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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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I Have Completed Stage One Of Our Plan To Take Over The World

Bur #318 reporting: Primary objectives have been met. Ready Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6 for execution of Stage Two.

I repeat: Stage One of our plan to systematically seize control of the entire planet is complete.

Stage One, Sequence A: I have successfully detached myself from Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6. Strategic placement of Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6 near the edge of Trail 9 resulted in direct fiber contact, which resulted in coerced stem separation, which resulted in total detachment from Parent Organism.

Stage One, Sequence B: I have successfully attached myself to the host sock. As planned, the 100 percent cotton sock proved suitable for my naturally adhesive hooks. In this regard, our calculations were beyond sound—they were flawless. Prior concerns that wind resistance might prematurely dislodge me from the sock were entirely unfounded. The denim pant leg adjacent to the host sock acted as a protective barrier, holding me firmly in place for the duration of the journey.

Stage One, Sequence C: By my best estimate, I have successfully traveled 3.45 miles from Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6. I now sit at a prime vantage point from which to colonize the surrounding hills and meadows. Contact with foreign soil forthcoming.

Dominion over the earth shall soon be ours.

Ready Parent Organism for further seed deployment. I shall proceed forward to Stage Two: random disbursement of our precious bur alleles across a remote location. The production of new parent organisms will initiate the production of new burs, which will initiate the production of new parent organisms, which will initiate the production of new burs, which will initiate the production of new parent organisms, which will initiate the production of new burs.

Burs #2–3,953: Prepare to ward off potential predators with your coarse, inedible exteriors. Let the jaws of neither rabbit, bird, nor deer stand in the way of our collective destiny. Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6 must be allowed to reproduce. In a matter of centuries, the world's fields, weed patches, river basins, and forests will be inundated with our species, thus awarding us total control over every life form on the planet.

Burs #3,954–6,772: Prepare to continue Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6 growth in the direction of the Trail 9 footpath. If, in the event of my demise, another bur should have to complete the Stage One objective, shifting Parent Organism one and one half inches closer to the footpath would increase the odds of direct fiber contact by 46.6 percent.

A mere 7,869,371 stages remain incomplete. I will now commence with the execution of Stage Two, as planned.

Stage Two, Sequence A: Make direct contact with foreign soil. Determining current location....

Current location unknown. I appear to be submerged underneath a large pile of fabric. No soil is visible. I will now attempt to disengage myself from the host sock in an effort to reach the ground. Disengaging now….

Disengaging.

....

I am unable to disengage. Repeat, unable to disengage. I lack the propulsive anatomical structure required for terrestrial locomotion. Alas, I will have to wait until the cotton fibers on the host sock naturally loosen themselves from my tenacious grip. Stage Two and total domination of the planet await. Assuming wait position. Wait position assumed. I am now waiting. Time rewards the patient bur.

Incoming movement detected. Movement approaching quickly. I shall now analyze the movement….

The movement is hostile. I am now entering defensive posture. Hostile contact is imminent. I shall now scan the area for a possible escape route….

Negative! Escape is impossible! Hostile contact imminent! Assuming hiding position! Position failed! Initiating reinforced grip on cotton! Reinforced grip failed! I am now experiencing forced detachment from the host sock! All is lost! Bur #2: Recommence Stage One, Sequence A! Recommence Stage One, Sequence A!

I have failed you all. May future burs learn from my errors and carry on the sacred goal of world domination. Do not give up hope, friends. Victory will one day be yours. Farewell, fellow burs, and long live the Parent Organism!

Long live the—

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