I Have Completed Stage One Of Our Plan To Take Over The World

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

I Have Completed Stage One Of Our Plan To Take Over The World

Bur #318 reporting: Primary objectives have been met. Ready Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6 for execution of Stage Two.

I repeat: Stage One of our plan to systematically seize control of the entire planet is complete.

Stage One, Sequence A: I have successfully detached myself from Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6. Strategic placement of Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6 near the edge of Trail 9 resulted in direct fiber contact, which resulted in coerced stem separation, which resulted in total detachment from Parent Organism.

Stage One, Sequence B: I have successfully attached myself to the host sock. As planned, the 100 percent cotton sock proved suitable for my naturally adhesive hooks. In this regard, our calculations were beyond sound—they were flawless. Prior concerns that wind resistance might prematurely dislodge me from the sock were entirely unfounded. The denim pant leg adjacent to the host sock acted as a protective barrier, holding me firmly in place for the duration of the journey.

Stage One, Sequence C: By my best estimate, I have successfully traveled 3.45 miles from Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6. I now sit at a prime vantage point from which to colonize the surrounding hills and meadows. Contact with foreign soil forthcoming.

Dominion over the earth shall soon be ours.

Ready Parent Organism for further seed deployment. I shall proceed forward to Stage Two: random disbursement of our precious bur alleles across a remote location. The production of new parent organisms will initiate the production of new burs, which will initiate the production of new parent organisms, which will initiate the production of new burs, which will initiate the production of new parent organisms, which will initiate the production of new burs.

Burs #2–3,953: Prepare to ward off potential predators with your coarse, inedible exteriors. Let the jaws of neither rabbit, bird, nor deer stand in the way of our collective destiny. Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6 must be allowed to reproduce. In a matter of centuries, the world's fields, weed patches, river basins, and forests will be inundated with our species, thus awarding us total control over every life form on the planet.

Burs #3,954–6,772: Prepare to continue Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6 growth in the direction of the Trail 9 footpath. If, in the event of my demise, another bur should have to complete the Stage One objective, shifting Parent Organism one and one half inches closer to the footpath would increase the odds of direct fiber contact by 46.6 percent.

A mere 7,869,371 stages remain incomplete. I will now commence with the execution of Stage Two, as planned.

Stage Two, Sequence A: Make direct contact with foreign soil. Determining current location....

Current location unknown. I appear to be submerged underneath a large pile of fabric. No soil is visible. I will now attempt to disengage myself from the host sock in an effort to reach the ground. Disengaging now….

Disengaging.

....

I am unable to disengage. Repeat, unable to disengage. I lack the propulsive anatomical structure required for terrestrial locomotion. Alas, I will have to wait until the cotton fibers on the host sock naturally loosen themselves from my tenacious grip. Stage Two and total domination of the planet await. Assuming wait position. Wait position assumed. I am now waiting. Time rewards the patient bur.

Incoming movement detected. Movement approaching quickly. I shall now analyze the movement….

The movement is hostile. I am now entering defensive posture. Hostile contact is imminent. I shall now scan the area for a possible escape route….

Negative! Escape is impossible! Hostile contact imminent! Assuming hiding position! Position failed! Initiating reinforced grip on cotton! Reinforced grip failed! I am now experiencing forced detachment from the host sock! All is lost! Bur #2: Recommence Stage One, Sequence A! Recommence Stage One, Sequence A!

I have failed you all. May future burs learn from my errors and carry on the sacred goal of world domination. Do not give up hope, friends. Victory will one day be yours. Farewell, fellow burs, and long live the Parent Organism!

Long live the—