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I Have Completed Stage One Of Our Plan To Take Over The World

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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I Have Completed Stage One Of Our Plan To Take Over The World

Bur #318 reporting: Primary objectives have been met. Ready Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6 for execution of Stage Two.

I repeat: Stage One of our plan to systematically seize control of the entire planet is complete.

Stage One, Sequence A: I have successfully detached myself from Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6. Strategic placement of Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6 near the edge of Trail 9 resulted in direct fiber contact, which resulted in coerced stem separation, which resulted in total detachment from Parent Organism.

Stage One, Sequence B: I have successfully attached myself to the host sock. As planned, the 100 percent cotton sock proved suitable for my naturally adhesive hooks. In this regard, our calculations were beyond sound—they were flawless. Prior concerns that wind resistance might prematurely dislodge me from the sock were entirely unfounded. The denim pant leg adjacent to the host sock acted as a protective barrier, holding me firmly in place for the duration of the journey.

Stage One, Sequence C: By my best estimate, I have successfully traveled 3.45 miles from Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6. I now sit at a prime vantage point from which to colonize the surrounding hills and meadows. Contact with foreign soil forthcoming.

Dominion over the earth shall soon be ours.

Ready Parent Organism for further seed deployment. I shall proceed forward to Stage Two: random disbursement of our precious bur alleles across a remote location. The production of new parent organisms will initiate the production of new burs, which will initiate the production of new parent organisms, which will initiate the production of new burs, which will initiate the production of new parent organisms, which will initiate the production of new burs.

Burs #2–3,953: Prepare to ward off potential predators with your coarse, inedible exteriors. Let the jaws of neither rabbit, bird, nor deer stand in the way of our collective destiny. Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6 must be allowed to reproduce. In a matter of centuries, the world's fields, weed patches, river basins, and forests will be inundated with our species, thus awarding us total control over every life form on the planet.

Burs #3,954–6,772: Prepare to continue Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6 growth in the direction of the Trail 9 footpath. If, in the event of my demise, another bur should have to complete the Stage One objective, shifting Parent Organism one and one half inches closer to the footpath would increase the odds of direct fiber contact by 46.6 percent.

A mere 7,869,371 stages remain incomplete. I will now commence with the execution of Stage Two, as planned.

Stage Two, Sequence A: Make direct contact with foreign soil. Determining current location....

Current location unknown. I appear to be submerged underneath a large pile of fabric. No soil is visible. I will now attempt to disengage myself from the host sock in an effort to reach the ground. Disengaging now….

Disengaging.

....

I am unable to disengage. Repeat, unable to disengage. I lack the propulsive anatomical structure required for terrestrial locomotion. Alas, I will have to wait until the cotton fibers on the host sock naturally loosen themselves from my tenacious grip. Stage Two and total domination of the planet await. Assuming wait position. Wait position assumed. I am now waiting. Time rewards the patient bur.

Incoming movement detected. Movement approaching quickly. I shall now analyze the movement….

The movement is hostile. I am now entering defensive posture. Hostile contact is imminent. I shall now scan the area for a possible escape route….

Negative! Escape is impossible! Hostile contact imminent! Assuming hiding position! Position failed! Initiating reinforced grip on cotton! Reinforced grip failed! I am now experiencing forced detachment from the host sock! All is lost! Bur #2: Recommence Stage One, Sequence A! Recommence Stage One, Sequence A!

I have failed you all. May future burs learn from my errors and carry on the sacred goal of world domination. Do not give up hope, friends. Victory will one day be yours. Farewell, fellow burs, and long live the Parent Organism!

Long live the—

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