adBlockCheck

Recent News

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
End Of Section
  • More News

I Have Finally Achieved The Status Of Gamma Male

Listen up, world. It's been a long, hard road, but here I am, at the top of the heap. Well, not the top, exactly, but pretty darn close. Relatively speaking. No, no, over here. Yeah. Below the first two guys.

That's right, sucker! You're talking to "the Man," more or less. The real deal, somewhat. The head honcho in charge should anything happen to the other two honchos directly above him.

The top No. 3 guy.

How'd I get here? Well, it's quite a story. Probably not as interesting or inspiring a story as that of the two men ahead of me, but quite a story nonetheless. You see, as a boy, I was teased mercilessly by the other kids at school. But then one night as I lay in bed crying, I realized that I had a choice: I could either live my life as a doormat for the entire world or as a doormat for a select few, wiping my boots on the majority of people remaining below me.

"Someday I'll show most of them," I told myself that night. "Someday I'll show practically all of them!"

And with that solemn oath, I began my journey to the far-from-unlofty position that I hold today: the position of gamma male.

And a hard-fought battle it was. For being gamma male is not a birthright. It takes a combination of rarefied skills to achieve. Skills like an insatiable lust to dominate everything you see within reason, to lead and give orders every now and then, to climb all the way up the ladder and not stop unless there are a couple of way more powerful guys standing in your way. These qualities must be cultivated by anyone hoping to wear the admirable-bordering-on-enviable badge of gamma.

But it was all worth it for my life near the top. Why, I'd hate to think where I'd be today if I hadn't put in so much effort all those years. Maybe sixth in life. Or, God forbid, seventh.

Yes, spitting distance from the next-best thing to absolute power is an awesome responsibility, and the rewards are incredible. I basically have power over everything those directly in front of me decide to pass on. When there's an important decision to be made, I get to silently nod and even raise my eyebrows here and there. Plus, on top of all that, the ladies can't resist me if Ken and Stephen aren't around. Be jealous if you will, but hey, that's just how it goes when you're only marginally inferior to the best.

It comes down to the law of the jungle: Someone has to take charge. And after they do, they've got to appoint a lieutenant to help carry out their wishes. And typically, someone needs to help that guy, and that's me! Literally, no one else tells me what to do!

So make way, world, 'cause the third top dog is coming through. And he's got to make sure everything is in perfect working order for when the two people ahead of him finally arrive.

You got me? Huh? Hey, how do you like that? Hey, PUNK, I asked you a—OH, GOD. KEN! I'm so sorry. I didn't know it was you! Excuse me, excuse me, I'm so sorry, excuse me, excuse me.

Please. Excuse me.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close