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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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I Have A Rival In The Aging Business

Recently it was brought to my attention that the 121-year-old French-woman finally went to her reward. Good! If there's anything I cannot stand, it's challengers to my claim as the world's oldest living human. I hope her withered husk is being used as kindling for the raging bonfires of Hell!

But just to be certain that I truly am the world's oldest man, I recently summoned my vizier, who knows and sees all. "Tell me, learned sage," I entreated him, "is there anyone who exceeds me in age, yet still draws breath?"

"Verily," he said, "there is indeed. The one they call Li Ming, who lives in a remote mountain village in central China. He is gentle and kind, and his wisdom shines like 100 suns. He once turned a raging tiger into a graceful heron, and he bests you in age by a score of years."

A Chinee-man? My blood boiled. I promptly called for my man-servant Standish and asked him if the assassin was still on the pay-roll. Standish said yes. "Procure him," I commanded, "and charge him with the task of finding and doing away with this wretch. He may use poison, dynamite, anything, just as long as the Chinee is taken out."

Soon after, the assassin visited my bed-chamber. He requested $50,000 to do the job, half up-front. I had Standish open the wall-safe behind the portrait of the Kaiser. Money was no object!

I am beginning to suspect, however, I was too hasty in my plans to dispense of my aged rival: Not long after the assassin's steamer arrived in Canton, a small black lacquered box arrived at the estate. In it were the liquefied remains of my assassin and a note reading, "Beware The Society Of 800 Avenging Fists." What had I gotten myself into?

The Swiss Guard surrounding my estate are on high alert to-night, and I've had Standish push the armoire against my door. But I fear it may not be enough. It's obvious that the old Chinee has the forces of black-magic and hoo-doo on his side. Please, Mr. Li Ming Chinee-man, spare me! I will offer you gold, silks, spices, anything, just please, do not have your assassins cut me to ribbons with their sharp knives!

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