I Had AIDS Before It Was Cool

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Vol 30 Issue 19

Area Bastards Pick Wrong Guy To Mess With This Time

TALLAHASSEE, FL—According to Tallahassee resident Bud Courson, local bastards Dewey Bostock and Dewayne Buckner picked the wrong guy to mess with this time. "They picked the wrong guy to mess with when they started messing with me," Courson said of the messing, which local officials believe to be the biggest mistake of the bastards' lives. Courson's future plans for the bastards include doing a serious number on their asses and whaling on them.

Mental Hospital Fire Leaves Hundreds Of Demons Homeless

QUEENS, NY—Hundreds of demons were left hovering bodiless over New York's Creedmore Mental Hospital Sunday, as a fire consumed the facility, killing all 355 of its patients and much of its staff. Firefighters and emergency medical technicians struggled to reunite the demons with the bodies they had possessed, but no survivors could be found. Though area shelters say they may not have room for all the demons, most of the displaced remain optimistic. "I'm not too worried," said one demon as it huddled near a firetruck, wrapped in a blanket and sipping a cup of hot cocoa provided by Red Cross volunteers. "I'm sure pretty soon I'll find a suitable host human who will succumb to my temptations and give his body up to me."

Vatican Condemns Wack MCs

VATICAN CITY—In conjunction with the release of his latest album, MixMaster FunkBlaster Pope-a-Fied To The T.O.P., His Holiness Pope John Paul II issued an official church condemnation of all Wack MCs Tuesday. The Pope singled out Snoop Doggy Dogg, Notorious B.I.G. and Too $hort, saying, "These rappers do not have the best rhymes. They are wack. They are not from the old school." The decree condemned MCs who "lack the concentration to create the rhymifications that stimulate the mind and make the funk rise in your soul." The Pope recommended passages from Ezekiel as having the most "righteous" rhymes. The decree was ratified by the Vatican Council Tuesday as an official Catholic Decree. It also reached number four on the R&B charts.

Clinton Appoints Very Special Cabinet Member

WASHINGTON, DC—In the first-ever appointment of its kind, President Clinton named Michael Barnett, a 15-year-old Bethesda, MD, boy who has Down Syndrome, the U.S. Very Special Secretary of Defense Monday. "Michael is very special. He is fun, loves to laugh and is always smiling," Clinton said. When informed of his appointment, Barnett waved a pen and said, "I'm a special boy!" then mistakenly signed an order for the Marines to seize all private property in the U.S. Clinton quickly nullified the order, saying, "Michael is very special, and I know he will be trying very hard. And that's what's important."

The Onion's 1996 Man Of The Year

Ever since Onion publisher T. Herman Zweibel was first awarded the honor in 1921, The Onion's Man Of The Year has ranked among the most prestigious and time-honored traditions in journalism. Though there are many who make and shape our world, only one can be chosen The Onion's Man Of The Year.

There Shall Be No Christmas This Year!

The other day, my manservant Standish and my nurse were wheeling in the multitudes of penny postcards and other handwritten wishes of good tidings that flood into my estate at this time of year. I insist on being read each and every one, so that I may duly reward each well-wisher with a sackful of sugar beets from the Zweibel ancestral home in Prussia.

I Gotta Write A Holiday Column

Hola amigos. What's goin' on? I know it's been a long time since I last rapped at ya, but I've had some problems. First and foremost, I had to get a new car after the pistons fused in my old one. Piece of crap! Fortunately, though, I was able to get around $150 in parts for it. Add to that the $175 I had saved up for my dream Mustang, and I was able to spend a whole $325 on a new car.
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I Had AIDS Before It Was Cool

Look, I had AIDS before it was the happeningest, hippest virus on the planet. This means before the newsmagazine covers; before the red-ribbon couture; before the black-tie benefits with Madonna; before the pop-rock-stars-for-AIDS CD compilations; before the slick black-and-white full-page advertisements in glossy fashion mags starring twentysomething AIDS victims; before Keith Haring and Greg Louganis; before Benetton; before they designed it in all the hip, modern typestyles; and before it was a cool cause on college campuses. I was a pioneer, but I don't get any credit for it. And that pisses me off!

When I got the disease it was actually difficult to get. I not only had to go abroad, but I had to have sex with animals. A lot of animals. Now, it's about as hard to find the HIV as it is to find a Smashing Pumpkins album. There's no challenge anymore. Have sex with your neighbor, have sex with someone you meet at a bar, go to a seedy dentist, and chances are you'll sooner rather than later contract AIDS. It's no feat. The kids today don't have to work for it, not like I did.

And when I got the disease there was no support network, no marches, no quilts, no research, no nothing. I was leaping into an abyss. Now, if you get AIDS you're guaranteed at least a spot on the AIDS quilt, maybe a candle in some shimmering memorial somewhere, or an ad campaign or magazine feature about you, or maybe even a private luncheon with somebody like Ethan Hawke, who might be studying you to portray an AIDS victim in an upcoming hit movie. If you get AIDS now you can write your own ticket. You're a martyr. You're a real angel in America. Not when I got it. AIDS meant only two things when I came down with it: premature coolness and premature death.

All the hype has compromised the integrity of AIDS. Now, in addition to the agonies of the disease itself, I have to suffer by being lumped in with the rest of the mindless bandwagon-hoppers who took the disease on after they knew it was a sure thing. Who knows how many dorks have contracted the disease in a pathetic attempt to attain hipness? The question makes me shudder. I assure you, I am not one of those dorks. I had AIDS before it was cool.

Now Nike attaches "Just Do It" to AIDS. Now, a few more people buy shoes, and a few more people see the disease as something cool to have. That's exactly the kind of publicity I don't need. I will not be out-cooled. What I need is to catch an even trendier disease well before it becomes trendy. Maybe I'll bring polio back. Or else I'll spend some time in the biology lab creating a new disease, a new plague more devastating, more terrifying, more mysterious and, most of all, more cool than AIDS.

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