adBlockCheck

I Had AIDS Before It Was Cool

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Had AIDS Before It Was Cool

Look, I had AIDS before it was the happeningest, hippest virus on the planet. This means before the newsmagazine covers; before the red-ribbon couture; before the black-tie benefits with Madonna; before the pop-rock-stars-for-AIDS CD compilations; before the slick black-and-white full-page advertisements in glossy fashion mags starring twentysomething AIDS victims; before Keith Haring and Greg Louganis; before Benetton; before they designed it in all the hip, modern typestyles; and before it was a cool cause on college campuses. I was a pioneer, but I don't get any credit for it. And that pisses me off!

When I got the disease it was actually difficult to get. I not only had to go abroad, but I had to have sex with animals. A lot of animals. Now, it's about as hard to find the HIV as it is to find a Smashing Pumpkins album. There's no challenge anymore. Have sex with your neighbor, have sex with someone you meet at a bar, go to a seedy dentist, and chances are you'll sooner rather than later contract AIDS. It's no feat. The kids today don't have to work for it, not like I did.

And when I got the disease there was no support network, no marches, no quilts, no research, no nothing. I was leaping into an abyss. Now, if you get AIDS you're guaranteed at least a spot on the AIDS quilt, maybe a candle in some shimmering memorial somewhere, or an ad campaign or magazine feature about you, or maybe even a private luncheon with somebody like Ethan Hawke, who might be studying you to portray an AIDS victim in an upcoming hit movie. If you get AIDS now you can write your own ticket. You're a martyr. You're a real angel in America. Not when I got it. AIDS meant only two things when I came down with it: premature coolness and premature death.

All the hype has compromised the integrity of AIDS. Now, in addition to the agonies of the disease itself, I have to suffer by being lumped in with the rest of the mindless bandwagon-hoppers who took the disease on after they knew it was a sure thing. Who knows how many dorks have contracted the disease in a pathetic attempt to attain hipness? The question makes me shudder. I assure you, I am not one of those dorks. I had AIDS before it was cool.

Now Nike attaches "Just Do It" to AIDS. Now, a few more people buy shoes, and a few more people see the disease as something cool to have. That's exactly the kind of publicity I don't need. I will not be out-cooled. What I need is to catch an even trendier disease well before it becomes trendy. Maybe I'll bring polio back. Or else I'll spend some time in the biology lab creating a new disease, a new plague more devastating, more terrifying, more mysterious and, most of all, more cool than AIDS.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close