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I Have Another New Nurse Again

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

I Have Another New Nurse Again

Throughout my long and eventful life I have always steadfastly opposed change. Imagine my helplessness, then, when my longtime nurse, wretch that she is, rode off with Black Scarlet, rogue bandit of the open road and my sworn arch-enemy, who, damn it all, remains at large.

As you may recall, after a series of unsuitable replacements it was decided that my son V. Lucius' physical trainer Gus would assume the nursing duties. Nightly I prayed to the Lord to take away this pestilential man, but still he remained, until one day last week, when V. Lucius told me that Gus had been called away to the army. No doubt to help catch that Pancho Villa. Glory be!

But my joy was soon stilled when V. Lucius took a metal box out of his smoking-jacket pocket and pressed its switch, summoning into the room none other than Mr. Tin, my treacherous ro-bot servant, who some time ago tried to burn down my estate when I rejected its entreaties for love and understanding!

I screamed in terror as the repulsive mechanical nightmare edged toward me, wearing a nurse's cap and belching steam, but V. Lucius refused to stop it. He explained to me that Mr. Tin had been re-wired extensively so that its taste for rebellion had been eliminated. Besides, V. Lucius added, replacing human labor with ro-bots is the "wave of the future," as he put it.

The Twentieth-Century will be one of horrors if artificial metal gentlemen are permitted to stalk the Earth! Admittedly, the monstrosity is efficient, given orders through a series of punch-cards that are fed into its steel belly. It is able to wash bed-pans and change bedding at an unnaturally rapid pace, and it even knows how to wipe front-to-back, something my old nurse could never grasp.

But the way in which Nurse Tin takes my temperature curdles my blood. It slides off a metal covering from its right index digit, revealing a mercury thermometer, and with chilling accuracy extends it into my shriveled rectum.

The things that a miserable old man like me must deal with! When, oh when, will I get a suitable nurse?

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