adBlockCheck

I Have Another New Nurse Again

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Have Another New Nurse Again

Throughout my long and eventful life I have always steadfastly opposed change. Imagine my helplessness, then, when my longtime nurse, wretch that she is, rode off with Black Scarlet, rogue bandit of the open road and my sworn arch-enemy, who, damn it all, remains at large.

As you may recall, after a series of unsuitable replacements it was decided that my son V. Lucius' physical trainer Gus would assume the nursing duties. Nightly I prayed to the Lord to take away this pestilential man, but still he remained, until one day last week, when V. Lucius told me that Gus had been called away to the army. No doubt to help catch that Pancho Villa. Glory be!

But my joy was soon stilled when V. Lucius took a metal box out of his smoking-jacket pocket and pressed its switch, summoning into the room none other than Mr. Tin, my treacherous ro-bot servant, who some time ago tried to burn down my estate when I rejected its entreaties for love and understanding!

I screamed in terror as the repulsive mechanical nightmare edged toward me, wearing a nurse's cap and belching steam, but V. Lucius refused to stop it. He explained to me that Mr. Tin had been re-wired extensively so that its taste for rebellion had been eliminated. Besides, V. Lucius added, replacing human labor with ro-bots is the "wave of the future," as he put it.

The Twentieth-Century will be one of horrors if artificial metal gentlemen are permitted to stalk the Earth! Admittedly, the monstrosity is efficient, given orders through a series of punch-cards that are fed into its steel belly. It is able to wash bed-pans and change bedding at an unnaturally rapid pace, and it even knows how to wipe front-to-back, something my old nurse could never grasp.

But the way in which Nurse Tin takes my temperature curdles my blood. It slides off a metal covering from its right index digit, revealing a mercury thermometer, and with chilling accuracy extends it into my shriveled rectum.

The things that a miserable old man like me must deal with! When, oh when, will I get a suitable nurse?

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close