I Have A Huge Crush On My Captor

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Vol 36 Issue 30

Man Who Actually Needs Grey Poupon Unable To Bring Self To Ask

ABERDEEN, MD–Sophie's Sandwich Shop patron Louis Worth, a longtime user of Grey Poupon dijon mustard, could not bring himself to ask for the product Monday when he actually needed it. "There's usually a bottle on one of the tables, but this time there wasn't," Worth said. "I actually said 'Pardon me' to the guy behind the counter, but then stopped in my tracks. I realized that if I actually asked, the guy would probably act all funny and say, 'But, of course,' in a rich-guy voice. So I just ate my turkey sandwich without it."

Radio Shack Salesman 'A Little Out Of It Today'

NAPLES, FL–Radio Shack employee Denny Hasselbeck confessed Monday that he is "a little out of it today." "Sorry, man, I was up pretty late last night," the 22-year-old Hasselbeck told a customer who asked three times if the store had any 10-foot coaxial cable in stock. "My buddy Josh from Boulder was in town and, well, you know." In the past year, Hasselbeck has been out of it to varying degrees while working at Camelot Music, Earl Scheib Paint & Body, and Panda Express.

Private Eye's Office Ransacked For Fourth Time This Month

NEW ORLEANS–Private investigator Max McShane encountered a familiar sight Monday, entering his Bourbon Street office to find his file cabinets overturned, his spare necktie slung across a blade of a still-rotating ceiling fan, and his black, rotary-dial phone buzzing off the hook. "I just cleaned up this place from the last ransacking," McShane said. "Someone obviously wants me off the King murder case. Unless last Friday's ransacking was to scare me off the King case. Then this is probably about the Adams diamond theft."

Area Man's Hairstyle History Eerily Mirrors Kevin Bacon's

DAYTON, OH–For more than 15 years, Eric Rouse's hairstyles have eerily mirrored those of actor Kevin Bacon, friends of the 29-year-old reported Monday. "Remember around the time of Footloose, how Kevin Bacon's hair was all spiky? So was Eric's," friend Jeff Zell said. "Then, right about when Tremors came out, they both had it long and parted down the middle. Now they both sort of have it slicked back." Zell said he doesn't think Rouse, who is not a Bacon fan, is doing it on purpose, but noted that it's "just kinda weird."

They Might Be Giants Behind The Music Episode Lacks Sex, Drugs

NEW YORK–The new They Might Be Giants episode of VH1's Behind The Music is devoid of sex and drugs, sources reported Monday. "Man, we haven't had that much trouble finding something juicy since the 'Weird Al' episode," VH1 senior vice-president Bill Flanagan said. "We can almost always hit paydirt with a band's groupies, but in They Might Be Giants' case, they're all 31-year-old computer programmers." The They Might Be Giants episode largely focused on keyboardist/accordionist John Linnell's harrowing early-'90s addiction to Tetris.
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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

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I Have A Huge Crush On My Captor

Oh, my God. Swear you will not say anything to anyone, but I have the biggest crush on my captor. He is so hot!

I'll never forget the day we met. It was Saturday, Feb. 12. The bank I work at was closed for Lincoln's Birthday, but I let myself in because I'd left some important papers there that I needed to work on over the weekend. Right away, I realized I'd stumbled onto a robbery in progress.

I immediately activated the manual alarm. (I sure hope the guys aren't still mad at me about that–I didn't even know them back then!) Before the police had a chance to get there, I was hit over the head and thrown in the back of a van. I guess the guys decided that taking me hostage would be a good way to gain leverage for their group, the Radical Free Citizens Revolutionary Action Militia. You see, they need me.

To be perfectly honest, when I first saw the man of my dreams, General Field Marshall Capricorn, I wasn't all that impressed. In fact, I was so busy struggling to escape his grip, I barely even noticed his rugged good looks. But now that I've settled down and learned to behave, I see what a hunk he is. He's got gorgeous jet-black hair, a little bit curly. And he's very muscular. Much more muscular than my husband, Stan. I think so, anyway. It's funny how I can't even really remember what Stan looks like anymore. When I try to imagine him, he always ends up looking like General Capricorn!

Of all of my captors, my General Cappy is by far the sweetest. He brings me food. Sometimes it's a scrap of bread or some crackers, but one time, it was a Windmill cookie. After a few weeks, he threw me an old sweatshirt to use as a pillow when I sleep–his sweatshirt! Do you think that means he likes me? I really want to tell him how I feel, but every time he walks past my cage, I get so tongue-tied!

You're not going to say anything about this, right? I swear to God, if you tell anyone about my secret crush, I'll kill you! And they'll kill me.

Things between me and General Capricorn weren't always so good. When I first got here, I'd scream all day and night, pound on the door to my cage, cry all the time. Even the duct-tape gag didn't stop me. I was so bad, I didn't get fed for about eight days. I ate some soap I found under the sink. (Big mistake. Here's a tip: Do not eat soap!) It didn't take too long before I began to understand that it was my fault I was in the cage. At first, I kept asking what I'd done to deserve such treatment, but after a few weeks of solitary confinement to think about it, I came up with lots of bad things I'd done.

I realize that General Capricorn is way out of my league. But, still, I can't help but feel like we're building a real relationship. When I first got here, he'd just say stuff like, "Play your part and you'll live," and "Shut up, whore." But after a few months (at least I think it's been a few months!), he started showing interest in me as a person, asking me all these questions about my background and thoughts, stuff like, "Where do bitches like you come from?" and "Do you have any idea how easy it would be for me to shoot you right now?" Even though he's an incredibly busy, important man, he still takes the time to get to know me!

Last week, or maybe five weeks ago, General Capricorn promised he'd get me some clean newspaper for the bottom of my cage. If he does, I'll be almost 100 percent positive that he likes me. I've been holding off expressing my feelings to him, because I'm waiting for him to make the first move. The last thing I'd want to do is pressure him and scare him off. General Capricorn's got a ton of stuff weighing on his mind, being a fugitive and all. (Kidnapping is against the law, you know. He's taking a lot of chances just to be with me!) In fact, maybe I'm not being supportive enough.

From now on, I'll try harder to show him I care. I wrote his name and mine all over my leg shackle, but I'm too shy to show him. I also scratched his name into my arm, but it got all pus-filled and gross, and now you can't even read it. Oh, my God, what if he doesn't like me back? I would have nothing in the world to live for! I would seriously just want to die!

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