adBlockCheck

I Have A Rival In The Aging Business

Top Headlines

Recent News

Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

I Have A Rival In The Aging Business

Recently it was brought to my attention that the 121-year-old French-woman finally went to her reward. Good! If there's anything I cannot stand, it's challengers to my claim as the world's oldest living human. I hope her withered husk is being used as kindling for the raging bonfires of Hell!

But just to be certain that I truly am the world's oldest man, I recently summoned my vizier, who knows and sees all. "Tell me, learned sage," I entreated him, "is there anyone who exceeds me in age, yet still draws breath?"

"Verily," he said, "there is indeed. The one they call Li Ming, who lives in a remote mountain village in central China. He is gentle and kind, and his wisdom shines like 100 suns. He once turned a raging tiger into a graceful heron, and he bests you in age by a score of years."

A Chinee-man? My blood boiled. I promptly called for my man-servant Standish and asked him if the assassin was still on the pay-roll. Standish said yes. "Procure him," I commanded, "and charge him with the task of finding and doing away with this wretch. He may use poison, dynamite, anything, just as long as the Chinee is taken out."

Soon after, the assassin visited my bed-chamber. He requested $50,000 to do the job, half up-front. I had Standish open the wall-safe behind the portrait of the Kaiser. Money was no object!

I am beginning to suspect, however, I was too hasty in my plans to dispense of my aged rival: Not long after the assassin's steamer arrived in Canton, a small black lacquered box arrived at the estate. In it were the liquefied remains of my assassin and a note reading, "Beware The Society Of 800 Avenging Fists." What had I gotten myself into?

The Swiss Guard surrounding my estate are on high alert to-night, and I've had Standish push the armoire against my door. But I fear it may not be enough. It's obvious that the old Chinee has the forces of black-magic and hoo-doo on his side. Please, Mr. Li Ming Chinee-man, spare me! I will offer you gold, silks, spices, anything, just please, do not have your assassins cut me to ribbons with their sharp knives!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close