become completely mentally unhinged, then perhaps I’d be in a better situation right now. In terms of my life and my future and so forth.

Does that make sense?

You know how it is, though. You’re a young and admittedly impressionable young man and your older brother, whom you love and idolize, comes up to you and says, “Hey, you want to help me brutally terrorize a bunch of innocent men, women, and children on Patriots’ Day?” and you sort of just go along with it. I mean, ordinarily, if anyone else had asked me that question I probably would have said something along the lines of, oh, I don’t know, “No, that sounds like a really bad idea, and I don’t want any part of it.” But I didn’t, and you know what? I’m sort of regretting it.

What can I say, though? Sometimes you make decisions that you realize later weren’t as great as they seemed at the time. Like when I decided to steal an SUV and then run over my brother with it after a deadly shootout with law enforcement officials. That’s another good example. Or when I shot myself in the throat when FBI agents were closing in on my hiding place. Or when I chose not to turn both myself and Tamerlan in to the authorities the second I saw the carnage and mass pandemonium our actions had caused. All of these, in retrospect, were probably somewhat questionable decisions, now that I’ve had some time to reflect on them.

I don’t know. What do other people think? Was saying “Okay, sure” when my brother asked me to help him build makeshift explosives using pressure cookers packed with ball bearings and nails a wise move? And when he told me to put those explosives in a backpack, take them to the Boston Marathon, and blow them up at the finish line in order to destroy the lives of hundreds of people and terrify millions around the country, should I have just said, “No, Tamerlan, this is wrong”?

I probably should have, right?

Oh well. Live and learn, I guess.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close